Coward | 𝒞𝐻𝐸𝒩𝒥𝐼

nine

I betrayed someone.
Now I also felt betrayed.

I don't know where am I exactly and I'm just staring somewhere, spacing out.

Until now, I can't still believe that Chenle is already dead.

My head can't just accept what's happening.

He's dead. He's already dead.

I don't know that he's going to leave us this early. It happened so fast. I didn't even get a chance to say sorry to him.

I want to hurt myself. I want to blame myself. I want to shout because of too much grief.

I lied. He got mad. I followed him. He got into coma state. I wait for him to wake up. He gave up.

I want to turn back the time and change the decision I made of letting him took the blame. I want to turn back the time and don't want to be coward again.

But there's all no point now.

I wasted our friendship. I hate myself so much. I wish I was the one who got into a hit-and-run accident. I wish I'm the one who died and not him. I'm so stupid. I'm such a coward.

I raised my head when I saw Mrs. Zhong standing infront of me. She weakly smiled before handing me a notebook.

I don't know what's that for. That notebook is not mine anyway. I was about to ask her why she's giving me the notebook when she already speak up.

"It's Chenle's diary," She said. Then she continued.

"Your name is mentioned several times there so I assumed that Chenle wrote everything on this notebook while thinking of you. You should keep it."

It caught me off guard so I became speechless.

I don't know that Chenle will waste his time to write my name on his diary.

I felt so special. But why do I made him felt betrayed?

"You didn't like what happened, Jisung. You don't need to blame yourself." Mrs. Zhong said. She tapped my back and genuinely smiled at me.

I should be the one doing that. I should be the one comforting her right now but it went otherwise.

When she already left, I start reading Chenle's diary. I just read the first phrases but my tears already fell down.

'He looks like a nerd guy. He often got bullied.'

'He can't even fight back because of being coward, but why do I still find him cute?'

I continued reading sentence by sentence, phrases by phrases, pages by pages, I softly laugh, smile, and cry. He's been mentioning my name on every pages and it's making me cry.

'I want to protect him from the bullies.'

'Jisung is a nice guy,'

'Is there anything I can do to make him smile?'

'These ugly bullies hurting my friend again. I won't forgive them.'

'I might be kicked out from that school again but I hope that jisung will still reach his dream though I'm not there to cheer for him.'

'I'm happy to meet Jisung, I'm so happy to be his friend.' 

I bursted in tears when I read the last phrases.

My heart has already been breaking into pieces.

I have many regrets.

I wish I could do something to make it right.

***