Take my breath away (EN)

Turning tables

Flashback 
I decide not to park in the driveway, I don't want you to hear the sound of my car. I think it's gonna take me a few minutes to find the courage to do what I'm going to do. I turn off the car and for a moment I get stuck: I have no alternative, I will not be the one who will stop you from realizing your dreams. You sacrificed everything for your career, ever since you were a private school student. I understand, we have always been the same about this: our jobs define us, we could never live without. I find the courage to get out of the car and when I approach to the front door, it opens and I see you ready to welcome me. You are a vision. I don't ever want to stop basking in your beauty, but I have made my decision.

You're standing on the doorstep wearing a kimono style dressing gown, the result of one of your compulsive online shopping moments. I remember when you told me the price, I asked you if it was made of gold threads, and you told me a story about its manufacture that could very well have been the plot of a monochrome silent drama. This memory helps me for a moment to keep control of myself, but I knew that with this premise it would be an even tougher evening. You let me in and I don't even have time to respond to your greeting before your soft lips rest on mine. You leave me a series of small, slow kisses on the lips holding me with one hand by the collar of my shirt. You wrap your other arm around my neck like you're afraid I might run away.

"Maura..." I sigh as soon as your lips leave mine peppering kisses across my neck.

"Maura, I need to talk to you," but you don't seem to want to hear me and your left hand slides down my collar, down my shoulder, along my arm, until you take my right hand and bring it to touch your silky, heady scented skin, on your chest. I feel like I'm already losing control, but I can't, not now.

"Jane, I have something on my mind first..." and you put your lips back on mine, but this time your tongue is asking my permission to come in, and I give it to, the kiss is getting hotter and hotter, and I'm definitely losing control. You take my jacket off and you drop it on the floor, we don't care. I wrap arms around you and we approach the kitchen island and, when your back hits the counter, you stop kissing and start unbuttoning my shirt. And that's when I get that shred of clarity that hasn't gone away between your kisses, and I push your away from me. I realize what I have to say to you, and I know my face gives away how heartbreaking this moment is.

"Jane, what's going on, are you okay?" you ask me, realizing already that the answer is no. My words are stuck in my throat, I'm already sobbing and I'm leaning against the wall looking for support, I slide down the edge of the kitchen cupboards, and I see your expression become serious, you come towards me and you say:

"Jane, ok relax, take a breath, you'll be fine...you're probably having a panic attack, but don't worry. I'm here with you"

"I don't love you" It comes out like that, out of nowhere. You turn to me in silence, but you ignore my words and measure my pulse. I shred the last piece of my heart and I repeat those words, arming myself with all the coldness that my eyes and my voice can transmit.

"Maura, I don't love you" I say in a low, but firm tone. You can't ignore me this time. I know you've understood me because you tell me that I'm not well, that it's just a lack of oxygenation...

"I don't love you" I get up and you follow me while I say it and you almost start to convince yourself that I'm not sick, that tonight is really going to be the end of everything, of us.

"Jane, I don't understand..." and you pull yourself away from me, closing your dressing gown with your hands, like you're embarrassed. Your instincts probably made you feel that I was no longer the Jane you were in love with, but a stranger.

"Did I do something wrong?" you ask me with an innocent tenderness.

"No," I reply annoyed, but without much effort to convince you that it is so. "You saw what I wanted you to see, but it was just physical for me..." I add.

"You really want me to believe that it was just sex to you?" You say incredulous, convinced that my answer will be no and that all doubt of this madness will be dispelled.

"Yeah, I never said I wanted to commit..." but I don't get enough time to finish the sentence before you slap me across the cheek.

"I don't believe it Jane, I can't believe it... you really did this for what? For sex? How could you do this... to us, to me?" your voice breaks as you say it and I force myself to remain impassive to convince you that what I'm telling you is true. And this look on my face makes you not want to show me the pain you're feeling. You don't want me to see you fall apart. You're too proud to do that.

"Get out of this house right now ... I don't ever want to see you again."

"Maura ..." I don't want to leave her alone like this. You pick up my jacket and shove me towards the door.

"Get out...NOW!" You close the door behind me and the only thing I can do is stand there, with my hand resting on the door almost as if I want you to feel that your best friend is here for you. And in that moment I hear your back rubbing against the door, you sit down and cry with a desperation I never thought I would cause.