Stereo Dreams: A Charlie Jones Love Story

~Chapter 5~

*Warning: contains topics that some readers may find upsetting.*

Emilie's POV

I hurriedly told Skyler that I needed some air and ran out the room. But the truth was I couldn't face Charlie. When he was singing with the boys he only looked at me. It was like he was singing the words to me and he looked like he meant them. Only he couldn't have possibly believed them. I wasn't beautiful. But when he was up on the stage singing and looking to my eyes I could feel something between us. A spark. A connection. But I couldn't feel that way, I reminded myself as I sat down on the old swing set in Skyler's garden. It just wouldn't work. Cause of the way I am. You're probably all thinking, what the hell is this girl on about? What's wrong with her? Why can't she just be with him? Well I'll tell you why...

I self harm.

For as long as I can remember I've been cutting. Just in case you're thinking 'it's probably just for attention' I can assure you it's not. Not a single person knows. Not my parents, not my sister, not Skyler, nobody. I've kept it that way for over a year. And I plan on keeping it that way for ever. I'm not depressed. I don't have anxiety, (although I've had a few panic attacks). I just cut because I deserve it and it helps me when I'm in pain. I know that sounds stupid; how does inflicting more pain on yourself help you cope with pain? Well my brain feels the need to turn emotional pain into physical pain. And I believe that I need to cut because I am an ugly, fat, unloved, stupid and worthless person. I also cope very badly with stress and mean comments. If someone makes a rude comment or remark at school, I can't just forget about it or laugh it off like normal people can. Instead I repeat it over and over again in my head and let it get to me... until I eventually get home and can cut it all out.

If you're wondering how I've kept it hidden so long without anyone noticing, let me tell you; I am a master at hiding my cuts. 90% of my wardrobe is long sleeved and if I absolutely HAVE to wear short sleeves I have many bracelets to cover them. I only cut on my wrists so when getting changed it is thankfully the only place I have to be concerned about. And on the extremely rare occasions anybody does notice, I have a long list of various excuses. "It was just the cat," "I fell over," or even "a window smashed and I got cut trying to fix it."

But anyway that's why I can't be with Charlie. No one would ever want to be with a girl who cuts. No one would ever want to be with me anyway. I just wouldn't be able to go through with a relationship keeping that secret. It would be too risky.

But then again... Who says Charlie would ever have to find out? I've kept it a secret from my friends and family for this long, I can hide it from one more person, right? And he might just be the perfect thing to get me to stop.

I smiled to myself as I made my decision. Why shouldn't I be in a relationship? I really liked Charlie- I stopped my train of thought as I realized that was the first time I'd ever admitted it to myself. Ok, so what's the next step? Oh, right, yeah I need to tell him I like him. The thought instantly made me nervous and made me feel slightly nauseous. What if he didn't like me back? I've only spoken to him once...was that enough to like someone? I guess it was. I just hope he felt the same connection I did when he was singing...

I stand up feeling a lot more relaxed and somewhat content with myself (which is pretty good for me) and I turn around to go back inside and talk to Charlie. Practically in a daze and feeling so much better than I did when I first came outside I almost bumped into the exact person I was going to look for...the one and only, Charlie Jones.

A/N - So you guys finally know the secret...what do you think? As you can probably tell this chapter was particularly hard to write but I really hope you enjoyed it. Would you like the next chapter to be in Emilie's POV or Charlie's? Let me know in the comments. Please comment and vote. Above is another picture of Charlie...just cause...you know...he's beautiful :)

Stay awesome,

Anya xx