metro card//MGG

12

Christmas Eve Eve should be considered its own holiday, I think. Matthew gave me the week off, thinking I'd be back home, but now I'm just sitting in bed with my laptop open and an episode of Seinfeld playing. I didn't think it was possible for me to turn my brain off so completely as I have within the past twenty-four hours.

no editing, no schoolwork, no running errands or driving way out of town for Christmas trees. not that I minded too much, but the break is much needed.

I miss Ren. she hasn't texted or called since she left to go home, and I'm starting to feel guilty. more than anything, I want to take back some of it. how could I have said that I didn't want her in my life? she's been there since freshman year of undergrad-- not having her now feels inconceivably wrong.

as much as I'm glad I didn't go home with her over the holidays, the apartment is lonely. I don't even have my own Orion to lessen the blow. the shutting of doors, my own sighs, feel louder without her.

I remember the first time we spent the holidays here, junior year. I didn't want to go home and Ren was recovering from the flu, so she canceled her travel plans. we spent Christmas Eve Eve wandering the streets and making our way around the boroughs. somehow, neither of us had seen all of the city-- most of our time was spent between Manhattan and Brooklyn, with a singular trip to Long Island to visit a friend of ours in her vacation home.

we gorged on Korean BBQ and saw some Christmas movies at a theater in Dumbo, laughed and talked about our future plans. up until recently, Ren has never made me feel lesser. sure, there was the occasional poke to join her at parties, but it was never deep and I was never difficult to sway.

maybe it's just a build-up of little things. those are the real undercutting parts.

part of me wants to call Matthew. whenever I don't want to think about things, I call him. and I know I can't. he's probably painting or spending time with friends or doing something completely non-pathetic, unlike me. that's embarrassing.

instead of succumbing to the urge, I pull myself out of bed and take a shower. if I can take a walk around the neighborhood, maybe do some (very) last-minute Christmas shopping, then I'll feel better.

...

an hour of window-shopping later, my bank account is sacked. I've gotten things for Matthew and a couple of my other friends, including Ren. a hollowed-out Webster's dictionary to store her weed practically screamed out to me while I was in a corner store.

I walk down the street, passing by families and friends out for festivities. a woman clings to her boyfriend's arm. both of them are smiling about something as they go. it wrenches something inside of me for no reason at all.

I hear the woman burst into laughter at the end of the street, and it strikes a chord. fuck it; I'm lonely and I miss Matthew. not even romantically-- I just miss his jokes. ducking into the space between apartment stoops and pulling out my phone, I send him a quick text.

do you want to do something today?

does that sound desperate? kind of. I retype the message about five times, re-wording and restoring it to its original form. and then I press send.

there's nothing more for me to do than wait, so I stop to get myself a coffee and warm up. my fingers have started to go numb and my nose hurts from the cold. I sit by the window and watch the way the daylight spreads a grayish white tone over the city. even with all the red and green decorations that stores have put up, it'll be prettier at night. when the windows fill up with aureate tones and the street lamps paint the sidewalks gold... that's much more romantic. except I'm a woman in a major urban area with nobody to walk with, so that's not really a safe option at this point.