Heloise Holds the Sun ✓

43. by the fruit not the leaves

"The truly holy person welcomes all that is earthly." – Hildegard of Bingen

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"Astrolabe, my son..."

My Heloise,

"By the fruit, not the leaves, of apples is every man fed / and meaning must be preferred to words..."

I have searched my entire life for hollow husks of words. I have wanted to be known by them. I have wanted my praises sung the world over. I wanted all these words to pile up beneath me and form some kind of podium that could raise me beyond all men - that could raise me closer to heaven. I wanted to be great. Always did a pursuit of greatness burn in me, without knowing what it meant.

"An abundance of words exists where there is not an abundance of meaning, / and it is agreed that one who wanders about multiplies the ways..."

In not knowing, I have been lost. I have been wandering. In pursuing the answers I have only multiplied my questions.

"just like the sun, the wise man remains consistent with himself. / Now here, now there, the blind mind of the fool wanders. / The prudent mind fashions a steady step everywhere..."

You have always known the truth, and it is because of you that I've ever glimpsed it. You were consistent as the sun in your love, but I would not turn to it. I have lived my life among its imitations, flattering myself in thinking I was righteous for it. I turned toward a false heaven when, always, I should have turned toward you. But too blinding was the sight of your truth. I was never strong enough to bare it and, like many, I called my weakness piety.

"Pay attention to the words of teachers, the deeds of the good; / may your breast ever burn with this kind of greed..."

I have lived for myself, thinking I was holy in doing so. I have lived to be great without knowing yet what it meant. I have lived for my name to be stamped in gold - I have lived to reach the golden gates of my reward, even if it meant I reached those gates alone.

I sought to ascend all men and all of earth, and in doing so brought myself only further from God's glory. We are arrogant who think we know the truth.

"... Let not your glory but the Lord's be sought, my son / you will not have lived for yourself, but for others, or rather for God..."

The only life worth living is one lived for others, and one lived for love. I found no happiness in solitude.

You were my greatest happiness. There are no other moments that burn in me now but those spent beside you and beside our son. I have forgotten many things in my old age; but, as I promised, I will not forget your name until I have forgotten my own. Your name rests on my lips with every last breath I take. It is more beautiful to me than all hymns and poems and philosophies which I loved so dearly. Heloise is the final word I wish to speak.

"No-one may be wise through the keenness of great genius: / rather morals and a good life make him so. / In deeds, not in words, does wisdom declare itself; / grace is granted to the good alone..."

The fruits of the greatest minds mean nothing if their foundations are not in the heart. Genius and fame and honour and glory mean nothing if goodness does not precede them. All of it is hollow husks save for the spirit, the light, that animates them. Man is only as great as he is good.

In these final hours, I turn toward the sun I've spent my life facing away from. I thought, in loving you, I would be brought further from God's grace. Yet, in loving you, I believe I have found it. In loving, we know God best. I wish I had known the truth sooner. I wish I had always known God as you knew Him.

I do not care whether I reach the gates of Heaven, now. Men who live their lives only for the selfish rewards of heaven - those who live their lives only to ascend God's Earth - have missed His point. He lives on Earth. He lives in love. I am convinced now that the reward at the end of life is irrelevant if you have known Love within it; to Heaven or Hell or nowhere, I will go now, and will delight no matter where I go that I have known happiness.

But if I do reach His gates, I will stand before Him a proud lover, not a shamed sinner; and I will wait for you there. He will not punish me, I know this now; He will see in me, and delight in my knowing, that my love for you did not condemn me. It saved me.

Take care of our Paraclete, my love. Do not try to leave behind this world as I did - it needs you now more than ever. Do not follow me to the gates yet: shine still on God's Earth with your light. You, my Heloise, hold the sun.

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