The Changes (On Hold)

Chapter 6

I still feel guilty as the bell rings to end the school day. I barely ate at lunch, letting the guilt feed on my insides while I watched Ryan make new friends and flirt with girls. It still hurt to see this, even after a year of not talking to him. I loved Andrew, I loved him 100%, but I still felt... things for Ryan. 

I had been telling Ryan I loved him and he was saying it back, and of course I felt guilty cheating on Andrew when I talked to him, but something felt right between Ryan and I. I just couldn’t place my finger on it. It was like a forbidden love. 

But I guess that meant nothing.

Every time he said “I love you”... It was all a lie...

Why do I care?

I honestly don’t know. I shouldn’t. But I do. I think part of me hoped he still loved me....

Then again he had been hitting on my best friend whom I later got in a fight with and we had grown apart.

He ruined me..

Yet I still had feelings for him..

What the heck is wrong with me?

He made me start cutting... He made me become depressed.. Then I felt bad for the crap I was putting Andrew though.. I had basically ignored him... I was a terrible girlfriend... And I still am obviously...

I had texted Ryan and told him off one day after he posted that on FaceBook.. calling him a “self-conceded jerk” and then we argued and he said he didn’t regret hitting on my friend... The conversation ended with me calling him out.. I had said “Get away. You’ve officially made my hit list.” and he had told me I was rude.

I still remember the sarcastic laugh. I had said then “Really?! You have to nerve to call me rude? I didn’t hit on your best friend and told you I didn’t regret doing it. I didn’t lie to you. You want to be with me? You want to be with someone who will send you freaking nudes. You let your dick control your brain.”

And then I said goodbye and stopped answering his texts.

That was the last time I’d talked to him.

Like I said, I shouldn’t care that he’s moved on. It’s for the best. I just.. can’t help but not feel something.

Ugh! Feelings... You suck.

Then I remembered.. I had to get to Andrew’s. 

I pulled out my phone to text him.

Me: Hey babe?

Andrew: Yeah?

Me: Im stayin with u... Did u already leave?

Andrew: Nah... Want me to wait?

Me: No doesn’t matter... I have a key anyways.

Andrew: Kay.. love you.. Bye.

I grab my car keys from my locker and walk to my car. I unlock the doors and hop in, shutting out the crisp November air. Man I loved this car.. Andrew had gotten it for me on my sweet 16th... His family is pretty wealthy so I mean.. I call him Santa when the holidays come around.. (He’s the one who got me the curling wand.) 

I pull into their driveway and pull my keys out of the ignition. I pop the trunk and grab my duffel bag. I close the trunk and stand outside of their huge 3 story house, made out of gray stone, placed like bricks. I walk up the steps and unlock their front door, immediately heading for Andrew’s room. I walk up two flights of stairs and then open the door and walk in setting my stuff down. I flop down on his bed letting the smell of him fill my nostrils.