Different Now

The Party

My grades our dropping, and so is my attendance. Not at school but mentally. I'm just gone. Things would be easier if I would just...

"Hey ik things have been weird but Jen is having a party you should come," that's what Seth's text said. 

I know I should have stayed home, but I can't just sit and look at my stack of books. Boring books that mean nothing now. The information in there is useless in my situation. My mom thinks other wise. She thinks my grades suck, and I have no excuse. So, I snuck out away from her and all the useless information that can't help.

The night sky felt so good. I felt free from everything until I realized where I was going, and before I knew it I was there. It was tame from the outside until you went through the door. The flashing lights didn't shine through the thick curtains. The sound didn't come through the walls. The tension you could feel from a mile down the street. It was caused by me.

Seth greeted me first. "Hey! Meg I knew you would show up," he said as he put his arm around me. I tensed up. "Where's the bathroom?" I am such a chicken. He pointed to a hall and I ran down it. I sat and cried inside my head. I couldn't cry here. Why did I come? I came because I thought it would be better loosen up. I left the bathroom and did what I came to do. Loosen up. I walked back to Seth.

"So, why'd you come Meg?"

"I just thought it would be fun."

"Oh yeah. This will be fun, but it doesn't seem like you," he said smirking. Why I have no idea. "It's me. It is definitely me," I smiled and awkwardly danced to the song that was playing. "Go talk to people and I'll get us some drinks," Seth walked off to get drinks and I didn't move. I didn't move until the space got crowded and I moved to the living room. I wasn't risking one of those people talking to me. So much for loosening up.

He was right I thought. This was not me. I watched two kids make out on the couch and felt really awkward. My social anxiety started to kick in. "Get a room Craig," someone in the crowd said. It was some tall girl in a mini skirt. She sat down beside the couple and flirted with this Craig. I snapped my head around I didn't understand. How can he sit and let her do that? He was just kissing this pretty girl, and now he is flirting with someone else with his girlfriend beside him. I saw the pretty girl walk away from the corner of my eye. He yelled something in her direction and looked back at the girl in the mini skirt. I could not watch this craziness.

"Interested in Craig," Seth said handing me a cup. I shook my head no taking a sip. "Good." Seth wrapped he arms around me making me drop my drink. He backed me up against the wall kissing me. I have no words. I kept stiff. I didn't like it but I didn't hate it. "Relax," he whispered. I stopped him. "Relax. How can I relax."

He held my hand, and led me down a hall. We got in a back room and he sat me down. "What's wrong Meg?" Seth unzipped my jacket leaving me in a tank top, and ripped jeans. "You say you can't relax but you are away from those people. Your with me Meg."

"I know," I said and that's the part that scared me. He put his hand on my back kissing me again. I leaned back. "Just show me. Who are you Meg? I know you and your not scared. Are you?" I was scared, but I would never admit it. "No I'm not," I said trying to make myself believe it. This time I made the move. I felt his hands to under my tank top, and started to freak. I didn't though I didn't freak. Instead I just pretend it wasn't happening. After what seemed like forever I felt my phone vibrate. He didn't. Instead he just kept kissing me. I started to have a panic attack, even though nothing "bad" was happening. My phone vibrated again. I punched him in the stomach. I stood up wide eyed like a deer in headlights. Why did I do that? I heard the door handle wiggle.

I opened the window and jumped out leaving Seth in pain. I began walking and realized I left my jacket there. "What happened back there," I asked myself. After a few minutes I saw headlights behind me. A car started to slow down as it reached me. I walked faster. The car went faster. After, punching Seth I felt stronger like a super hero. A super hero that feels sorry for all the scum she defeats. So with all my new found strength I turned around and yelled at the car. "Why are you following me! Go back to your low life!" Someone rolled down the window and I melted. "Why are you acting like this? Now get in," Seth told me. I looked at him and told him he can't tell me what to do as a climbed in the back seat beside him.

My super strength was gone. I was me again. "I had a panic attick." He looked at me "I know." I realized I didn't even check my phone. As he put his hand on my leg I thought it can wait. I looked in his eyes and wasn't afraid. I don't know why I acted so weird. I was nervous and afraid of change. Now I wasn't. I laughed. We made out in the back seat till we reached my house. I said thanks to his friend for driving me, and climbed up to my room.

Wow, it would be easy for someone to sneak into my room. I looked at the clock and realized I had only been gone for forty minutes. I checked my phone. It was just junk emails. I laughed at myself. I overreact for that. Those forty minutes had been the worst and most confusing forty minutes. Then, I punch someone for junk mail. I went to sleep feeling like an idiot and didn't wake up till 12:00.

I texted Seth and told him my mom was away to come over. He did and I realized he never forgot. I realized I didn't care.