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The conversation between the brothers was tedious. As always, it was six of one and half a dozen of the other. All the while, of course, Hvitserk remained silent. He always seemed to do exactly that, always keeping out of these arguments. But this time, something was different. I could see him thinking, thinking about what he should do next, thinking about the situation that Ubbe had just got them both into with his recklessness.
I didn't say anything, simply sitting beside Ivar and agreeing with most of what he had to say. He was right. They had made a bad call. They had gotten themselves into this mess and they could've gotten themselves killed. Not to mention how weak they had made us look. But I didn't chime in, I didn't add to the laughter or the snide remarks that echoed throughout the room. Instead, I was silent. And I watched as Ubbe's annoyance at his youngest brother grew - and as Hvitserk stared at the floor, as though he was contemplating his entire existence. Perhaps he was. All his life, he and Ubbe had been the inseparable ones. I'd watched as he followed his older brother, both of them closer than anyone else I'd ever known. But what had he followed Ubbe into this time? It seemed his older brother's golden age was drawing to a close, meanwhile Ivar's had only just begun. We could all see it.
Ivar was beloved by the Gods. And Hvitserk was going to have to make a decision.
I was brought back from my pondering as Ubbe rose to his feet, explaining to his younger brother that he was going to leave if he kept behaving like this - only for Ivar to, of course, call his bluff, telling him just to go if he felt that way. The both of them were too stubborn, and I suppose I understood that all too well, and it wasn't long before the two older Ragnarssons had both left - Hvitserk looking behind him at Ivar and I as he followed Ubbe out the door.
"Do you think they'll leave?" I asked, looking back towards Ivar with a small frown. It hadn't escaped my notice that Ubbe had said "we" will leave, meaning both him and Hvitserk - as if he knew his little brothers mind without even asking him.
"I don't care." Ivar answered, folding his arms as he areas at the door that they'd both left out of. But his attention soon turned to me, catching my green eyes with an accusatory expression. "What about you?" He questioned calmly, a small hint of venom that told me he was now directing his paranoia towards me. "Will you leave with them?"
Would I? It was a valid question. Everyone knew my loyalties were with Hvitserk.
But hadn't I always done what was best for my people? Regardless of all else? And right now, following Hvitserk did not seem the wisest course of action. My head kept telling me not to, that it would be a mistake, that all of this was a mistake and I was going to get myself killed. But my heart had other plans.
Without another word, I left, Ivar staring behind me as I rushed out of the door to try and find them both. It only took one look from me for Ubbe to leave, looking between Hvitserk and I, patting his brother on the shoulder, and disappearing from my war path.
Before Hvitserk had even fully realised what was going on, my anger had gotten the better of me again.
"What on earth were you thinking?" I all but yelled, making his gaze meet mine. He hadn't looked me in the eye once since he'd returned, and I suppose we both knew why that was. "Are you trying to get yourself killed? Because I could kill you myself right now!"
"Calm down, Gwen." He answered, only making me all the angrier, as he attempted to say his piece. I wasn't sure what had infuriated me the most - the fact that he'd put himself in such great danger or the fact that he'd gone behind my back to do it.
"Calm down?" I roared back, just about ready to punch him when he quickly caught my arm - narrowly dodging my attacks. For a moment, I struggled - part of me still wanting to kill him - until finally my anger subsided. We both knew I wasn't really angry with him, how could I ever be? I'd learned, for so long, to mask my every emotion with unfaltering rage. But this wasn't rage, and the truth of it made me feel sick. I wasn't angry, I was afraid. Finally, tears began to well inside my cold green gaze, my pain leaking out. It seemed that once I had brought my walls down, there was no simple way of putting them back up. And Hvitserk had a funny way of making me feel emotions that I never thought I'd feel. "Calm down?" I spoke in more of a whisper, voice cracking. "You could've died! I could've lost you."
Without another word, Hvitserk gently embraced me, wrapping his arms around me as though nothing could ever hurt me so long as he was there. As if he was my shield from all the pain and suffering in this cruel world. A shield that I sorely needed.
"You're not going to lose me." He answered, waiting as I slowly began to calm down again. "I promise."
"You shouldn't make promises that you can't keep." I dried my eyes, pulling away to look him in the eye once again. "Not when you and Ubbe are leaving tomorrow."
I could tell instantly, without even having to use my magic, that Hvitserk wasn't so sure about the declaration that his older brother had made. He was having doubts, and it was as plain as day on his face. But the question was, who was he staying for? Himself? Ivar? Me?
"If I left with Ubbe, what would you do?" He asked, taking a hold of my hand and searching for some kind of clue in my cold stare. "Would you come with me?"
All I could do was freeze. Every second of this blasted situation was agony. It was as if falling in love was tearing me apart. I had to fight against everything I thought I knew, everything I'd given my life to. Was it worth it? I certainly hoped so. "That wasn't the plan." I answered, pulling away nervously. This was all so much. "Hvitserk, I've already taken so much risk following you and your brothers. I-"
I could see the way he was looking at me, as if it was tearing him apart, as if I was breaking his heart. But what was I meant to say? It had all happened all at once. I'd made vows, vows of honour, that I wouldn't leave. I still had a kingdom to think about, one that I refused to put at the mercy of Ivar when he undoubtedly won this war. But it wasn't just that. I was weak, I was afraid, in a way that I had never been before in my life. In a way that it was impossible to grow used to.
"I don't know." I whispered, feeling the pain that coursed through his chest as I spoke those final words. I wasn't sure why I was so scared, but I knew that there was no way that I could go with Ubbe. It wasn't my fate. And, in truth, I didn't believe that it was his either.
With that, I turned and left - leaving Hvitserk speechless and in pain in my wake. Maybe this was for the best. All I did was hurt people. How long until I hurt him too? Or worse yet, how long until I got him killed?
With Hvitserk gone, perhaps it was for the best that I simply returned home and forgot that any of this ever happened. I just needed to move forwards. Forget. Maybe I could become cold again.
But something told me that there was no going back now. I couldn't just forget this. I couldn't just forget him.
