Dazushi/Dazatsu One-shots

Burden.

TE: self harm, mentions of suicide, self hatred

"Hey daz..." Atsushi gently gripped dazais hand, they were in dazais room. "Yes hun?" "Why do you love me" atsushis voice slightly cracked like when you're trying to keep in tears. "Atsu...I love you because you're amazing and talented. And the best person in my life" "but I get in the way, the port mafia is always after us because of m..me" his voice cracked again. "Atsushi calm down" "I'm just a burden they're all right! All I ever do is cause problems. The world would be better without me-" "Atsushi. Look at me. Right now. Listen." Atsushi nodded and looked up with, now, tears in his eyes. "I'm looking..." "don't think like that. It's not a good road to go down....trust me on that...if anything happens to you I'd..you already know what I'd do. I want you alive..i need you alive." Atsushi stared quietly. "You really don't wanna start thinking things like...you'll just end up like me...and I don't want that for you. You still have a chance to live a happy life so take it." "Daz- you have a chance to-" "I never had a chance. But this isn't about me right now." Atsushi put his head on dazais chest. "It'll be okay atsu. You're not a burden."

A few weeks went by and atsushi didn't feel much better. If anything he felt worse.
"Dazy...I don't wanna bother you with my problems you have your own to deal with" "you're important atsushi." Atsushi started down at the ground, knowing Dazai would freak out if he knew how bad atsushis mental health was. "I'm really not" the tears started to fall the second those words left his mouth. He tried to stop crying but that just seemed to make it worse. He wasn't gonna tell Dazai how bad he felt about himself, or what he'd been doing. "Atsu. Calm down it's okay" Atsushi gripped onto dazais shirt and started crying even more. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry I get in the way so much. Go deal with your own problems. I don't belong here or anywhere." "Hey hey...shh it's okay atsu. You can tell me everything I'm here to listen...so what's wrong?" "I can't." Dazai stayed quite for a second. "You can't..? What?" "I can't. I just can't. Anything. I can't handle it. I can't. I'm tired...mentally and physically and emotionally tired. I can't, I feel so fucking drained." Dazai hugged the smaller boy tightly "you can. You can do it, okay? It'll get better, I know you're tired I'm tired to but crying and moping won't help you" "take you're own advice dazy" "I'm working on that..." they both stayed silent for a bit. "I'm tired of working, of getting up, of putting effort into everyday things....I'm tired of even anymore breathing Dazai..." Dazai seems slightly panicked. "Hey! Heyheyheyhey atsushi. Atsushi look at me! I want you alive. I need you alive. I know it seems selfish but please stay alive.." "I..." Atsushi started choking on his words. "It's not like I was gonna try to kill myself..." "good! You better not!" "..." "atsu?" "Yeah- sorry- I got lost in my thoughts. Can we please change subjects now." Dazai nods slowly. "I love you atsushi. You know that right?" "Y-yeah...you tell me everyday" those were the exact words atsushi needed to hear. I. Love. You. Those three sweet words were the only thing keeping him somewhat together and Dazai knew that, and he told him everyday. "I love you to Dazai...." Atsushi smiled a bit.

They stayed there in silence for a good half n hour before atsushi got up. "I'm gonna go now-" "atsu, before you. Come back for a sec" Atsushi walked back over to him. Dazai sighed heavily "oh boy...this isn't an easy conversation for eitehr of us" "what-" "atsu are you cutting yourself?" "What no-!? Why would you think that?" "You smell like blood, you've started wearing long sleeves 24/7. You flinch sometimes when I touch you're arms." "Uhm-" "look atsushi- I'm not mad I'm just worried, and before you ask how I noticed...I care about you I'm always worried about these things. Plus I know how people try and hide it...from...experiences.." they both stayed silent, atsushi just climbed onto Dazais lap and staretd crying. "Im sorry dazy...I just...I just needed to feel something other than being numb and sad all the fucking time-" "I know atsu..." Dazai sighed heavily "did you do it cuz I do it?" "No. I always tell you to stop. I just...wanted to feel better." "Baby...thats not gonna help-" "i...I know...I'm sorry Dazai..." "how deep did you go?" "Not that deep-" "let me see" atsushi rolled up one of hid sleeves, showing a few cuts. "Atsu...please stop while its easier to..please. the more you do this the harder it is to stop" atsushi nods slowly. "Can I go now." "Alright, but I'm taking anything sharp out of you're room." "I don't trust you with it either-" "I'm gonna leave it all with the others" "alright.."