This is America

Connor Welsh

1/9/19

You know, things are crazy in America right now. I'm talking "I-kinda-wish-the-Mayans-were-right-about-2012" crazy. I feel like there is so much to be disappointed with since America could be something fantastic. We could reignite the old fire that made America so special. If only there were someone who could Make America Gre-

*opening guitar riff from Enter Sandman plays as a montage of white people horrifically screwing up the nation flashes in the background. The likes of Donald Trump, Mike Pence and Sarah Sanders, as well as those such as Kathy Griffin and Michelle Wolf, all join forces in an epic ballad about stupid people doing stupid things titled America: Land of the Free-from-Punishment Government Officials*

Welcome to America! Here, it's a go-big-or-go-home (or just go home if you're an immigrant) type of world. Everyone must do the next big thing; whether that is creating and participating in groundbreaking trends such as willingly consuming detergent for an Instagram Live instead of edgy teens ordering you to do so as you confiscate their Juul, or taking to Twitter, perhaps in a drunken stupor, or, more likely, sitting at a desk in "the best of health", and tweeting a nonsensical tweet that somehow someone has the stupidity to defend. We also have a plethora of up-and-coming so-called "social media influencers", whose talents range from being a slightly attractive blonde man to filming a dead corpse and subsequently posting that video onto the largest video-sharing platform in the world (and if you're lucky, you have both qualities). This is, however, just the very beginning of a long, complicated process in which I have dared to embark on: explaining America.

See, I could just go tell you to ask Siri on your "rationally-priced" iPhone X (or if you are inferior, google it on your Android). But I, like many other men today (or in my case, man-child), absolutely love mansplaining.

Going back to the ever-so-important Americans, we can discuss the obvious divide within our country, that being caused by whether that damn audio clip said Laurel or Yanny. Finishing in close second, however, is the extreme partisanship this country is suffering from, both inside and outside of the government. We have people protesting protests about protests that they forget were the original cause of their own protest, while others choose to insult and mock the opposition behind massive pick-up trucks that are most certainly not compensating for things that aren't as blessed with size. But within the government, this partisanship is causing dilemma after dilemma, and it's not showing any sign of slowing down.

It started with the name-calling. The list of "Dopeys" and "Wackies" and "Crazies", along with other bully-on-the-school-playground names, started to grow faster than the national debt. Of course, with such extreme and rapid growth comes growing pains. The name-callers, whom we will now refer to as "the right", became increasingly angry with the ones whom they were calling names, whom we will now refer to as "the left"; interestingly enough, the left did not retaliate with name-calling, but instead, with an angry mob of hipsters that were thirsty for conservative blood and over-priced coffee.

What? They didn't send a swarm of self-proclaimed "struggling artists" to attack? Fine, fine; I got a little bit enthusiastic with the story telling. They weren't, however, retaliating with petty name-calling, but instead with the uncovering of scathing scandals that could and should derail the careers and possibly the lives of those involved. These "patriots" seemingly had more resemblance to the ones of New England (if you are not informed about "real football": these guys cheat and nobody likes them) than they did to the ones that they said they were going to represent. Then (oh, this isn't over), the right leaked documents of the left, those also with the potential of ruining one's life. You see, however, despite the severity of each leak, there were no sufficient repercussions; instead of ruining the criminal's life, the US decided to ruin everyone's life. "And how might they do that?" you are most certainly asking, and hopefully with a heavy dosage of sarcasm as if you don't know this by now I would accuse you of either being a time-traveler or a liar (and we have plenty of the latter in this great, great country). I would respond by simply saying three words: Blame the Russians.

See, the Russians are becoming the scapegoats for everything bad in America. To be honest, I don't believe Sergei's babushka is why Trump could get away with murder and more than a third of the country wouldn't just not care, but support this and blame the Dems for the backlash. I do see the severity in some situations; for example, the Russian interference in the DNC would, if proven true, cause more uproar than when a Kardashian has another surgery on their already mostly silicon bodies (but not as much uproar as when yet another Kardashian sex tape is leaked). I do also, however, find it funny when people try to blame the Russians for things that they have nothing to do with.

Now that I have covered the basic gist of the outside world's influence on America (those damn Russians), I will attempt to cover the more ridiculous side of America: the inside.

The American government is the equivalent to an unfinished basement; we try denying it's poor condition and/or saying that it'll improve when really, it's a catastrophe. Like, there's some carpet, but it's all soggy and moldy, or there is a wall that hasn't been finished and is exposing insulation. That sogginess, that moldiness, that barrenness: that is the American government.

Quick historical terminology lesson: America is the "melting pot". No, this is not referencing climate change (as that isn't real, remember!), but instead the vast diversity that comes into America. Of course, melting pots melt everything that makes the ingredients "unique" and the output is a nice smelling but very uniform soup. See, my history teacher in 8th grade disputed this term, saying that we were more of a salad bowl since we don't melt the diversity but instead incorporate it into our society while still retaining its uniqueness. This is wrong because American culture is not diverse, beautiful, and "everyone-plays-a-role"-esque; we steal your culture, mess with it, and call it our own. And if we don't like a specific part of a culture, we ridicule it until it disappears. We aren't just a melting pot; we are an American cheese fondue: processed to the point of no originality. We leave a bad taste in the mouths of others.

The government is no different. Our "diverse" population is represented by a bunch of old, white men who are out of touch with today's society. We have Mike Pence, who probably sits at his office bewildered by the number of women not in the kitchen. We have Brett Kavanaugh, a frat boy who boofed his way into the Supreme Court. And we have Donald J. Trump, a man with no political experience, little to no sense of guilt, and a list of accusations longer than the list on Wikipedia of people whom he has called names (this is not fake news; I recommend you look it up and enjoy), leading the United States of America. Saturday Night Live must salivate at the amount of ridiculousness in which they can then poorly make fun of.

Is America really "great" again? Look at the outside perception of America. We are seen as a bunch of fat people led by a bunch of idiots. We are in association with one of the most corrupt nations in the world, and we place tariffs on many countries and drop out of treaties and alliances as if they were classes at a school. One of the many problems with America is that we are not in a school. We can't be that cool kid who gets away with calling kids names or skipping class, yet our leaders think not only that we can be that, but we are already that. It would be breaking news, news in which they would later accuse of being fake, to many American politicians that we are not the cool kids.

Damn, this got real. Like, this got holy-crap-there-is-an-overwhelming-amount-of-ridiculousness real. But that seems to be the case when one goes down that long, complicated path towards understanding the great, great (and believe me; I know great) country of ours.

This is America, where we are a beautiful mansion with a large, ugly unfinished basement that is the current political state. This mansion was built on unstable terrains, and only after a few centuries of slowly sinking are we now noticing how bad things are. The basement is starting to cave in, and with that, the mansion is shaking. We are knocking down the support beams that are alliances because they don't look good. We are the cause of our own demise.

This is America, where an Onion article can actually be mistaken for a truthful article. Satire is dying; the whole country is just a joke of itself. We are fulfilling the stereotypes. Both sides are toxic, and they grow more and more toxic by the day. We must do something, and we must do it quick. We are regressing into the reasons why we became a nation; a government that poorly represents the nation.

This is America, where I can title an English essay about America after a Childish Gambino song and almost definitely get away with it. That's scary.