metro card//MGG

epilogue

you guys I'm not joking I had a dream about this story today and when I woke up I literally felt like I had an out-of-body experience. so weird. I was, like, weeping. anyway enjoy!

unrelated but "parent song" by chelsea cutler and jeremy zucker made me cry while writing this.

my stomach churns as I wait by the door to the apartment. of all the anxiety I've had this week, the worst is happening right now; the anticipation creeps up my spine, fills my limbs with a leaded weight. I debate calling the whole thing off-- but then, that wouldn't help anyone.

Orion presses up against my calf and sits beside me, her saucer-sized eyes turned up at the door as if she is also waiting for something. my lips are raw from how frequently I've been biting them today.

when an arm snakes around my waist and gently guides me back to the living room, I try to find a way to breathe.

"hey," Matthew leans me against the arm of the couch. "it's gonna be okay."

"you know, I thought I was prepared for this, but I'm not?" it comes out like a question, my words going a million miles a minute. the de-stressing candles we've lit throughout the room seem to be having absolutely no effect.

"you are ready. you're just nervous." his voice is level. if I really wanted to cancel this and never try again, he'd support me. but I've spoken about it for too long, the most shameful fear that weighs on me when we lay next to each other at the end of the day.

"your fans don't even know, yet. I have no idea how he'll react." I work myself up, my gaze flicking from my boyfriend's face to the art-covered walls to the sunbeams that have worked their way through spring and now stretch across wooden floors. I love spring; I hate this.

"he's not gonna like me." Matthew shrugs nonchalantly.

"you don't know that," I frown, realize something. "I've made this all about me-- are you feeling okay?"

"I'm perfectly fine." he kisses my forehead softly. the pressure of his lips is now familiar.

"you'll need to be prepared for my mom's dramatics as well." I try to smile.

"oh, I think I've got all the experience I need." he teases, letting out that musical laugh that makes my heart lighten a bit. I drop my head against his shoulder. the pendant of his necklace glints as it hangs in front of me. I sigh deeply to inhale his scent, and then someone knocks on the door.

I pull away, our eyes meeting for a moment. my heart stops. I like to watch his pupils dilate when they find mine. and there's that silent question in them, waiting for my confirmation.

"come on." my voice is weak. there's nowhere to go but forward, really.

I head to the entryway and pull open the door. my parents are in the hallway, neatly arranged and bundled up in their coats. it's surreal. like the meeting of two worlds I never thought would overlap.

there's exhaustion in the sight as well, as if the travel from home to New York has leeched some of the life from their bones. although I doubt it's the flying that's done it; the older I get, the more stark these changes seem. shimmering memories punctured by reality.

"sweetheart." my mother wraps me up in a hug before I have the chance to get out my words and the tightness of her grasp squeezes at my ribs before she releases me. somehow, air eludes me.

I come face-to-face with my father.

"hi." I say. he takes me in momentarily, identifying the features that have changed or stayed the same since we last spoke. I suppose that was over a year ago. my hair is a bit shorter and my smile more natural.