Sanity

11. Who I Am

Jaelyn didn't leave her room the rest of the day. Even the Queen had stopped by to see her, but she wouldn't open the door for anyone. No one understood. She couldn't exactly be honest with why she was upset, or had the feelings she did. Even if they knew about the contract, she was still not meant to have feelings for the brother of her betrothed. Nothing about her situation made sense, and she could not hope to know where to begin. She was beginning to accept her fate, however gruesome.

The next morning, she'd managed to pull herself into a nice dress and fix her dark hair into a low, neat ball on her head, a few dark wispy strands framing her face. Her dark eyes reflected those of one who had endured no sleep for days, but a little powder on her cheeks would ensure no one would notice.

She opened the door to her room, glancing down each end of the hall to make sure it was clear before she stepped out and headed for the stairs. She decided a walk in the gardens was the right course of action for the morning. She was unlikely to run into the King or Queen, or William for that matter, and some fresh air would do more good than harm.

She emerged from the palace doors and stepped outside, immediately breathing in the clean air that welcomed her in its embrace. The sun was out, laying its beams onto the bright colours around her, but it wasn't too warm that she found it uncomfortable. A light, playful breeze played with the soft strands of her hair, coaxing her to close her eyes and lift her chin to embrace it. She could hear birds in the distance.

"Kamryn...?" a quiet voice spoke from behind her. She opened her eyes, turning slowly as her dark eyes studied the man in front of her, relief washing through her as she found it wasn't the handsome older brother she was trying to avoid.

"Call me Jaelyn," she replied after a moment, her voice sounding weak and not at all like herself. "Did the Queen send you? I have no desire to talk about the wedding today."

"Not the Queen," Noah sighed crossing his arms over his chest as he moved to lean against a terracotta planter, crossing one leg over the other. He was dressed smartly, but didn't appear to have made much effort, as if his mind was on other things. Jaelyn knew the feeling.

"What, William?" Jaelyn pressed.

"Myself. William will not talk to me. You didn't come to dinner, or really leave your room after I sent you off with Will to dance. Forgive me for that," he added quietly. "I assume it did not go well."

Jaelyn let a small sigh escape her lips, almost sagging her shoulders in defeat. "It did not," she admitted finally, turning and closing her eyes in the wind once more as she tried to take her mind to a happier place. "There is a servant girl here, one you and William brought off the streets a few weeks before I arrived. Her name is Maeve. My mentor sent her to keep an eye on me, to make sure I do the job or die trying."

Noah drew a sharp breath, but Jaelyn did not budge. "Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded. "I can have her fired right away."

"It will raise too much suspicion. Just leave her. I think I scared her yesterday, so she should not prove a challenge anymore."

"She confronted you?"

"She revealed herself the day of the ball," Jaelyn corrected him, dropping her head once again as she moved to lean against the planter beside Noah. "Every time I think I am about to confess to Will, to tell him who I am and what I was sent here to do, she appears, as if out of nowhere. She basically threatened me after yesterday. She saw... she saw us kiss."

Noah turned to look at her as a small pain tugged at her heartstrings from the mention of yesterday's events.

"I am so, so sorry," he murmured finally, and looped an arm around Jaelyn gently. She leant into him, accepting the comforting embrace as if there were nothing she was left to do.

"I told him I want him, that I want to be with him, and he rejected me."

"That doesn't sound like him," Noah said immediately, a frown knitting his eyebrows together as he pulled back from the hug. "He loves you, this I know. What else did he say?"

"He said he was betraying you," she murmured, looking up at him with hurt in her eyes. "I couldn't tell him, Noah, I can't handle another rejection."

Noah shook his head, the ghost of a smile dancing on his lips. "My brother has always been loyal to me," he explained. "You need to tell him soon, Jaelyn. Before the wedding. He deserves to know; he thinks he is hurting me and you, and that's hurting him more than anything."

"It's not that easy," Jaelyn grumbled, sitting up straighter as Noah dropped his arm from around her. "I've been pretending to be someone else for so long that I almost forgot who I was until yesterday. When Maeve accused me, I saw red. I grabbed her, threatened her. I would have killed her if I knew I wouldn't have been caught. That's who I am, Noah. I'm a murderer. I'm not this perfect princess that he thinks I am, and when he finds out the truth, he's going to hate me. Right now, I think it will be easier for him if I just leave and he never knows."

"You will be on the run," Noah warned her. "I told you I was going to think of a plan, and I wasn't lying. If you are going to get even a sliver of a chance at a better life, with or without Will, we need to take out two people first."

Jaelyn turned to look at him, frowning. She studied his expression to see if he was joking, but he was dead serious. There was almost a dangerous glint in his eyes that she had never seen before. He was determined.

"You want to kill Tank and Korey Matzen," she realised suddenly, her voice quiet but hard. "Noah..."

"I know. But it's the only way."

She paused momentarily, feeling a strange wash of emotion tumble through her in a way that was almost overwhelming. She felt her eyes well up.

"Why do you even want to help me?" she whispered. "I'm a bad person, Noah. I've killed people. It's who I am. I came here fully intending on killing your brother and blaming you for his murder. You don't owe me anything."

"You don't have to be that person, Jaelyn," Noah explained to her, his voice gentle and soothing. "You can have a good life with him." He paused, thinking for a moment. "I'm doing this for both of you. You've both been told what you are going to be, and neither of you really want to live up to those expectations. You are good people, and you deserve happiness. You deserve each other."

"He will hate me."

"Maybe he will. At first. But I've not seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you, Jaelyn. You may not be a princess, but you have been yourself with him and he will be okay with the truth. You both will. But you need to trust. Trust me, okay? I will not let anything bad happen to you. I've grown quite fond of you, you know," he added playfully, nudging her with his elbow. She let a small smile creep to her lips at his kind words and gestures.

"I am sure, no matter what happens, we will all be okay," she admitted finally, her voice quiet. "Even if I am not in love with the man I am to marry." But she believed those words, truly. And that was enough to get her by.