Fix You (Loki Romance)

Chapter 4

I didn't visit Loki for weeks. I just couldn't bring myself to face him. I tried a few times. But the thought of trying to separate truth from lies and decipher what exactly Sigyn stood to gain from coming between us seemed so exhausting. It was common knowledge, by now, that I had found out about Sigyn and that I had been ignoring Loki. The gossip about us was raging in the palace.

I was sitting by Heimdall now, staring down at my new golden wrist braces. I'd been pondering if this was what love was. It had its ups and downs but was it supposed to hurt? I looked up at Heimdall.

"Heimdall?" His head shifted slightly in my direction. "Has there ever been... I don't know. Someone you loved?"

His attention shifted back towards the void. "Once." He said quietly.

"What happened?"

"She was killed in battle during the genocide on Muspelheim."

"She wasn't Asgardian?" I hadn't expected that but when a man watched the entire universe with his back to his home, wouldn't it be more likely?

"No. A kind of pilot, in some ways. They tame a birdlike animal and keep them for travel."

I nodded, my mouth miming and 'oh.' "Did she know you loved her?" He shook his head. I felt a twinge of sadness for the love he'd never been able to enjoy. Falling in love with someone from afar. To an earthling, the thought of a man watching and loving from afar was downright creepy. But Heimdall had no choice. He could not leave his post. He could never have been with her. I stared down at my wrist braces again. Heimdall sat next to me suddenly. I blinked and looked at him. He rested his arms on his knees.

"I loved in my youth and never enjoyed the return of another's affection. It is the curse people with my skill bear. You should speak with Loki. Life is short and love is not gone wasted, or worse smothered in anger. Enjoy your love. It is a privilege some never experience."

I blinked again. "I shouldn't have to go through this though. This isn't love." I felt my anger bubble up again. "He can't keep hurting me and betraying my trust and expecting forgiveness. He-"

"Loves you. Deeply." I shut my mouth as he turned his eyes to me. "I have watched Loki grow up. Over these hundreds of years, I have never seen him love anyone as he does you. I have never seen him smile as he smiles at you. It is a misunderstanding and few people know this. Loki has not lain with Sigyn since he broke off their engagement. That was, most likely when you were still a babe. Why should it matter now?"

I stared at him. "Why are you telling me this? He betrayed you. Why help him? Why did you testify for him when we came here?"

He sighed. "You have come to visit me often and I have considered you a friend. I may not care for Loki but I have watched him grow up. You are both unhappy. And so I have decided to help where I can. I see so much suffering and can do little about it. I stood idly by while I watched him hurt you before. Now you are here and I can help. Go. Speak to him." He pushed me to my feet and went back to standing guard. I looked down at the ground for a long time, thinking over what he'd told me. Finally, I turned and looked up at his dark face.

"Thank you." He waved me away.

By the time I arrived at the prison, my determination to make this right had waned under the fear of being wrong. What if Loki had actually slept with her? What if I really was the other woman? Still, the guard brought me inside and let me into the cell. Loki stood as I came in. I shifted on my feet, wiping my hands on my dress. Looking away, I swallowed.

"Hey. Um... Hi. I, uh, just wanted to talk. If that's okay." He cleared his throat a couple of times and nodded. I took a deep breath. "Tell me the truth. Did you touch her? Sleep with her?"

"No." He shook his head immediately. He sat slowly on the cot and gestured for me to take the chair. "Will you let me explain?" I nodded. "Sigyn came disguised as you." I frowned. "She pretended to be you, talked to me about meeting her, about teasing Fandral. Nothing seemed out of place until she tried to kiss me. I didn't mind obviously, I thought it was you. I was overjoyed, actually! I was just happy to have you in my arms again and so..." He shrugged. "Eager. But it felt so strange, I should have known already that something was wrong. She tried t-to undress. She didn't care that we could be seen."

He ran a frantic hand through his hair and stood to pave the cell. "I thought something was wrong then. She didn't know what I was talking about when I asked why she wasn't afraid of me. After everything, you still have trouble letting me kiss you or hold you. But suddenly to demand that I make love to you? No, I knew then it couldn't be you. And who did I know that would stand to gain from tricking me into this?"

"She's done something like this before?" It was starting to make some sense. I had heard that Sigyn was almost as skilled as Loki.

"Oh yes." His laugh was humorless. "Scared away mistresses when it seemed I had kept them too long. She made them think I had moved on by disguising herself as someone else and putting me in all sorts of compromising situations. She never liked to be anything but number one in my eyes. She dropped the disguise but then the mist came up and I suppose that is when you were coming.

"She demanded to know how I could prefer you to her. How I could give up all we stood to gain together just to be with you. She had pushed me down and climbed on top of me, I swear I didn't... I wouldn't." He sighed. "You simply came at the worst possible second and that, I suppose, was the best thing she could have had."

I looked down at my clasped hands, running through his words again. "You understand why this is hard to believe."

"I know." He sighed. He crouched in front of me and bent to meet my eyes. "Ebony, I know it's hard to believe me but I have not touched her in years. I want nothing to do with her, I swear to you! I would only tell you the truth. I cannot lie to you."

"You've lied before."

"Not by my own choice." He reached for me slowly.

I stood and stepped away. "Do you know how many times I trusted you and you hurt me? How many times I felt like a fool for loving you? How many times I've sat and cried over all of this?" I could feel tears threatening again but I was just so tired of crying and being hurt and angry. Why did everything have to be so hard? He didn't speak, couldn't even bring himself to look at me. "I want to trust you but how can I? My heart tells me to forgive you, to trust you. My body recoils from you. And my mind is too confused to pick a side. And then this happens! Do you know what you're doing to me?!"

"Yes!" He shouted, standing now. "Everyday I war with myself to let you go. To tell you that I am no good for you. But I love you, Eb. I can't let you go." He reached out slowly, taking my hands in his and pulling me to him. He buried his face in my hair and held me tight. I stayed rigid in his arms, unsure how to react. "I'm sorry. For all I've done to you. I will always regret it. But I need one more chance. Love me, one more time. Please. And if I fail you this time, then I'll let you go."

I tried as gently as possible to pull myself out of his arms. "One." I breathed shakily. "But I can't take more than that."

He seemed ready to collapse onto the floor at that. "Thank you." He sighed heavily.

I nodded woodenly, wondering if I would regret this. I had been told, when I was very young, that I was too nice and too easy to take advantage of. Now that my life had come to include aliens and power of unimaginable strength, and a world of people who saw only their only advantage, I wondered if being so nice would kill me.