Take my breath away (EN)

Mr. Jones

Maura POV

I think after a day like this, I might really miss our romantic getaways in your apartment. It is evening and we have already packed most of your stuff, but you decide to take away only the boxes with your wardrobe for the moment, so you can settle down calmly. We're heading back to what's now becoming our home, and while you're driving, I'll take this opportunity to ask you a thorny question. "I was thinking...we promised the others to celebrate at Dirty Robber as soon as I finish the period of illness... what if we take this opportunity to announce our cohabitation?"

You smile and look at me.

"You read my mind, Maura. I don't want to wait, especially so my mom or Frankie don't find out any other way about this. This time I'd like to do things right", you reply. The corner of your mouth rises slightly, in a smiling smile. When we arrive home, I help you unpack your things, making room for your clothes in the closet. Fortunately, you don't need much space, so I don't have to find myself clumsy in figuring out where to put my stuff. I will definitely have to tidy up in the next few days, and make room... make room for you in my daily life. There's nothing I want to do more than this now.

A few days after

Jane POV

Finally after today my move will be over. I stopped by my old apartment to pick up the last couple of boxes, while you decided to stay home to take a bath...I wish I could've been there to keep you company, but I preferred you to enjoy your relaxation ritual in peace. And then it will be nicer to smell the scent of bath salts on your body tonight. I'm just finishing closing the package with my favorite mugs inside, when I hear my phone vibrate.

"Do you miss me yet?" I answer in a hurry.

Being off work, you can only be the one to call me... or so I thought.

"I kind of do, actually... hi Jane!"

When I hear the voice on the other end of the phone, the blood freezes in my veins.

"Casey?" I reply and my voice reflects all the concerns over this phone call.

"Apparently you haven't lost your intuition, Jane!"

God, I can't believe it... I haven't heard from him in ages... I haven't heard from him since... that night....

Flashback

"Jane, I can't believe we're really talking about this", he says, incredulously. I would, I would really like to be happy with him... a home, a family, someone who loves me for the rest of my life... I didn't think the day would come when I would want this for myself, for my future. And now that someone's ready to give me that chance... there's something holding me back. It would be simple and Casey is gorgeous, I was in love with him since high school, he is a wonderful person, strong, determined, affectionate... that's why I can't say yes to him.

It would be happiness so close at hand, despite our seemingly incompatible careers, but I feel like I'm not the right woman, I'm unsure if I want to take this step with him and I don't want to risk hurting him even more, more than I am right now.

"Casey, I'd like to take you up on your offer, I really would... but I can't"

"Can you explain what your problem is?" he asks me, decidedly altered. It intimidates me to hear him speak to me in that tone. But I can't do that to him, I can't deceive him into thinking I can give him what he wants.

"I'm... I'm not ready, that's all"

"That's all Jane? Hell, we've been chasing each other for years, we could have been happy long ago, I asked you to marry me and first you say yes... and now..." I lower my gaze, feeling guilty, and I'm right. I never wanted to hurt him. I just want him to believe me.

"Casey, I can't marry you... I thought I could, but... I'm not ready"

"Not ready or not ready to do it with me?" His words confuse me...I can't figure out where he's going with this.

"What aren't you telling me, Casey? Spit it out, stop with this dancing around..."

"Oh come on Jane, you really want me to believe that Maura had nothing to do with this?"

I'm unsettled by his question... I still don't understand what you mean. I'm going through my mind and I remember when I got to the office I saw you guys talking aside, but I didn't give it too much thought. I could see the conversation was serious, but you were both staying calm, so I didn't want to get in the way. When I told you about his proposal, you were happy for me, so I don't understand why she asked that.

"What did Maura tell you?" I ask him, thinking that he actually has the answer to his question, unlike me. Maybe I'm missing a piece of this puzzle... I just don't know.

"You didn't answer my question"

"Damn it Casey, what the hell were you talking about to each other today?"

"It's not because of what we talked about that I'm asking you. But if you really want, I'll tell you... she wanted me to realize how lucky I am to have you, to have the chance to love you, to make you happy. And that if I hurt you, even once, I'd have to deal with her."

"She... you know how Maura is... she's protective."

"In fact... it's not what she told me that's the problem... the problem is that you won't agree to marry me because... well, because I'm simply not her"

"What the fuck are you saying Casey? But do you hear yourself when you speak?"

Now I'm pissed off, like a beast... you and me, what? What image did he get in his head of our relationship? I don't get it... or maybe I'm finally starting to get it. I'm starting to realize that maybe there's a reason for this insecurity I have. What if... No, it can't be. I never thought that... that we... and yet I've been looking at you for a while and I feel like I'm doing it differently.

We're colleagues, we've been working together for a long time, but above all we're friends... that's why we're so close... that's why we...

I'd like my thoughts to convince me at least, I really would. I sit up, trying to regain my composure in this maelstrom of sensations and thoughts and... no, it can't be. Am I really giving up a man who loves me and could make me happy, for... for what? An idea? Maybe an infatuation? I don't know, I really don't. There's a real mess in my head, I can't put a name to the emotions that overlap, overwhelm, fight inside me.

For a moment in this room it's just me and my emotions. I forget about everything except me... and you. I even forget that Casey is still here, three feet away from me, until I hear his voice.

"Jane, I get it... and in time I will accept that you said no to our love for what is perhaps meant to be a greater love. Someday maybe I'll wish you happiness. But you'll forgive me if I don't stay here to comfort you now... if one day you change your mind, come knock on my door. I don't know if I'll still be waiting for you, but do you, when in doubt."

He left my house, after I gave him back the ring... I never saw him again. I never heard from him again. Until now, until this moment.