Something or Nothing

Alright Dude, go trip over a knife

I used to fantasize about toxic relationships.

*audience stares*

Oh, do blink for Heaven's sake. This is actually pretty common.

*audience relaxes a little but sends me suspicious looks*

When I was younger, probably 15 or 16, I was so in love with cold, dark, mysterious men. Y'know, the emotionally unavailable, the "I wear black and smiling physically pains me" type of guys.

I'd imagine the guy being mean to me and constantly making me cry. I'd imagine him doing the most unforgivable things to me, yet when I try to leave he becomes all sweet and nice again until I agree to give him another chance. I'd imagine this going on for centuries until he finally realizes he needs to change to make me happy. I'd imagine him give me his lovable toxic train of thoughts of "I want to be close to you but I also want to be far away because I don't think its good for you cause I'm a bad person but also I don't wanna be away from you because I love you too much and I'm also very enticed by you and I don't know what's going on but I don't wanna hurt you and you'd be better off without me but also don't leave..."

I thought that shit was cute.

The guys who slept around and didn't care about the feelings of any girl? Yum. They were a thousand times more attractive to me than the ones who did care. You're damaged? Come hither! Let me cradle your head on my chest and change your cold, dark heart.

Cause, God forbid he tries to change himself, without the help of a woman.

Anyway, short story shorter, I ended up dating quite early. I was so ready to be swept off my feet by some bad-boy-turned-sweet because of my 'charm' that I jumped into toxic relationships like a freaking monkey. Cause, y'know, romance. I loved the idea of being a guys 'savior" so to speak. I believed in the overwhelming power of love. Shit, I did that whole "my love can heal you" garbage until... last year was it? Yup, that was last year.

Now when I see movies or books depicting this shit, I'm like, what in the Wattpad hell? No, for real, cause Wattpad romanticizes extremely unhealthy toxic relationships like it's NORMAL or RIGHT or supposed to be every girl's GOAL. There's this overarching theme - in these Bovies fuckery - showing that the thing the devilishly handsome, mean guy needs is someone to give them love, until then they just won't change. Ergo, it's the responsibility of young girls to be the reason why a man becomes a better person, as opposed to him becoming a better person on his own. Like it's our duty to heal a broken man with love, affection, sex, and attention.

Do ya'll understand what I'm saying? This is what we're being sold.

Does anyone remember Strange love? The Indian TV show that was all the rage? Yeah, we couldn't possibly forget the brooding Arnav and sweet Kushi. Remember how he used to mistreat her? Threw her down the balcony of his office? How he hurt her, belittled her, humiliated her, insulted her, and physically abused her? Treated her worse than an animal? In the end, she "changes" him, they fall in love, yidi yadi yada. Ya'll dig that show, dint ya? Thought it was cute and romantic? There you go. That's toxic.

In 50 shades, Christian Grey is very aggressive - mean, controlling, insensitive - he doesn't even have a personality where he can explain things. The only thing he attempts to explain is exactly how he wants to have sex with Ana Steele. "If you were mine you wouldn't be able to walk for a week".

*crickets*

Yeah, er, ok.

Anyway, Grey is the aggressor and Ana has to do whatever he says. And you know the worst part? The movie does more than paint it as part of his personality, it depicts this control as a sign of his affection.

Not only was their relationship highly toxic, but it was also very, very abusive. I mean, this is not the way two people in a relationship should interact with each other. Uh-uh.

It makes me very uncomfortable how these things are depicted as normal in every bloody genre. I mean I get that it makes for an entertaining storyline. Broken guy finds love, he's transformed, etc. But that shit doesn't work in reality, man. Been there, done that. Wanna know why I failed horrifically? Because, news flash - we can't change them. It's not our job to.

The plain, simple truth is, their problems are independent of our love for them.

I mean, sure love conquers all or whatever, but also? Bullshit.

I know I sound so jaded right now but seriously. When you're attracted to the brokenness in people, you attract broken people.

I want healthy people. I want mutual respect and understanding. I want to not be the only caring, fixer-upper in the relationship. I want to not be the only one trying to make it work. I want a guy who isn't a walking toxicity.

So, you know what I'd tell my younger self right now and any other girl out there who has this "he just needs my love" bull-crap mindset?

Get over yourself. Like, yesterday.

AND, if - with any luck - a guy tells you, "we shouldn't be together, I'm a bad person, if you were smart you'd stay away from me." Believe him. Don't find it 'cute' or 'exhilarating'. RUN. They're not lying. They're telling you, you get? It's not safe for you to be in a relationship with this person. Don't think that you can heal them with your love or your sex or your time... RUN. Okay, sweetie? Just run.

Q: Were you also team 'my love can heal you'? How has it been like?

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