Heloise Holds the Sun ✓

16. astrolabe

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My Astrolabe was born more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Abelard's sister thought I was mad when I declared his name, Astrolabe, the second I held him in my arms. I sat there in ecstasy, filled with more love than I'd ever known, clutching my baby to my chest. I looked in his eyes - his beautiful, blue eyes that were just like his fathers' - and the name slid up my throat without thought. You know what an astrolabe is, don't you? It is an astronomical device that models the universe.

It was the first thing Abelard ever taught me about, and I can still remember... sitting there side-by-side at my desk, turning over this small device in my fingertips. It baffled me. I wanted to know everything about it. I wanted to know how it worked, and what it did. And Abelard just smiled and said, "everything." He told me how an astronomer, over a century ago, had declared the astrolabe to have at least a thousand uses - ranging from the astrological, astronomical, and religious uses to the everyday...

It is still an enigma to me, how something so small could mean so much. How it could tie together every sphere of life - the scientific, the mystical, the religious, the quotidian... It still baffles me, how this one small thing could encompass the universe.

And then I held my baby, and I understood.

I understood that I was not supposed to understand. There are some mysteries we are meant to look upon in awe, not in deduction.

Such was my Astrolabe.

I had come to love my time in Brittany. Abelard's sister was a wonderful mother, and taught me all there was to know about raising a child. She had several of her own, and I delighted in their presence. I had never seen myself as a mother - I had never seen myself devoting my time to anything but my studies - but for the first time, I was putting down my books in preference of playing childish games. I was passing my day not to read and write, but to spend those precious moments with Astrolabe in my arms, uttering his beautiful strings of gibberish. It was all I looked forward to. I would rock him back and forth and sing him every lullaby I knew. I would read him stories, too - not the long-winding philosophical texts I was used to reading, but rather stories filled of princesses and dragons and knights. They seemed greater to me than all the other writings in the world, if they would make him smile. His smile was greater to me than all else: I couldn't get enough.

Astrolabe was my new sun. I lived now only to be in his orbit.

We wrote to Abelard, and he rejoiced. He said he was coming at once.

There was only this one journey, in all of our lives, that we spent together as a family. We rode on horseback, Astrolabe clutched close against my chest. And it was on this long journey back to Paris that Abelard told me the truth of what we would be facing once we arrived at home.

He told me of Fulbert's proposal. He told me that he had accepted it.

"No!" I was quick to spit out. "No, I will not marry you."

Abelard stilled the horse, pulling it by the reins. "You will not marry me?"

"No!" I could not believe it had all been spoken for me - that I had not even been consulted in the matter!

"Do you no longer love me?"

"Don't be silly. It is because I love you that I will not let you risk your reputation."

"Fulbert and I have an agreement..."

"And after Fulbert is no longer canon? You will not be allowed to lecture in any cathedral in France. You will lose everything you have..."

"Not everything," he turned to place both his hands on my cheeks. He knelt down and kissed our son on the forehead. "Please, Heloise. It is the only way..."

I tried to argue, but I eventually leaned into the warmth and steadiness of his palm. I trusted him with my life. If he thought this would best secure our future, I would follow.

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