a renegade; W2S

3

Whatever force has brought me back to London, it isn't a force that has any pre-planning. As soon as I step out of the airport, I have virtually nowhere to go. I have no friends left here in London who's places I can stay at until I figure all my shit out. I have fallen in deep; I kinda love it.

I leave Heathrow, turning back once more to look at it, like it's some sort of string I need to cut before I leave. I see myself here those six years ago, basically sprinting with joy to leave the UK. I was so clueless in the best kind of way. I still feel that person in me, I just know now I couldn't find it where I thought it might be.

Talia saw me off that day, and she had tears in her eyes and one of those bittersweet smiles that pierces your heart looking back on it. My heart sinks when I remember I didn't even hug her goodbye, I was so ready to leave and abandon everything here. It wasn't like it was even awful, I had loving parents and I was good at school, I even had a close circle of girls. But I still left, and I can never decide if I regret it or not.

I call an Uber to get to the city of London. I still have enough money for that and maybe a few stays in a cheap hotel.

-

London hasn't really changed since I'd left. Everything still feels as vibrant, there is still an outpouring of culture on every street. The only thing different is me. But it would be hard to see my change in the crowd I am trudging through. That's one thing I don't miss.

I slip into a coffee shop, desperate to get away from the herd. It felt as though I was about to be stood on at any moment.

The shop is quaint, family-owned and decorated like someone truly cares about it. There's a fireplace in the corner, one I guess won't be lit until summer's over. Even the waitresses have that sort of bespoke glow around them, it's everything I remember the little nooks of London having.

I sit down at a table, pulling my suitcase beside me and then underneath the table's oaken legs. I look around a bit more, and someone catches my eye in the corner. I can only see the back of their light blonde head, but it seems painfully familiar.

"What can I get you?" The jovial waitress asks me, bringing me out of my trance. I shake my head and widen my eyes slightly and then look at the menu. "Just a coffee?"

I nod. And she leaves. My attention drifts back over to the corner, to the girl sat there. Why does she look so familiar?

Maybe everyone in London would seem familiar. Maybe I had been away so long that people here had started to look the same . But this feels different. And luckily, if they aren't familiar, I have the toilet beside them as a quick alibi.

I walk over to her, she's on her phone and she doesn't look up. So I start to open the toilet door and suddenly she lifts her face. And in those few moments we meet eyes, I swear time stops. I swear no one walks past outside and I swear there's no one else here apart from us two.

"Hélille?" She asks me, her mouth almost on the floor from shock. I nod my head slowly and her eyes light up like fireworks are going on behind her pupils. "W-when did you get back?"

"Today," I reply to her and she doesn't gesture me to sit, but she doesn't tell me to get up as I sit down in front of her.

"Hélille you can't just come back and expect everything to be the same," Talia says, clenching her jaw gently. And my heart sinks slightly, I know things can't be the same but deep down I wish so deeply they could.

"I know. I'm so sorry. I sent you a DM. Your video showed up on my recommended," I say to her and she looks down at her menu again.

"You came back because I had a YouTube channel? Hélille I know you use people but even that is low," Talia says, her voice cold and her lips barely moving. She doesn't even lift her eyes to meet my shocked ones.

I can't retort. From her perspective, it probably looks like I've used her. Like she was just some stepping stone on my journey. And it's unfair to deny it to her, when there is truth to it.

"How are you?" I ask her, my voice shaking slightly. I can almost see the cogs whirring in her brain.

"How am I? Hélille, I'm fine. As I was when you left and never talked to me again, and as I'll be when you leave now and never talk to me again," she says, raising her voice slightly. I know this Talia façade well, the 'I don't care' one. But I never thought I'd be on the receiving end of it.

"Talia, I-," the toilet door opens and out steps a girl with Sandy blond hair. And she eyes me with confusion then her face falls when I see recognition.

"She's just leaving," Talia says, not moving an inch. She's referring to me. And it hurts. But I know I hurt her more.

I stand up, nodding my head and biting my lip to stop me from crying. As I move from out of the booth, the other girl sits down in front of Talia and I hear the beginning of their conversation as I walk away.