Secrets and Rendezvous

Chapter 7: Healing and Hearts

After a moment I collect my thoughts and fear occupies my mind. What if I pushed Betty over the edge?! What if she tries to hurt herself because of me?! I quickly get up and rush out the door pulling on my boots, coat and hat as I go. The snow storm has calmed down to a peaceful lul of shimmery white. My breath freezes in the air as I run down the street looking for Betty.

Night covers the earth like a blanket but I feel no comfort as I rush into the Christmas crowd. Women, men and children push past each other on the narrow sidewalk racing to find a warm building with room inside. I couldn't care less about warmth at the moment. I would freeze before I gave up. As I scan the crowd tears of frustration and helplessness beg to fall.

I push through the crowd and lean against the side of a brick building as the tears finally fall. I am suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt and hopelessness. I feel like the Titanic. What was supposed to be strong and unsinkable still sunk, dragging lives down with it. I was sinking and drowning in a sea of people who were happy and oblivious to the pain I was going through. I already dragged Betty down and now it was my turn to drown.

I wipe my eyes and look up through a gap in the crowd towards a bench on the edge of the sidewalk. A girl is sitting on the bench unmoving, her dark curls soaked and dripping with diamonds of ice. I try and call out to her over the crowd but the overwhelming noise of cheer and joy drown out my desperate call. I push myself off the wall and shove my way through the crowd earning myself a few unsavory words from members of the crowd.

Snow and ice cover the ground causing me to slip as I rush towards the recognizable curls. I finally reach the bench and sit down. Betty's eyes are shallow wells, unseeing, her face red from the cold and her lips on the verge of turning blue. Her eyes shine with unshed tears as she drowns in her memories. My throat tightens and my heart aches as I realize that I caused this. I caused her this pain. I truly was the Titanic, drowning the people onboard instead of protecting them like I should have.

As I gently place my hand on her shoulder tears slide down her rosy, frozen cheeks. They shimmer like early morning dew drops on a rose. That's it...her frozen cheeks look like roses and her tears are dew drops. She suddenly blinks, her tears blocking her vision. She seems surprised to find tears running down her face. She looks at my hand resting on her shoulder curiously before looking up, her eyes meeting mine. They aren't the empty shallow wells they were just moments ago, they're now filled with shock, confusion and recognition. Her eyes widen as she takes in my face.

"J-j-Judith?" Her body shivers now, struggling to bring warmth to it's frozen muscles. Her lips are now tinted a light blue as she tries to speak. I place my finger over her mouth indicating to her not to speak. "Your lips are blue, I'm taking you home. Don't speak until you're warm." I stand and flag down a taxi. Or at least try to. After about fifteen minutes I look back at Betty, shivering and staring at me. Frustration settles deep inside as I try again. I finally get one and drag Betty inside the back of the cab. I roughly buckle her in and snap at the driver to turn the heat up and drive.

The cab is silent after I give the cabbie my address. Betty rubs her hands together as the heat reaches her. She starts to shake violently and her teeth chatter. I sit still as stone as I stare out the front window of the cab. The driver curiously glances back at Betty before addressing me. "She alright beautiful?" He inquires with a nasally voice.

I suck on my teeth trying and failing to hold back a snippy remark. "That's none of your damn business. Focus on driving and doing your job. Also don't call me beautiful you old geezer." My words are sharp enough to shut him up but he continues to glance back and forth between Betty and I.

We finally reach my house and I pull us out of the cab after throwing money into the front seat. I pull Betty up the snow covered walk and into the house. I help her with her boots and coat before guiding her to the couch. I grab blankets and toss them on the couch beside her before turning the heat up and boiling some water for tea.

Placing tea cups in their saucers I pour the warm tea and place it on a tray before carrying it to the living room where Betty has bundled herself in blankets. I place the tray on the center table before handing Betty a cup. "Drink this. It will warm you from the inside out." She untucks her hands from under the blankets and grabs her cup. She gulps it down and holds the cup out for more. After pouring her another cup I sit down on the opposite end of the couch with my tea and the poetry book I was reading aloud earlier.

We sit in silence as we focus on warming ourselves. After a while I place the book down and look at Betty who won't meet my eyes. I sigh quietly and reach for her chin in an attempt to make her look in my eyes. I am a believer that eyes are the window to the soul and I need her to see my soul. I need her to understand the complexity of emotions I feel and how my heart and soul are playing tug of war. She smacks my hand away glaring at me.

"Don't touch me." She spits out coldly. Her eyes are filled with rage, hurt and pain. I realize that we are both suffering from complex emotions and that we are both unable to share our feelings. We both fear brutal honesty but tonight we're gonna have to face that fear. Together. No matter what happens.

"Betty...talk to me." I breathe out, speaking gently. She stands up swiftly and turns on me screaming "TALK TO YOU?! I TRIED DOING THAT AND ALL I GOT WAS YOU YELLING AT ME MAKING ME FEEL EVEN MORE LIKE SHIT! ONE MINUTE YOU'RE SAYING YOU LOVE ME AND THE NEXT YOU'RE SHAMING ME FOR NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT MY PAST! THE ONLY THING YOU COULD FOCUS ON WAS HOW I HAD BEEN WITH ANOTHER GIRL! YOU COULDN'T STOP AND THINK HOW THAT PART OF MY LIFE AFFECTED ME! I WAS USED, MENTALLY TORTURED FOR WEEKS AND FINALLY BEAT BY COPS WHO WEREN'T TOLD THE WHOLE DAMN STORY! SO NOW YOU WANNA TALK JUDITH?! NOW YOU'LL LISTEN?!" She's breathing hard and fast her face is red from yelling.

I take a deep breath before speaking. "I messed up royally Betty. I was so focused on my own insecurities that I didn't even think about the damage this event had on you. I should have held you and told you it was okay and that I loved you no matter what. Instead, I caused you to run away from me, I caused you to fall down the rabbit hole and get trapped in your hellish wonderland. I should have listened to you Betty. I should have but I didn't. I can't change how I acted in the past but I can change how I act in the future. I truly do love you Betty and seeing how my words and actions hurt you...I never want to be the cause of your pain. I want to be your joy, your happiness and most of all your love. That's all I want Betty. I want you to be happy and I understand if happiness isn't with me."

Betty looks at me dumbfounded. Her mouth hangs slightly open as she absorbs my words. I think she expected me to scream back again and when I didn't it seemed to shock her. She blinks rapidly before sitting calmly on the couch, facing me. Tears sparkle in her eyes as she reaches for my hand, placing it on her heart. The even beating of her heart calms my heart and soon our hearts are beating in sync.

She stares into my eyes as I reach for her hand and place it on my heart as well. We sit there, feeling the other's heart beat for many minutes. We hold eye contact and in that very moment we have a moment of understanding. In that moment we both understand the complexity of the others soul, of the others feelings and emotions. We finally understand the complexity of our love. We aren't abominations, we aren't wrong. We're beautiful, and in love. And no love, no matter what the world thinks, no matter what the people in the world think, is wrong.

I lean in and lean my forehead against hers, closing my eyes I whisper...

"I love you..."

A/N *ugly sobs* LOVE!