a renegade; W2S

4

*TALIA MAR'S POV*

"Since when was she back?" Freya asks me, then darting her eyes to the leaving Hélille. I don't look at her as she walks away. There's a tinge of regret I have from the conversation, but she deserves it. "Earth to Talia!"

"Today, apparently," I say absentmindedly, while looking down at my menu. I can barely read what it says on each line, my brain is blurring them.

"I swear to god. Do not let her back in your life," Freya says assertively, but also with an inflection of caring. She pressed her hand on top of mine and I appreciate the sentiment, but my mind is wandering.

"Don't you believe in second chances?" I ask Freya, who rolls her eyes.

"Look, Talia. She had so many chances to get back in contact with you. Before you were even famous, I was stood behind the door I heard the story about how she 'found you'. Please, I bet she's stalking you now you're doing so much better for yourself than she is," Freya laughs slightly. I try to see the humour but my smile is weak. I just keep on getting the feeling I'm letting go of something I shouldn't.

It's true I texted her probably almost a thousand times, called maybe even more. I haven't attempted to in over a year, I gave up. After 5 years, if they ever wanted to talk to you, you realise they probably would.

What if it is destiny though? What if our paths were meant to cross here in this little coffee shop? I know Freya can tell I'm in an ocean of thoughts so she doesn't speak but instead starts up a conversation with the waitress.

I have never had a best friend like Hélille since. Sure, I love Freya to no end and Gee. And Simon of course. But never someone who I feel like I relate to on a spiritual level, like we're two parts of the same soul.

I was and still am the grounded one. All I've ever wanted is here in England and my music. And however selfishly I tried to keep her grounded here with me, like kind of booking the last seat on the plane to Melbourne once, I realised I just couldn't. She was a dangerously free spirit. A non-committal whirlwind.

But I thought even if she did leave the nest, and venture far where she'd find her soul and reason, I'd still be there to bring her up from her lows and soar with her highs. But no, she didn't need or want me. She left a hole in my heart no friend has ever been able to replace.

"Let's leave," Freya says, grabbing my hand. "We're going out tonight, remember?"

-

"Are you okay, Talia?" Simon asks me as I sit on his bed, and have been for a few minutes, not really talking or moving.  I can hear the concern in his voice.

"I'm fine, let's go," I sigh and he wraps his arm around my shoulders. This is one reason I love him so much, he never presses an issue no matter how stubborn he might be. I know I'll have to tell him eventually, but it can wait.

We leave the flat and I text Freya telling her we're on our way. It takes what seems like years to get to the club. Every time Hélille comes up in my mind, I try to shut it out, try to enjoy tonight.

"Talia!!!" Gee screams at me as we enter. And she embraces me and I hug back timidly. She seems already slightly too drunk to tell that I'm off. "I'll get us some shots!"

Simon says he spots where our friends, well mainly his friends are. Yes, they're my friends too. But deeply I know I probably wouldn't hang out with most of them if it wasn't for Simon.

"Yo, Talia, my g," JJ says and I slightly cringe but still hug him. He seems like an infectious ball of energy tonight, maybe that could take away any focus on me.

I smile at everyone else and hug a few, not Freya since I was literally with her a few hours before. As I smile at Harry, I see how weakly he smiles back. And as soon as Gee gets back, I tug her and Freya away.

"What's up with Harry?" I ask them, well practically shout at them. I pull back my head and drain the contents of two shots quickfire.

"Go on gurlllll," Gee giggles, maybe a bit too drunk for questions now. She leaves after a minute or so, another shot down, claiming she needs to see 'Chippy'.

"So, Freya what is up with Harry?" I ask her, and she takes a big breath in.

"He's still a bit caught up on Katie. I don't think he's used to being alone. I don't think we'll see Katie again, which is kind of sad but it's definitely best for Harry," Freya says and I nod my head in agreement. "Let's go back now. I can't be bothered to be pestered with questions from Simon later if you told me what's wrong."

I guess he's already asked freya if I told her anything, which is kind of cute. But I really don't want him involved in it at all.

-

What's the time?
Everything is spinning in here. Too loud. Too many bodies. I don't want to be here anymore. Too warm.

I leave the club and a rush of something comes over me. I see a girl that looks exactly like Hélille from behind. I call to her. She looks back. No. Not Hélille.

I miss her so much. Basically my sister. Hélille, why did you leave? Why are you back? Please stay this time. Or leave before I ever see you again.

Suddenly, I'm transported into all those memories. They're so blurry and beautiful. A little golden and worn but so warm and vivid.

There Hélille is, the first time we got drunk. Her mum yelling at her. Me hiding scared. God, I was so young.

When I first got my heartbroken, there she is. She punched him in the face. He cried. I laughed through the tears.

All the parties, all the deep chats, all the bickering about little things and the laughing at people we didn't like. And I wish to god I was there. Not crying on the floor outside the back of a club.

I know where I have to go. Our bench. Our little bench overlooking London. The bench where we talked about our dreams like we could draw them in a scrapbook and they'd come true. It's not far away.

I stumble there. The night is still pitch black and I hope no one's following me. I reach the park somehow and see the bench there. No one's there. I wish so deeply she would be there, look at me as I come over and let me cry in her arms.

But she never comes or stays, she only goes. I sit on the bench, staring out. Everything is blurry and my heads still spinning. I should go back. I can't stay here. What am I doing here?

I get up. I close my eyes and take in the biggest breath, feeling like my heart might explode.

"Talia?"