𝗯𝘆 𝗺𝘆 𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲. . . lee heeseung ✔

fifteen

[ . . . ]

HEESEUNG HAD BROUGHT HER TO A HILL. A goddamn hill. To be fair, there was a basket and a blanket on that hill.

Cute.

Not really.

No one had ever put that time and effort into her before. While she wasn't in the right state to take it to heart, she appreciated his kindness. He had done a lot for her. Unfortunately, Jiyeon wouldn't be there to repay him. Perhaps in another life.

The stars twinkled down at them, whispering the words of the divine. A song, pleasant to the ears, one that made Jiyeon wish she could fly. It was a welcoming sight, beckoning her to join them.

A tug on her heart brought her back to Earth.

'Are you okay?'

Was she okay?

'Yes.'

No.

'That's new,' Heeseung commented. 'What makes you "okay" then?'

You.

She shrugged. 'I don't know.'

Lying was never something that was hard for Jiyeon.

'Well. . . when you know you're free to tell me.'

'If I don't die before that. . .'

'You won't.'

Confidence dripped off Heeseung's words.

'Oh, don't be silly, Heeseung. You and I both know I won't make it past twenty.'

'You can always hope. . .'

Jiyeon propped herself up on her elbows and looked at him. 'I don't want to.'

'Why not? Why don't you want to let yourself live, Jiyeon? Are you not happy here with me?'

It was as if someone had ripped her tongue out of her mouth, making it impossible for her to form any words. His question cut through her heart, sharp as a knife. Why didn't she let herself live?

Why did she not let herself see past her own feelings, why did she let herself be blinded by the monsters inside of her? She knew that past them was a place where she could be happy. Yet, there was one thing she was wondering, one thing that she simply couldn't let go of.

'I don't know, Heeseung,' Jiyeon answered truthfully.

'You know, Jiyeon. . . If you keep living then sometime in the future, you'll find happiness.'

'And If I don't, I've found peace.'

'Peace will come to you eventually, it'll come to all of us.'

'But happiness won't. . . Is that what you were going to say?'

He smiled. 'You know me better than I thought.'

Jiyeon arched an eyebrow at him. 'How come?'

'I didn't think you'd care,' Heeseung shrugged.

'I do care.'

'Really?'

'Don't flatter yourself too much.'

With a heavy sigh, she turned her attention to the night sky, not able to face Heeseung. Heaven's black had painted the sky, stretching across the infinite until it reached the horizon. They were watching her, such auspices species, twinkling and blinking down at her. Such a comforting feeling to just stare into the oblivion.

'And what about you?'

'What about me?'

'What's your story?' Heeseung softly asked, nodding towards her.

'I don't know. My mother left my father and me. My father turned to alcohol but he tried his best for me until he couldn't take it anymore. So he killed himself and now I'm in such a hellhole that suicide is the best option for me.'

'Is it?'

'Yes.'

'Then why haven't you done it yet? Why haven't you killed yourself?'

That question hit as hard as a punch to the face. Her heart stopped beating for a moment, breath disappearing from her lungs. He was right. Why hadn't she done it sooner?

'Jiyeon. . .' his voice was soft. 'Do you really want to die Jiyeon?'

Did she really want to die?

Closing her eyes, Jiyeon repeated his words over and over in her head. Why hadn't she done it? Why, why, why?

Tears gathered in the corner of her eyes. His question bringing out an emotion that Jiyeon didn't know how to suppress.

She did not actually want to die, did she? Jiyeon only wanted peace. She knew she could find it on Earth too but the hope had left her grasp a long time ago, now, it was only an old friend. Memories of that friend filled the corners of her mind before slowly running past her fingertips like sand, only grains of it staying in her palm.

Deserted, Jiyeon was left alone to flounder in her own tears.

It had gotten to the point where her own tears were her demise. Filling her lungs until they were screaming in burning agony, until she was sputtering and choking, until her world only became a grey blur of what it once was.

Until sinking was her only choice.

There was a difference between wanting and needing.

But what did Jiyeon want? And what did she need?

Did Jiyeon need to die? No. Did she want to die. . ?

No.

Then what? Death was her only comfort. Who would she turn to? Who would she look up to? Who would she smile to? Who was going to wrap their arms around her?

Heeseung?

Could it really be that simple ━ it almost sounded too good to be true.

He was doing it now, with his arms wrapped around her shaking body. His voice whispered the words of angels in hopes of bringing her comfort.

'I'm here.'

He was here with her.

Jiyeon wasn't alone anymore. 

[ . . . ]