𝔟𝔦𝔱𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔰𝔴𝔢𝔢𝔱 // 𝔥. 𝔤𝔯𝔞𝔫𝔤𝔢𝔯

IV. 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓴 𝓹𝓾𝓹𝓹𝔂

December 1, 1996

December is a bittersweet time. It's cold, and I hate the cold. But I think the cold is all worth it when I go to hogsmeade with Mione and the snowflakes fall perfectly on the tip of her nose and in her hair. She looks so lovely in the snow. That is why December is bittersweet. 

"Want to go to Three Broomsticks Ora? I think Harry is there now." I wish we could go here just the two of us, but Harry has tagged along this entire year since Ron is busy with Lavender. 

"Sure Mione." I say yes only because she will be there. 

I feel like a lovesick puppy.

Hermione could tell me to cut off all my limbs and I would do it, no questions asked.

Hermione could tell me to never speak to my father again and I would probably listen to her. 

Hermione could tell me to fuck off and I would listen. 

Why must she have this affect on me?

"Hey Harry." I slide into the seat next to Hermione, across from Harry. "Hey guys, anyone care for a butter beer? You look like you could use one Pandora." Harry chuckles while getting up to go order, not even waiting to hear if me or Hermione wanted one.

"Ora, Slughorn's Christmas party is in two weeks. Do you have a dress picked out?"

"Yeah I do don't worry Mione, I'll look fabulous." Hermione giggles before turning her attention to where Harry is standing. "You always look fabulous." Hermione mutters under her breath? I swear I'm hearing things now. Even if she said that, she didn't mean anything by it. She couldn't.

She didn't.

She isn't different like I am.

~~

School is hard. 

I used to be decent at it, not as good as Hermione or even Harry who grew up with no idea of magic. I grew up around it, my father showed me different cool things. One of my favorites was when he would make bubbles come from the tip of his wand. 

I think he would be disappointed in me if he saw how absolutely stupid I have become this year. No matter how hard I try, my thoughts are always occupied by a certain witch during classes. Then that same witch sees me struggle and offers to help me. So we study and I end up just looking at her. 

After she notices I'm paying no attention at all she ends up just giving in and giving me her homework to copy down. Harry noticed this once and got very upset because I'm the only person she'll give her answers to.

"Look Ora you really need to focus. I want to help you truly, so please try." She gives me a pleading look as she sets her hands on top of mine, causing me to jolt slightly. "For me." She adds, giving me a look I can't resist.

"Alright alright I'll try my best Mione. Sixth year is stressful and I don't want to disappoint my dad so I'll try my hardest." 

"You know you could never disappoint him Pandora. No matter what you choose to do with your life he will be there." 

Perhaps she's right. But what if I told him how I feel about my best friend?

How do I feel about my best friend? 

I hate feelings. 

But I think I might fancy the pants off of Hermione Granger.

Shit.

This isn't normal; my dad would hate me.

~~

I wish I could just go to the library and find a book that will tell me my feelings. Perhaps there's a book on why the fuck I feel like this towards her.

One more week until Slughorn's party and I feel so awkward around Hermione. Like she could see right through me and she's waiting for the exact moment to tell everyone. I'm definitly not gay, just confused. It's probably just a phase. Just. A. Phase.

I exit the dorm wearing some torn up jeans and some random muggle band shirt. Sirius bought me it. I'm not so sure how, he's still a wanted fugitive. I wish I could clear his name so badly. He's the only person from school my dad has and I know it's killing him to see his best friend like this.

As I go down the steps into the common room I see Hermione sitting there, her face illuminated by the fire.

She looks gorgeous.

Moments like this make me realize how much I wish I could be with her. 

I'm sick.