metro card//MGG

16

this chapter is so dialogue-heavy, I'm sorry! I hope I made up for it a little, though ;)

the second I flop onto the hotel bed, my body curls into a semi-fetal position. along with a stomachache, my head is pounding from the anxiety that tonight has brought. the thought of how close Matthew was to me just an hour ago sticks to the inside of my skull.

and now I've fucked up. he seemed so confused by my assumptions about Tia and him, like that was the furthest thing from his mind. but what am I supposed to think? they talk all the time when we're not rolling and she always gives him that kind of smile that you only give to people you've dreamt about. and that kiss they shared-- something like that doesn't seem fake.

ugh, I can't think about it.

my breathing is shallow as I realize just how much I opened up earlier. I cried in front of him, cried into him, and let him hear the incoherent string of things that have been muddled in my head for days now. why can't I handle this? handle what? the weight of my mother's diagnosis when I'm the only one who seems to be truly broken up about it? am I upset about her, or about the prospect of losing her? I wonder if I'm just selfish.

the worst part is knowing that deep down, I wish I could freeze time. things aren't the best right now, but they could get worse. they will. whenever I think about the future, my heart hammers in my chest and begs the world to stop spinning on its axis.

as I start to spiral, I squeeze my eyes shut and grip onto the comforter. Matthew is on the other side of that wall, probably wondering what the hell is going through my head. I want to know the same of him; every time we're together, I feel myself drawn into some undertow. he tempts me close without ever admitting that I'm doing the same to him. maybe it's all in my head. I've never had a friend like him and it could be poisoning the way I process his actions.

I literally can't concentrate on such a heavy subject right now. my head hurts and I hate leaving Matthew and me in this liminal space. maybe we don't need to outright confront the issue right now, but I would at least like to not leave us on an awkward note before we spend three more hours alone in the car tomorrow morning.

when I knock on his hotel door, I have to bite the inside of my cheek. he opens it in his pajamas, an expensive-looking blue set with little white polka dots that remind me of a 1950's sitcom. the sight of him with his toothbrush in his mouth is almost enough to make me smile.

"hi." I greet, not knowing what else to say.

"hey." he holds up a finger, gestures for me to come inside, then goes to the bathroom to finish brushing his teeth. the clothes he had on earlier are folded neatly on the desk.

"how do you have pajamas?" I ask as I sit on the edge of the bed. we didn't pack anything since leaving, so I'm still in my jeans and top. the faucet turns off and he wanders out with his glasses on.

"I left my bag from Connecticut in the car." he shrugs. my head drops down as I study my open palm, smile to myself. he leans against the threshold of the bathroom and plays with that damned ring on his finger. "to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

"oh, sorry." I realize. "I can't sleep. I'll leave, though, if you want to go to bed."

"I wasn't planning on sleeping yet, either." he smiles wanly. I don't neglect to notice that he won't sit next to me or move any closer than the doorway. my heart squeezes at the distance he creates.

"what's keeping you up?" he speaks again, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"is it okay if I say I don't wanna talk about it?" my face twists up a bit as I ask. when he purses his lips, I note just how lovely his mouth is. I could have kissed him earlier. maybe I made the right decision in not doing so, but I could have done it.