Lethal

Chapter Twenty-One.

My resolve was wavering, and no amount of work could distract me from that fact. I knew that I could be a crazy bitch, something that Jibri had to remind me when I started to freak out on him and this was undoubtedly another one of my crazy, impulsive moments. He continued to send me flowers every morning, with different love notes attached each time and I felt even crazier for ignoring him. After all, who else could I find to love and protect me like he did? Who would have the patience for a crazy bitch like me? Jibri was special, an angel and something as small as a kiss from his best friend couldn't be enough to break us. So why did I let it? Why was I so crazy? He probably didn't even want me anymore, especially after the way that I'd treated him.

"Yo! Are you here with me right now?" My new client Athena's voice broke me from my reverie as I refocused my attention on her.

She stood in front of me as a seamstress patiently waited for us. "I like the silhouette; it could be a bit more formfitting though. What do you think?"

"I don't know about this one Zana." She appraised herself in the mirror. "It's a bit out there."

Her reaction was expected, so I pulled up a few of her previous looks. "Okay, the goal is never to make you uncomfortable so let's see what you've done in the past." I scrolled through photos of outfits that she'd worn.

"No, no." Athena groaned as she looked at her outfit again. "My label brought you onto my team because they think I'm too vanilla. I need to do what they want or they'll drop me."

My mind drifted to Jibri once again, I missed him so much. Despite how difficult it was, I tried to focus on Athena. "I remember why they hired me, however I'm not about to dress you in a way that makes you uncomfortable." I thought about a way to please everyone involved. "Can you tell me what parts of this dress make you feel the most unlike yourself?"

It took hours to reimagine Athena's look, but we managed to do it. I found a way to preserve her modesty while making her outfits interesting; she was sure to grab the attention of a few blogs at her next scheduled event. At the end of my longest consultation to date, Athena and I shook hands, and I went in search of a distraction. I texted Jericho to see what he was up to and gladly accepted his invitation to chill at his place; after everything that happened, I hadn't gotten a chance to tell him and Mari about the breakup. I was sulking on Jericho's couch within the hour, as he finished up some work on his computer. While I waited for him to finish, I looked through my phone, though my mind lingered on Jibri. No matter what I did, I couldn't shake the thoughts of him- I couldn't help but wonder what he was up to or if he was feeling as low as I did.

"Aight, I'm done with work for the day; what's up with you?" Jericho asked as he shut off his laptop. "You've been ghosting us for a week and that's very unlike you Za."

My shoulders sagged, unsure how much I should say. "Jibri and I broke up." Tears pricked at my eyes, "He kissed his best friend, or ex-girlfriend- I don't know what to call them anymore. It was a mistake."

"What was a mistake Za? Him kissing ole girl or you two breaking up?" Jericho's eyebrows knitted together in concern.

The question was straight forward, but for some reason I faltered on answering. What he'd done was wrong, but Jibri was remorseful from the start. Was it enough to throw away everything that we had? "I don't know right now Rico, all I know is that I miss him."

"Zana..." Jericho hugged me as tears began to fall, "Nah, don't cry. It's okay to miss him, but you're going to have to figure out if being with him is worth all of this."

At his words, my heart sank to depths which had been previously unknown. My feelings had become a jumbled mess of half-answered questions and all-consuming emotions; I was sad, angry, hurt- but most of all, I was still in love. In love with Jibri, the way he made my heart sing, the way that he seemed to know me inside and out and the way that he always took care of me. "No one will ever love me like he does." I sighed, Jibri had reminded me of the fact so often that I could sometimes hear his voice in my head repeating the statement on a loop. "You make it sound to simple Rico, but I'm a crazy bitch! Who else is going to put up with me?"

"Dead that talk immediately, where is this coming from?" Jericho lightly shook me. "You don't talk like this Zana; I've seen you in some shitty situations, but you've always been confident." His eyebrows knitted together in concern. "What the fuck has this man been saying to you?"

My tears flowed freely as I tried to speak, but all I could do was cry. Seemingly understanding that he wouldn't be able to get anything more from me on the subject, Jericho tried his best to comfort me as I cried. Sometime between crying my eyes out and incoherently babbling, I fell asleep on Jericho's couch. When I woke a few hours later, Mari had arrived, and she and Jericho were speaking in hushed tones at the entryway of the living room. I couldn't quite make out what they were saying from my position, but it was obvious that they were talking about me. It wasn't the first or last time that I'd slept on Jericho's couch, in fact the current situation reminded me of the day that I'd met him four years before.

Just thinking about my relationship with Jericho made it easier to understand Jibri and Yanise; I didn't know what I would do without my best friend. I had never thought of Jericho as anything more than a brother figure, though Jibri had said the same thing about Yanise and still found a way to kiss her- but maybe that was all there was to it. Perhaps jealously had clouded my judgement when I should've just trusted Jibri; I shook those thoughts away, though I believed them more with every instant that they arrived in my mind. But why? Was it the truth, or would I believe whatever I had to in order to have Jibri with me again?

"You're awake." Mari startled me as she took a seat beside me on the couch. The look on her face told me everything that I needed to know, all I could see there was pure worry.

I sighed sadly, "Awake, yes. Alive? Undetermined." I rested my head on her shoulder and welcomed her comforting warmth. "I'm so sad Mari." My throat burned as I attempted to stave off the tears, I didn't want to cry anymore.

"Zana, this isn't healthy." Mari stroked my head as she spoke. "This comes from a place of unconditional love babe, but I do not like the effect that he has on you."

She was right, in a way. "He only has this effect because I've never loved someone so deeply before." I sighed once more, feeling emotionally exhausted. "I just need some time."

"Time heals all wounds, but the mind plays an important role in that healing as well; you can't heal if you're still holding the weapon to the wound." Mari hugged me as best she could in our position. "Me and Rico will be here for you, no matter what. And I'm sure that your sister is concerned about you too."

I nodded, biting my lip to suppress the tears, "I just feel so empty without him."

"But you're not- just remember that you're still you without Jibri." Mari told me.

Easier said than done, especially when I couldn't remember who I was without my angel.