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Poison. Poison was a good plan. They'd never suspect it. So many plants could kill and there was little they could do. No one could prove it was me. Yellow jasmine, perhaps. Arsenic? Cyanide? I could find berries in the mountains that kill almost instantly. And just like that, my problems would all be solved. No more Ragnarssons, nothing to worry about.
I walked over to the window to grab my cloak, stopping when I saw them outside. Hvitserk and Ubbe were stood together laughing. They seemed happy. And when I looked at them, my cold heart melted slightly. The harsh soul that resided in my body felt weak, weak in a way that I loathed utterly. They were both so kind to me. Kind in a way that few had ever been. The idea of hurting either of them, particularly Hvitserk, seemed to repulse me. And I hated it. I hated that I couldn't bring myself to disposing of them. Had it been anyone else, I would've done it in a heartbeat.
The world saw me as a heartless monster. I wished to be nothing more, to never give in to my emotions or empathy again. And yet, here I was. Giving in again.
Hvitserk saw me in the window, both of us making eye contact for a moment. Quickly, I backed away from the window and sat back against the wall. But it was too late, too late to dry my tears and regain my composure. He'd already seen me, and it was only a few moments before I heard a knock on the door and his concerned voice.
It was sweet, truly. He knew my reputation, he knew that I was a monster. And yet, without hesitation, he always seemed to come to my aid. I wished that I'd had someone like him before, many years before. Perhaps I would've been a better person now, a far less broken person now.
As I sat there, contemplating whether to answer or not, my voice spoke without my mind catching up. "Yes?" I answered through tears, looking up at the door as light seeped into the room. Hvitserk looked at me, a hunched ball in the corner of the room, and frowned. His eyes were kind, they always had been, and sometimes I couldn't help but get lost in them.
"What happened?" He asked gently, his voice without judgement. "Was it another nightmare?"
I shook my head, staring into a middle distance as I avoided further eye contact in the fear that he would see too much within my green eyes. "You wouldn't understand." I responded surlyly, hoping to push him away.
Of course, my attempt failed as he walked closer, taking a seat beside me with his back against the wall. "Maybe not." He tried again, catching my gaze. "But you don't have to be alone."
When I looked at him, I felt a way that I couldn't even describe. It was a feeling that I'd never felt before in my life, a magnetic feeling. Like destiny. "I saw it." I whispered through my tears. "I saw the future, what is going to happen." My heartbeat began to steady. "Pain, war, death. My death."
"That's not going to happen." He spoke flatly, dismissing my warning and taking my hand. "I won't let you die."
As soon as I touched his hand, another vision came over me. A different one. It came in a flash, barely giving me enough time to take it all in. But I saw it nonetheless. There he was, as clear as day, holding onto me with tears running down his face, mixing with blood and mud. I could feel his hand on my cheek, I could hear my shallow breaths and the sound of swords clashing. A single raven flew overhead, and then I was brought back oncemore.
Quickly, I snatched my hand away and stared at him in shock. My heart pounded in my chest, and Hvitserk could tell instantly that I'd seen more.
"What happened?" He questioned, still trying to help me. But what was I meant to say? The closer we became, the closer I came to my death. It had to be a warning, a warning that I must avoid him. And yet, despite the terrifying vision, I never felt afraid. In every vision, I felt peace. I felt contentment. I felt joy. Joy that I'd not felt in so long. Even though I could see my own death, it was the first time in over a decade that I'd felt alive. Truly alive.
Slowly and steadily, I reached out to hold onto his hand again, looking up to meet his gaze. I didn't know what I was doing, whether I should listen to these warnings or not. But this, this singular moment, felt right somehow.
"Hvitserk?" I whispered, shaking slightly as I spoke. He nodded, waiting for what I was about to say, but I could see the anticipation in his eyes. As I slowly drew closer to him, my nerves intensified, my body freezing as I didn't know what to do. I'd never been in such a situation before, never felt such feelings. And for a moment, I considered all the things that had stopped me from ever loving in the past. I was the kiss of death. Everyone I cared about died.
As if he could read my mind, Hvitserk moved closer, wiping away one of my stray tears. "It's alright." He assured me, watching as I looked up at him with an almost terrified gaze. And, with that final reassurance, I was ready to close the gap between us. I was ready to feel something else, something other than the pain that resided in my heart. When our lips met, it felt like world's collided. If a moment could last forever, I would've made it do just that. I wished I could stay there, with him, forever. Because for once in my life, I felt safe. For once in my life, I didn't feel so alone.
I was talking to my friends about Vikings today and I said that if Hvitserk dies, I won't be able to cope and my English teacher heard me and I think she now thinks there's something wrong with me but oh well. -Rhiannon
