EVERYTHING ENDS UP IN METAPHORS

METAPHOR #3

Just a second. A minute. An hour. Thats how long you get before you change forever. Thats how long a moment lasts; a moment that defines us.

There is a moment in everyone's lives that does something to us. Changes our minds, creates a different chemistry in our bodies. And we are never the same after. Our decisions and our actions define us. Fight or flight. Survive or don't. Deal with it or forget it even happened.

When you're at the edge of those decisions, moments away from transforming, the world seems to slow down. Like time doesn't exist anymore. And when that happens its hard to make that choice. Whatever it is, its not easy. But the thing is...nothing is easy it seems. Not in real life anyway.

Over the course of 18 years, I've had many defining moments. I'm sure there will be more, but this particular moment is something that I will never forget. It is life changing and it is something I have never told anyone. I'm not sure I'm ever going to. Not because I would be ashamed but because it happened so long ago, that is now simply something no one really needs to know. But this - this isn't about other people. No, this is about you.

I was a kid. Can't remember what age but I was just a kid, who probably wasn't even in first grade yet. I don't remember the details of that night. But it was the first night I had realized who you could be. I don't even remember if I was crying or not. All I know is that my heart was in my throat, feeling like it's going to jump out of my chest, adrealine pumping through my veins, even if it wasn't me that was raging. I think I was scared. For me, for my brother. I know I was in pain. Not sure why, but whenever I feel pain there's this heat spreading all throughout my chest, edning up as a knot in my throat or in my stomach. I asumed you were in pain too. You must've been, because why else would you yell? Throw stuff, break them? I think maybe you didn't know I could hear everything through the walls, because they aren't that thick, really. Or maybe you were just blinded with anger. Like I am; like how I get this ringing in my ears whenever I want to hurt things or people. I could hear everything like I was there with you.

But then you left. And once we got there, the mess, the broken thingsI remember it so vividly its like it happened yesterday. Except, I know it didn't.

So, here's my question to you. Do you think this is the reason for the state of our relationship? Why we can't talk to eachother or say I love you? Why it hurts so much when I want us to hug, but it just isn't something I can do? Do you think we'll ever have a relationship that won't hurt?

I know you. I know you're good. And I know you only mean the best of things. But maybe that night is the reason why I can't find my voice to tell you anything about my life. I love you. I really do. But while that happened once, it's hard to forget and move on.

There's a moment in everyone's lives that defines us for the rest of our lives. What if, this was mine? What does that say about me?