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TW: Very graphic descriptions, self harm, mentions of suicide
JIYEON WAS NEVER AFRAID OF THE MONSTERS UNDER HER BED, NOR THE ONES IN HER WARDROBE. For she knew they did not exist. The only monster that existed in this world was herself.
Walking down the busy road, Jiyeon saw the cars whizzing past her. Unconsciously, Jiyeon took a few steps closer to the road. A part of her wouldn't mind being hit ━ no, Jiyeon would not mind getting hit, as long as it killed her. But Jiyeon couldn't do that to another human; the trauma she would give another person if she jumped in front of a car. If she did, then she would only prove to herself that she was more of a monster than she had thought.
'Hey, watch it━!' A hand wrapped itself around her elbow, pulling her away from the cars. 'You could get hit and get injured.'
Staring at the cars, Jiyeon muttered, 'then I'd beg it to drive faster next time.'
Jiyeon was only met with silence. Scoffing, she ripped her elbow from his grasp, not once sparing him a glance, the bag of ramyeon rustling with the sudden movement.
She shook her head before looking straight ahead, not bothering to say another word. Her steps were quick as she walked away from him, her mind slowly filling itself with frustration.
'Wait! Come on, let's talk.'
Jiyeon stopped dead in her tracks, her shoulders dropping at his voice. Sweet and honey-like, similar to a voice she heard before. It would be impossible for her to recognise him ━ especially when she wasn't particularly interested.
'About what?' Jiyeon replied, not turning around to face him.
'Well, uhm━ perhaps why you were about to walk out in front of a car?'
A breathless chuckle left her lips. 'That's none of your business.'
'Do you want to die?'
A sharp piercing pain cut through her heart as soon as he asked her that question. His voice sounded so sincere, so genuine ━ almost as if he cared about her.
'What's in it for you?'
'Because I don't want you to go.'
Another scoff. 'You don't know me.'
'Then let me get to know you...'
Jiyeon slowly shook her head. 'Screw yourself.'
'Are you always this rude?' he asked.
'Yeah,' she answered.
It was there Jiyeon turned around, eyes meeting those familiar doe ones she saw yesterday. With her breath leaving her lungs for a split second, she inhaled a sharp breath. Of course, it had to be him.
She waited a few seconds, waiting for him to respond. When he didn't, Jiyeon gave him a knowing chuckle before continuing to walk down the road.
Her steps were slow, almost as if her feet were too heavy to carry so she had to drag them. And she did, everything was heavy. Every step, every breath, every small moment felt heavy; as if someone had drenched her in water, pulling her down towards the ground. Each step she took only made her dread the next one a lot more.
Opening the door to her apartment, Jiyeon trudged inside and slammed the door shut. Dropping the bag on the floor, her first instinct was to go to the bathroom, and Jiyeon trusted her instincts more than anything.
How she found herself in her bathroom again was not something Jiyeon understood. Perhaps it was because the only relief she got was when she was standing above the sink, a blade in her hand while her wrist was bleeding.
It felt overwhelming, all too overwhelming.
To feel pain meant that she was alive and in every fucked-up way, she could release .
Jiyeon unwrapped the bandage from her wrist, glancing with curiosity at her fresh wounds.
It was one of those days. One of those days when her emotions were harder to control. On other days Jiyeon felt numb, but on some special days she felt too much ━ a burden, bound by chains of anxiety.
Jiyeon walked over to the bin and stared at it for a good few minutes. For her, the time not only moved slowly, but her own body also did.
With a sigh, she dropped the bloody bandage in the bin before closing it, slowly trudging towards her mirror again.
Dark circles under her eyes, pale skin, dark hair ━ she looked like a walking corpse.
She hated it, Jiyeon hated every second of it. She hated waking up in the morning just to hate herself, she hated looking at her own reflection, knowing that she was looking straight at a failure.
There was nothing for her in this world.
A heavy sigh left Jiyeon's lips as her bony hand opened one of the many drawers. Her fingers traced the silver blade before wrapping themselves around it. She gripped it hard in her hard, unconsciously slicing through the skin of her palm, but her mind was too caught up to notice. Her teeth clenched together while a tear finally escaped, quickly running down her cheek until it came to the end of her jawline.
The pain was the only thing she could control. The soft caress of the sharp blade, blinding her eyes as she pressed it against her skin. Small beads of red seeped through, they fell down her arm; falling onto the sink like leaves during autumn.
The air was beginning to feel thick, heavy and filled with the stench of blood.
The sound of the blade hitting the bottom of the sink filled her ears. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped onto the edges, blood pouring out from the wound that only seemed to grow bigger the harder her grip turned.
She pressed the blade against her skin once more. Seeing it skate across her skin as new droplets formed.
Jiyeon debated whether she should just end herself right there and now. But what was the point? She was in control; she was relaxed and calm ━ was her end really going to be that peaceful?
But what had she ever done to deserve such a peaceful end?
