a renegade; W2S

16

"R-R-ROLLERCOASTER I DON'T SAY NO!" I belt out while getting ready with the girls. My playlist is on and I'm having the time of my goddamn life as that Bleachers song plays.

"Why are you actually good at singing?" Gee says in shock.

"I used to write songs, where do you think Talia got her talent from?" I say nudging Talia as she's applying foundation, she gives me a death glare but I just laugh.

"This party better be good, like English good, not some American shit," I say into the mirror and the girls nod.

Freya seems to have acclimatised to me, maybe even started to like me. I feel like a part of this group despite only having joined like 2 days ago.

"How do you not have jet lag?" Talia asks me and I just shrug my head. I have no idea either. "Anyways, girls this is wingwoman night. We are getting Hélille a man, just for the night."

I roll my eyes but oblige. There will be some attractive boys there for sure, but I just wish it is Harry they could pair me up with.

After around an hour, we are all ready to go to the party. The sun is starting to set, casting a pink and orange spell over all of L.A. It's mystical.

We get the taxi to the house Colby told us to go to. It's big, it must be expensive as fuck. I bet a shack here in L.A is around half a million dollars.

I can already hear the noise and music as we step out of the taxi. It gets me fucking buzzed to party again, any hangover from yesterday disappears in a haze of lust to get fucked.

I knock on the door because all of the other girls are too scared to. I guess it also is me who was invited, so I let it slide.

Colby answers the door, smiles in that white boy head nod kind of way and gestures for us to come in. The house is packed, there's at least 50+ people here.

And as we walk in, we command the air of the party. All eyes are on us girls, particularly me and Talia, who look like a duo dressed for fashion heaven.

Knowing you're attractive as fuck under the male gaze is a strange thing. Sometimes you want that attention, crave it just to feel some kind of validation but other times it repulses you to see their eyes sneak down your body, avoiding your beautiful eyes. This time is the latter.

I want to leave, want to run upstairs, cover myself in a blanket and then see if their eyes burn me down like that still. But instead I just gulp.

"You look amazing," Colby tells me and I smile in response. I wonder if he is expecting me to compliment him back as he just stands there swirling his drink in his hand.

I don't want any of these people here. I don't want any of them to undress me with beer-stained breath and hungry eyes. I don't want any of their hands to slide up the sides of my thighs, begging me to let them in, let them have what they want most. I'd just be a trophy to them of their drunken exploits.

I want kissing in the rain under streetlights, legs dangling off the top of an abandoned dam holding hands and gazing out to the ocean by the fire we made on a sandy beach , wondering where it all went right.

I realise I'm standing there, not moving, not speaking. It only makes more eyes fall onto me like a waterfall of the sharpest knives.

The only resolution I have is the drinks I see scattered on the bar table. And I make my way towards them.

I pour myself a vodka and lemonade, probably around 4 shots worth. I chug it like it's some kind of healing potion. And it kind of works, the horrible taste takes my mind away from everything. And the drink will completely separate my mind from any of those thoughts.

"Jesus, how fucked are you trying to get?" A boy with blonde hair says to me. I smile wryly at him, not replying. "Are you mute?"

"Are you braindead?" I say back to him, pouring myself yet another vodka and lemonade. I couldn't be bothered with this small talk. My social hourglass had already ran out before I even stepped through this door.

"Do you even want to talk to me at all?" He says.

"It's a little early for the guilt tripping man," I say absently.

"How am I guilt-tripping you? You definitely don't even know what that means," he says and I just roll my eyes.

"Sorry, my prince," I say winking and smiling. I might as well have my fun with this.

"So what's your name?" He says, scratching his neck.

"Gee," I say, laughing in my head.

"My name's Jack," he replies without me even asking.

"You're quite persistent, wanna make out?" I say, bored of this conversation so I might as well get it over quickly.

"Well, fuck yeah," he says looking like he's about to cheer. I object from vomiting all over him.

I lean in and he does too with that lifeless boy face they do when making out. We are the only ones in the bar for some reason, everyone else is outside, so at least no one knows this happened.

The kiss is about as interesting as staring at a newspaper without writing on it. I can't wait until it's over. He kisses like I imagine a dog would.

Finally, it's over and he's smiling. I keep my face as if it's cardboard. Uninterested and unamused. He doesn't care or notice though and he leaves, jolly as anybody.

At this moment, Colby comes up to the bar.

"Yo, Hélille, how are you?" He says, as if we actually know each other.

"Skip this," I say. "Where's an abandoned place near here we can go? I'm much more in the mood for that than a party."

"Well, I mean I agree, but don't you want to tell all your friends that you're thinking of leaving?" He says pointing outside to Talia, Freya, Becky, Gee and Mia.

"No, let's go. Just us two," I say, pulling him by the hem of his shirt closer to me. "You better know a good fucking place."