barbarism (dreamnoblade)

chapter nineteen

|||Technoblade POV|||

Dim light hovers in the air like moisture, reflecting off the dull metal as it slices through the potatoes he had lined up on the counter. Technoblade hums a tune he doesn’t remember, focused on the knife as he chops up today’s meal.

It was a great way to organize his thoughts, take a step back and think about what happened yesterday. A way to prevent being overwhelmed, the last thing Technoblade needed was to be overwhelmed with emotions.

But everything that happened yesterday was swarming him with negativity, it was hard to keep his cool.

Technoblade had ended up disappointing his brothers once again, it was an endless cycle of fucking things over and hurting people. He almost hurt Tommy’s friend, he disregarded Tommy’s feelings for his own comfort. And from what he overheard with Wilbur and Dream- Wilbur was immensely disappointed in him for not asking him permission to go out first.

He only remembers little bits from the conversation, he had slipped in and out of his nightmare. He couldn’t even tell what his mind had made up or what was reality. Technoblade remembers waking up inside of the house, Dream and Wilbur arguing and Wilbur saying how he was disappointed in him, how these feelings were his punishment.

Maybe Wilbur was right. Maybe the reason his emotions were unbearable was because it was life’s way of punishing him for all the wrongs he’s done. For all the people he’s hurt, things he can never reverse.

His mental wellbeing had taken severe damage from reliving what happened with Phil, the phantom taste of blood still lingers in his mouth a day after the vivid memory, the tickle of feathers on his lips makes him want to itch and itch until pain replaces the sensation. 

But he didn’t want to worry his brothers anymore. The pace of his knife picks up as a sigh leaves his body.

The room grows dark and Technoblade whips his head around to see Tommy enter the room, briefly passing the lamp, which he had put there specifically so he would know if anyone walked in.

“Hey Techno… I- uh, I would like to talk to you…” Tommy shuffles into the room with great hesitance, leaning against the counter and eyeing his hands as they grip around the knife tighter.

“Sure Tommy, what about?” Technoblade forcefully stitches a smile onto his face, eyebrows and ear twitching.

“I just wanted to apologise, for saying those things about you yesterday… I shouldn’t have been so aggressive about it.”

Technoblade lets out a dry laugh, it was the only way to stop himself from snapping at Tommy again. The artificial glee bubbles in his throat as he places the knife down and raises a hand to his forehead. “Don’t apologise, you were right. I was a coward, a horrible brother, I shouldn’t have attacked your friend Tubbo for a mistake I made.”

“It wasn’t your fault! You didn’t make the mistake, Technoblade! You shouldn’t blame yourself or him for what– uh-” The earnestness in his brother's voice causes Technoblade to freeze, a sudden chill rests in his bones as realization settles in the form of ice.

“Tommy… how much do you know?”

Tommy’s breath hitches for a moment, from the reflection of the knife Technoblade watches him as he shuffles on his feet and takes a deep breath.