Coward | 𝒞𝐻𝐸𝒩𝒥𝐼

ten

10 Years later

It's been ten years. Time really flies so fast.

I'm at Chenle's house right now to ask his younger brother, Xiao Lu if he has a free time to drink. And because he can't say no to me, he immediately agreed.

Xiao Lu became my buddy after Chenle died.

I'm five months older than him so he calls me hyung. He looks so much like Chenle so I immediately got attached to him.

He's now an architect, and I'm a doctor.

We already finished drinking five bottles of beer and because I have a low tolerance in alcohol, I know I'm already drunk.

My head hurts, but my heart hurts more.

I want to die.

"You miss him already, right?" Zhong Xiao Lu asked after taking his turn.

My forehead crumpled and raised my head to look at him. I don't know what he's saying.

"Miss? Who would I miss?" I cluelessly asked.

I don't have someone to be missed. Yes, I do miss Munna. but other than my dog, I don't have someone or something to miss.

"You didn't miss my brother?" He asked again.

I prevent myself to laugh and gently punch his shoulder. I don't get him.

"Your brother? Haha! Of course not! I don't miss him. How can I miss him when I can't even remember his name?" I asked.

Maybe Xiao Lu is just kidding.

"You don't remember Qian Kun gege?" He asked pertaining to their eldest sibling. My forehead crumpled even more and took another sip of a beer.

"Qian Kun? Why Qian Kun? I'm pertaining to Zhong Chenle," I explained. Not completely sober.

He smirks.

"Oh, I thought you already forgot his name?" Xiao Lu asked. I can hear his teasing voice.

I pouted and put my chin on the table when he caught me. There's no point in lying. How can I forgot such a beautiful name?

"I miss him so much," I said. Then my heart cracks.

"It's been ten years, but not in a day he didn't appear on my mind. I became coward. I betrayed him. I'm so guilty." I said. 

I hate myself so much.

I felt his hand tapping my shoulder. Maybe he also felt pity towards me.

"Hyung.."

I didn't look at him and just continued. I want to pour out all the guilt I have been bearing for ten years tonight. Just for tonight.

"I want to see him again, Xiao Lu. I want to hug him tight and tell him I'm sorry for being a coward. I didn't even get a chance to say sorry to him when he's still alive.." I drink the beer bottoms up and closed my eyes.

I remembered Chenle's face. 

His expression when he called me moron.

 I felt a sudden pang in my chest so I slammed the table several times using my hand.

"I'm stupid! I'm so, so, stupid!" I shouted.

My tears wont stop from falling.

"Of course I can remember him. I can still remember his handsome face. His eyes, His nose, His lips, it was all nailed in my mind." I added.

I don't even know how to erase it. I badly want to see him again.

Just one more time.

Just one more day.

I just want to say sorry.

Is it really impossible?

I hit my forehead on the table while still crying.

Xiao Lu just stayed there to calm me.
I hope when I open my eyes, I see Chenle again.

I want to see Zhong Chenle again.

***