hearts formed by solicitude and desolation

⌈ 25 ⌋

ᏞᎾᎪᎠᏆNᏩ . . . . .

ᏞᎾᎪᎠᏆNᏩ ᏟᎾᎷᏢᏞᎬᎢᎬ!

it was the moments that your mind came up blank that you hated the most.

it was an unsettling feeling, mainly because you were almost always constantly reading into everything you encountered. the people in your life, the numerous possible scenarios sure to happen within making a single choice. it put you at ease, knowing what was going to happen so you could prepare yourself for the outcome.

maybe then you'd see the unfortunate things brought into your life, right?

so in that moment, with pain shooting through your arm up to your shoulder and the stumble of your legs as you continued to gasp out for breath, you couldn't help but let the discouragement wash over your body until you were drowning in the feeling. it was so frustrating being unsure of what to do. you had already tried racking your brain for an answer on how to join kuina and yasushi at the other side, a solution that'd make your legs pump faster than what they were capable of. but, you couldn't.

and you hated yourself for that.

'how useless.' the thought had already entered your mind before you could stop it, and it scared you. scared you at how eerily it sounded like something the woman you called your mother would say. if she were here would she be yelling at you? or would she not even care enough to spare a simple glance in your direction, opting to leave you behind?

you couldn't understand why out of all the things to occupy your mind these were the thoughts to have settled. it had been years since you last saw your mother, and months since you had spoken to her. you had long moved past the miserable childhood you had to endure because of her. so why was it when your life was on the line she was what you imagined?

was this what people meant when they'd reflect upon the way they've lived?

did it mean it really was the end?

faintly you could hear shouts ring through your ears, dispersing the fog that had clouded your mind enough to listen. through the haziness of your vision you could see kuina, distraught expression written onto her face at the sight of you struggling to stand up straight. the walls, which were still moving, pushed you towards the center where you were leaning against it, and with the rubble hitting your arm you brought a hand up to hold it, praying that the throbbing would ebb away.

but seeing kuina and yasushi there and remembering how chishiya was still alive in this world, you realized something important. despite your struggle and how much you longed to just allow your body to rest, you couldn't. not necessarily because you feared their failure if you were to die in the middle of the game, emotional turmoil sure to take a roll on their ability to successfully clear the venue. rather, it was your own emotions, your own desires of wanting more time with them. chishiya, who you wished to return to your regular life with in the real world. kuina, who you had only just met, and in such terrible circumstances too. what would it be like to actually go to a shopping center with her? without the fear of those scarce minutes alone being your last?

you shook your head, not only to rid of the rubble falling in your eyes but to recollect your scrambled thoughts. you just started this game, you wanted to come here. this decision was of your own free will, a step towards growing in the direction that you hoped for.

'let's see how far you're willing to push yourself to succeed!'

so despite the struggle, the difficulty breathing and the numbness of your limbs you continued onward, even if it was just slow, stumbling steps unable to compete against the rate at which the walls were moving. for years your family had belittled you into believing that you were worth nothing, that you could never compare to the things your sister had achieved and was capable of doing with her life. she had made sure to drill the idea into your mind, and sometimes you'd believe her.