EVERYTHING ENDS UP IN METAPHORS

METAPHOR #6

Everyone seems to talk about the calm before the storm, but what about the one after?

When its over, no rain, no thunder, no sounds - just endless silence - that's what I want to talk about today. Or well write about it.

How quickly does nature pull herself together. How calm and quiet everything is. How I've been feeling like that for the past few weeks. And honestly? That has been rewarding in a lot of ways. Its been a relief to actually be okay and be happy. The only problem that I have is the feeling I can't seem to shake. The feeling like its not going to last.

I wonder if it's only in my head, if I'm just imagening things. But then of course it's in my head. Everything is in my head. It doesn't make it any less real. And yet I can't seem to just enjoy being happy. Like how could I possibly deserve laughter and love and not having a thing to worry about? How can I possibly feel like that? Someone will come or something will happen and all of the happiness will be ruined. How could it not be?

I'm trying though. This time around I'm actually trying to enjoy it while it lasts. Doing everything I can to get out of my own goddamn way and enjoy it. Because yeah, nothing lasts forever. Especially not emotions. I get that. I do. Truly. And I know that we're not exactly supposed to be happy all the damn time. We're supposed to find that state of mind where we're calm.

Calm. It's one reason why I'm trying so damn hard to just go easy on me, to let myself feel whatever it is that I'm feeling, but for some fucked up reason, I just can't relax.

I think its safe to say it sucks to feel this way. And I wish i had some advice, some tips how to get through it or how to try and let it happen but I don't. Because it's a lot easier said than done.

And recently I've been finding out I just might be a control freak. But really, who's suprised by that anymore? Something will happen, like I'll realize something about me and yes it will be suprising at first but honestly, it all ends up falling into place, making sense of things.

Its weird to feel this way.

And probably fucked up too.

But like I said...who's suprised by that anymore?