Damn Good Reasons **DISCONTINUED - SEE NEW VER!**

37 Backs to the Wall

Jan 2021 - We may have gone backwards, but with sacrifice comes reward.  A new chapter!  Again in the new Journal format.  Looking forward to everyone reading it because I lost count of how many hours I spent on this f$%&ing thing. Haha :)

And you probably wouldn't have been notified, but the last three chapters are recent updates too :)

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Thursday 4th August - 1 am

A couple of weeks have gone by since I wrote last. Ugh... things have been so tough lately, and I've felt so down that I haven't had the motivation to pick up the pen. Ever since Ace paid Diego and Carl the extra fifty-thousand dollars, he's been... difficult. Difficult to live with, difficult to work with, difficult to socialize with. He's just so angry all the time, and the boys and I can't seem to do anything right.

I should cut in here and write that, thankfully, paying the money worked. Carl made Diego write out a receipt, as such, and sign it to say I owed nothing more as of the current date. Diego was stubborn, but Carl worked on him until he did it. Good 'ol Carl. He pulled Ace and I aside later and offered to foot most of the bill because he knew how unfairly we were ripped off. But, Ace wouldn't have it. He wanted to cut ties with them, and he meant it.

And so, here we are, trying to rebuild, almost from scratch. Ace instated Jack and Fuzzy, but they seem very hesitant about the whole thing. I've only been able to take them out three times each over the last two weeks, and that's not enough time to build their confidence. The number one rule is, look like you're meant to be there. That helps to not draw suspicion. But, the boys constantly second guess themselves, and they look nervous - eyes darting around like they're expecting to be caught, even noticeably trembling with nerves at times. I understand that what we're doing is wrong on so many levels, but they signed up for it when they got COBRAS carved into their arm. I really don't think they understood that the title comes with expectations. I told Ace that I had some concerns about them without completely throwing them under the bus, but he was insistent that training time is over. Kyle is out of the hospital and so, me going out there now would be too risky.

I also asked if it was worth bringing Billy and Charlie in but, apparently, they have big mouths. Nobody would tell me why.

Well, it's all up to Jack and Fuzz now because, according to Ace, I'm officially done.

But, I still have goals. The guilt of everything that has happened weighs heavily on my mind. I want - no... I need to find a way to repay Ace what I lost him, whether he says he wants it or not. It's the only way I can think of to fix this. It would be like refilling the hole that I dug him into.

And I think I have an idea. It only hit me about 20 minutes ago as I sit here at the garage on my own, stranded after Ace stormed out to do something ridiculously crazy. Saying that, my idea is crazy too. My God... what are we doing?

I think I'd better back up the truck because that last paragraph probably made no sense.

While I've been focused on training Jack and Fuzzy, Ace has been trying his darndest to move his eggs out of the car basket and into something new. He has a LOT of contacts - I didn't even realize the sorts of people he knows. And so, he hears of jobs going and other startups in the area (nothing legal, of course) and he has - let's say - attempted to make many official connections. He's tried to make new deals. However, not one of them has been sealed. I wonder if the word about what he did to Kyle has gotten around and turned people off working with him. That's only a theory though.

I've tried to be encouraging, and I admire his persistence - I really do. But every time he is turned down, he buries himself into a kind of dark hole and no one can reach him. Not even me. And now and then, he'll suddenly burst out from that darkness and strike at whoever 'pissed him off'. Usually, it's over minor things. He nearly broke Charlie's arm for knocking over a beer and spilling it on his wooden floors that already permanently smell of alcohol. And then, there was the party we went to, and some guy looked at Ace funny (apparently) and he knocked him out cold and gave him a concussion. I won't even go into the arguments he's had with me.