What are we? // pansy X oc

chapter eighteen.

Atlas

As we inched closer to Christmas break, Pansy has shut herself down slightly. I ask her if she wants to talk about it but she says that nothing is wrong which I know is a lie. Even though we are really close, there are still things I don't know about her and I don't try to push her to tell me. She'll tell me on her own time, which I accept.

We leave in a week for Christmas break and my parents can't stop talking about how excited they are to meet Pansy. Adrian hasn't really said much about seeing her. All he said was 'I told you that you guys would get together' which I had to correct him. He never answered my question about Audrey, so I'm guessing he doesn't want to talk about it.

I walk through the corridors, my head down, lost in thoughts.

What if Pansy is shutting herself down because she doesn't want me anymore? What if she's becoming distant because I'm just not enough? There are all of these 'What ifs' racing through my mind and I can't seem to rid them.

When I look up from the floor, I find myself in the abandoned part of the castle.

I haven't been here since Pansy had followed me. For the most part, I've gotten over my eating disorder. Pansy never leaves my side and is always next to me before and after meals. It's cute, really.

But this past week, she shows up before anyone else does and then leaves before I even get there. It's like she wants nothing to do with me and it scares me.

As I continue my walk around this side of the castle, ghost Claudia Anderson floats next to me.

Claudia Anderson was a young girl like me when she died. She told me that she had jumped off of the astronomy tower because she was being bullied due to her sexuality. She was in her seventh year and it was the year 1816.

"Hello, Atlas. How are you? You seem..." She paused to think "Stressed?"

I nodded "Hi Claudia. I am stressed" I chuckled "You?"

"The usual. Just floating around and doing nothing" she smiled invisibly. I always thought it was fascinating how ghosts were here but also weren't. "What's stressing you? Is it that girl?" her smile widened. I chuckled once more and nodded. "Whys that?"

"She's distant. I don't know why. As Christmas break approaches, she seems to... fall back I guess." I sigh, clutching my books to my chest. I completely forget about Charms class that I needed to be in at the moment.

"What's her family like?" She asked as she floated along with me walking.

"They don't accept her. Her sexuality that is. She lives with her grandma." I explained, not giving too many details because that's all that I know. I know deep down that there's more to it than just that though.

Claudia turned, floating backward in front of me this time. "Maybe Christmas isn't a time of year that makes her happy. It's supposed to be about family and hers seem to not..." She stops to think.

"Love her" I blurt "They seem to not love her." I bow my head at the word love.

"Yes. That's how my parents were. She'll come along. You just have to give her time." Her see-through eyes look into mine as her lips upturn into another smile.

"Thank you" I nod, smiling back to the ghost.

"Anytime. Now I must go but just talk to her. Remind her you're there" And with that, Claudia disappeared into the wall next to us.

I walked a little further, not caring about anything. I would just stop by Pansy's dorm after dinner. I know that it's a bad idea to skip dinner and potions, but I just needed some alone time I guess.

I found a bench by a window and I sat down, watching the snowflakes fall onto the glass and slowly dissolve. It was calming.

I rested my head on the wall and slowly fell asleep, not intending to.

***

Pansy

As I walk back to my dorm by myself, I can't help but think of what Atlas is doing. She was in potions and when I last saw Daphne, she said that she didn't even go to Charms or dinner. I was worried, yes. But I was also glad that I wasn't around her.

I can slowly feel myself falling into my fear and the more that I let it happen, the scarier it becomes.

After I had gotten to my dorm and showered, I laid on my bed looking up at the ceiling.

What I'm doing to Atlas isn't right and I shouldn't be distancing myself from her, but it's what my whole being is telling me to do. It's telling me to back away from her.

You're getting attached.

She's going to up and leave you.

She's really only in it for the sex.

She doesn't think of you the way you want her to.

You need to leave her.

She's going to break you.

Just like mum and dad.

I hit the side of my head as tears fall down the sides of my face. I sit up and attempt to rub my temples to get my mind to calm down and to have the thoughts leave me.

I know that Atlas won't hurt me and I know she's not in it for just the sex. Deep down I know that. But it's hard for me to believe.

A quiet knock comes from the door and it cracks slightly. Quickly, I wipe away any sign of crying from my face as Atlas peeks her head in and smiles.

"Hi," She whispers, slowly stepping in making sure it's okay as I open my arms for her and lay back down.

She kicks off her shoes and climbs into bed with me, wrapping her arms around my torso. I feel her head shift and look down at her to see she's looking at me.

"I'm always here." She smiles gently " And I'll wait. Just know, I'm here." Her head picks itself up as she kisses my jaw, laying her head back on my chest.

I run my fingers in her hair, as I think to myself.

I know. It's just hard to believe it.