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I sat on my bed looking out the window. Tonight Liam had invited several guys over to watch game tapes; whatever that meant. Aunt Karen had made sure I knew I was welcome to go down and watch them with them if I wanted to. But I wasn't doing that to Liam.
Instead, I was sitting here and watching to see if Harry would come over. As angry as he'd made me this morning, that look in his eyes he tried so hard to disguise had been nagging at me. I wanted to despise him, or even just be indifferent to him, but I couldn't seem to get him out of my thoughts.
I'd been so sure he was heartless after what he did in the hallway. But later I'd watched him shove a guy against the wall and take a pair of glasses from him and then hand them back to a terrified-looking freshman. It had been so quick that if I hadn't been studying him, I would have missed it. Cruel, heartless people didn't do that. They didn't stand up for the weak. Harry was one big contradiction.
But I still wouldn't trust him. That much I knew. Just because he spoke kindly to his mother and helped a kid being bullied did not mean I would form any attachment to him. Yes, he had kissed me and, yes, I had liked it. And yes, I was curious about whatever secret he was keeping from everyone. But I wasn't one to let a guy turn my head. I had done that once in junior high school. He'd been a year older than I was and beautiful. I thought he really liked me, but then I'd found out he was just using me to get my friend. After finding out he'd asked her to the homecoming dance, I had come home in tears. Mom had sat on the sofa with me and we'd eaten popcorn, chocolate ice cream with hot fudge, and pizza. She was always there when I hurt. She always knew how to make me smile...
I shoved the memory away. I couldn't think about that.
I missed her too much.
I pulled the blanket up over my arms and tucked it under my chin, then rested my head against the wall.
Harry's eyes were going to haunt me. Were all his friends blind to his behavior? Did they just accept it?
I'd seen him kissing Sage this afternoon; she clearly didn't stay mad at him long and was rubbing all over him by the last bell; I'd wanted to be her for a second. Now that I knew how it felt to be in his arms, I had one weak moment where I'd wished he'd been the boy I thought he was Friday night. But then I remembered he was standing there kissing a girl he'd treated terribly. Was that his apology to Sage? Did she forgive him so easily? Probably. I'd seen that kind of warped relationship with my parents. If she only knew how unhealthy it could become...
Guys who looked like Harry made girls forget themselves. I had watched it happen so many times. When you are silent, you can observe so much more. I see others' mistakes more easily. And people feel safe saying things around me they wouldn't normally say because they know I won't repeat them or because they confuse being mute with being deaf.
For instance, two of my six teachers today had spoken extra loudly as if I couldn't hear them when they addressed me in class. It was funny as fuck, they looked so stupid just screaming at me. I was used to it by now, but it still made me laugh inside.
