A Christmas Carol with Kaiba

Hungry, Jolly, Christmas Present

He fell asleep without meaning to. There had been the intention in his mind to get up and do the scouring of his bedroom for holographic projectors he had been meaning to since the beginning of this crazy, hallucinogenic night, but then he was waking up to boisterous laughter. He didn't bother to see what time it was. The itching of his eyes and the phenomenal desire to kill told him well enough.

His bedroom door cracked against the wall with the force of Seto's fury.

"What the hell--"

Whatever he had been about to say got sucked away into the huge cornucopia, spilling fruit of every kind onto the hallway floor. A small table had been set against the wall, and on top of it was a delicious, old fashion American feast, with turkey, ham, homemade bread, beans--

And sitting at it all, with another cornucopia slipping vegetables at his feet, was none other than Joey Wheeler, with his nose in a comic book.

"Oh man," he was saying through peels of laughter, "whoever said Catwoman didn' have a sense o' humor never looked away from dat ass! Oh flipp'n man! Hoo!"

One of his hands strayed from the comic to a chicken leg in front of him and reeled it back into his mouth. Seto didn't have to check to know they were alone in the hall, and furiously planned to fire ever single made and security man on staff for this invasion. Maybe he could understand someone on the Terminator level sneaking it, but the mutt?

"Wheeler," he growled.

Joey looked up, cheeks bursting with chicken like a hamster's. "'ey, Kaiba. 'Bout time. Nice jammies, by the way."

"Stop spewing food all over my carpet and tell me how the hell someone like you got into my house."

Joey snorted, a remarkable feat seeing he also swallowed at the same time. "Like you'd believe me. Let's just say I'mma freak'n ninja and move on. We're short on time here." Joey whipped out his arms as though giving a grand presentation. "Lord Moneybags, I'm the--"

"Ghost of Christmas Present." said Seto distastefully. He had just noticed what Wheeler was wearing: rich, red robes trimmed with glinting gold and green holly. Besides the fact it was almost nauseatingly holiday rich, it didn't suit his sorry white trash face and messy blond hair.

"Did you have to sell everything you owned to get those clothes? Can't say you have good taste."

"Shut yer trap, or I might just change my mind and leave you to rot in hell like yer old man, I'm not as nice as Yug, see."

"Like a mutt like you'd have any say in how my afterlife goes."

Joey threw down his chicken leg. "Again with the mutt insults. I'll have you know I wouldn't've even agreed to this job if it weren't for the food, even if I won't be remembr'n any of this after wards. If it weren't for the fact I love yer litt'l brother ta death, I'd say good riddance and dance on your grave."

"Like you'd even be able to afford that."

Joey bared his teeth, but closed his eyes and took a deep breath of air. Setting down his Catwoman comic book, he pushed back his chair and stood. He didn't bothering opening his eyes or responding till he stood in the middle of the hall, away from the table of food and cornucopias. Then, when he did, he forced on a smile and hooked his hands onto his hips.

"I'm here to share with you the Christmas of the here and now. The importance of the Christmas of today is because it is the greatest gift we will ever have and it gives us the chance to appreciate the family, friends, and blessings we do have. The present is a gift of gratitude."

Seto rolled his eyes and crossed his arm. "That was easy, then. I'm thankful for my nice big house, high IQ, and the balls to make any man ashamed. Good night and good bye, I'll be seeing your mutt face never."

"Oh what the freak, that's it, come here you--"

"Like you could ever--"

But Joey's fist had already made contact with his jaw without Seto ever realizing that he had reached him. He had just comprehended the pain when another fist went into his gut, leaving him blinking at the ceiling and wondering what in the world ever happened to his black belt.

Joey appeared in his view, tacky gold and red robes and all.

"And dat's another reason why I took this job." he said smugly. "I got more than enough ghostly juice to beat your rich ass. Yer com'n with me, Kaiba."

Right as Seto found his breath to tell Joey to do something very undignifying to himself in very choice words, the dog had his forearm and was yanking him up and up and up into a brilliant gold sun that had suddenly come into being on his ceiling. The smells of the feast vanished to be replaced by the cold, clean scent of snow and air.