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TW: mentions of choking and death
JIYEON WAS AFRAID.
There was a reason why she pushed her friends away. It was never that Jiyeon didn't deserve friends. She didn't care about her own self-worth. If they wanted to be friends with her, then that was their choice, not something Jiyeon could change.
Her friends had wanted to help her, but Jiyeon didn't want help. They couldn't help her anyway, all they did was talk and talk. They were good people, just not fit for Jiyeon. The problem ﹙depression﹚ rested within herself, thus her friends could never be the solution to her problems.
The thing that made Heeseung different from her former friends was that Heeseung had seen her during her worst times. He had seen her when she was beyond her breaking point, when she had made peace with the fact that she was going to die.
He had held her in his arms when she broke down there on the bridge, when she cried and wailed. It gave him a different perspective of her, made him understand her in a way that her former friends could never achieve.
With the cigarette in her hands, Jiyeon leaned back in her chair. The air seemed warmer this time, could've been the fact that the smoke she exhaled was filled with toxins, or that the sun was standing tall and proud high up in the sky.
In a few days, Jiyeon would be there too. High up in the blue expanse, far away from anyone's grasp. Only up there, could Jiyeon be free. And the only way to achieve it was, death.
Jiyeon thought she was a strange person.
Her mind wanted to die, yet it was trapped inside a body that was built to survive.
It wasn't always like that. As an infant, Jiyeon was happy. She had a twin brother ━ Jisung. Unfortunately, Jisung died as an infant after choking to death on his plushie. He had managed to rip it apart, then proceeded to eat some parts of it.
Her mother blamed her. Jiyeon could never really fathom why she was the one getting the blame, but she did and that caused a rift in the remaining family. Her parents filled the divorce papers when Jiyeon was three and Jiyeon continued to live with her father from then on.
She had always been her father's little girl. He adored Jiyeon to bits and pieces, however, a part of him could never get over the death of his son and the loss of his wife. Depression soon claimed his life, just like it would claim Jiyeon's.
Looking down at her phone, she noticed that Heeseung had texted her. They exchanged numbers the other day, not because Jiyeon wanted to but because Heeseung wanted some way to keep track of her.
She could not deny that he made her feel something. Something that was positive.
But she was also wary of it.
She knew people wanted to live longer for there was happiness in this world for them. If Jiyeon found happiness then the chances of her wanting to continue living only increased. She couldn't let that happen.
She had come so far. She couldn't possibly back down now.
She had too many scars on her body, too many nightmares.
'You know smoking isn't good for you?' Heeseung's voice caught her attention.
Removing the cigarette from her mouth, she looked in Heeseung's direction before blowing the grey smoke out towards him.
Jiyeon clicked her tongue. 'Neither is depression, but here we are.'
Heeseung couldn't help but let out an amused chuckle.
'Smoking can kill you.'
Jiyeon watched as he put his elbows against the railing. He leaned back against it, a small smirk playing on his lips while he looked at her.
'Then tell it to kill me faster because I'm growing impatient.'
Another chuckle. 'In a few days, I'm leaving for Jeju island.'
'How fun?'
'Would be more fun if you came with me,' Heeseung said, his shoulders lifting into an effortless shrug.
'Erm. . .' Jiyeon uttered, not sure how she was supposed to respond to that.
'Come on, Jiyeon. Maybe you'll find a reason to keep on living.'
Jiyeon scoffed. 'Or I'll accidentally fall off the plane and drown.'
'That's not possible,' Heeseung said, shaking his head in the process.
'Unfortunately, it isn't,' Jiyeon drawled before placing the cigarette in her mouth.
She inhaled the grey smoke, feeling it run down her throat. The familiar sensation causing a wave of calmness and tranquillity to run through her. Probably the nicotine doing its work, either way, it felt nice and Jiyeon liked nice.
She leaned back into her chair and closed her eyes, letting herself feel and enjoy the moment.
'Will you come with me?' Heeseung spoke up, pulling Jiyeon out of her moment.
'What makes it better than staying here?'
Heeseung let out a small sigh. 'See it as a way to explore something new before you go.'
