A Christmas Carol with Kaiba

A Lost Love

This time the room blurred around them. The last thing Seto saw was his past self, clinging to the homemade dragon card, before a much different scene materialized around him. He recognized the conference room on the top floor of Kaiba Corps's Headquarters instantly. Large ceiling to floor windows lined two walls, displaying the spread of Domino city like a glittering map of circuitry and computer hardware. The nearby skyscrapers seemed to serve as a silver and yellow framing to the city view. Buffet tables lined one wall, filled with all manner of exotic treats, and gorgeous eight foot tall trees stood in every corner, their decorations glittering like jewels and the dresses of old queens.

In the middle of the room, inter spaced with small tables, were finely dressed people, most with glasses of champagne and their eyes glinting in the light of the small, but fine chandelier just above their heads. Dozens of conversations created a soft murmur over the crowd.

"Wow, are all your get togethers this fancy?" asked Yugi.

But Seto ignored him. Instead his eyes had zoomed in on one person in particular. He remembered her, alright, and he instantly knew what was in store for him in this memory. However, he kept it at the back of his mind, just as he always had, refusing to acknowledge it.

The woman in question stood against one of the windows, looking out at the city with, what he knew to be, sparkling sky blue eyes framed by thick lashes. Her silver hair reached her down to her knees, but for tonight she had twisted it all up into a messy pile on top of her hair that dripped soft curls across her bare, snow-like shoulders. The blue dress she wore only served to accent the curves that asked to be held, to be grabbed onto, even in his dreams he had to be on guard not to do just that.

"She's gorgeous."

Seto looked to the side to see that Yugi had followed his gaze and also saw the slender woman on her own next to the window.

"Do you know her name?" he asked.

"Kisara."

Though, just as he said it, his own voice echoed it back to him, and he watched as himself, only a year younger, approached the beautiful girl. She turned around, and for the first time Seto noticed how her face softened to a warm expression, as though she could embrace him with the look in her eyes and the curve of her smile.

He drew back. He didn't want to watch him. It took Yugi a minute or so to realize Seto wasn't with him anymore. The conversation just a bit a ways had caught him up, and when he finally looked back to see Seto against the far wall and out of earshot, his face had colored. He trotted up to him, white robe flouncing along with him.

"Oh my gosh, Kaiba."

"Shut up."

"You had a girl! That girl freaking loves you!"

"I said shut up."

"And even while—oh my gosh, I didn't know you could even say things like that."

"Yugi Muto, if you don't shut up this instant I will find you when all this is over and tear out that stupid hair do of yours."

Yugi's eyes got big, even bigger than they usually were. He looked positively chibi. He didn't look scared, though, rather he looked surprised or concerned, but pressed his lips shut and turned around. After a few minutes, the other Seto and Kisara wandered out of the conference room, close enough to brush hands once in a while, but otherwise keeping their distance. Seto watched himself, never realizing how obvious he had looked, nor how the people behind him watched him, whispering to himself. It made his shame grow.

And how could he have missed that stupid look on his face?

Yugi moved to follow them, looking back at Seto specifically.

"I don't want to go."

"This is the last one. You just need to see this and we'll be done."

"I don't need to."

"Apparently, you do." Yugi frowned. "It's okay, Seto. Nothing's going to happen to you. All of this has already happened. You can't do anything."

Then Seto found himself unwillingly moving one foot in front of the other, slipping through the door, down the hall and turning to an empty storage room for chairs and tables where he knew he would be. His mind must have been disconnected from his body, because even when Yugi peered around the ajar door and jumped back, face red as a beet, he found he didn't care and kept moving to plant his feet inside the doorway.

His past self had Kisara wrapped in his arms and melded against his body in that most natural way that only a man and a woman can achieve. She had her arms wrapped about his neck, pale hands buried into his hair, and was kissing him for all she was worth. Even as his other self proceeded to ran his hands down her back and hold her all the more tighter, he felt numb. He could even spy Yugi watching from behind him and couldn't care.

Kisara pulled back from him, breathless. He noticed smears of lipstick on his other self's mouth and a bright eyed, hungry look to his face he didn't like.

"I love you," she breathed. "God, Seto, I love you so much."

He heard himself catch his breath.

"Please, stay with me. I'll do whatever you ask, just stay with me."

"You don't have to say that." he said.

Her eyes fluttered closed as he leaned down to kiss her once more.

And then suddenly Seto could remember, just as clearly as if he were in his other self's place right then. He remembered how it felt to have another human being against him, not just a woman, for the first time in over a decade. The warmth had been bliss, her smell had overwhelmed him. He had worked with her for months now, knew her loyalty, knew her fire, knew the way she pulled up her leg on the nearest chair or desk leg whenever she was getting irritated, or the way she loaded her coffee up with so much cream it almost stopped being a beverage and became more like sugary milk.

Yugi was waiting for him out in the hall, face still red.

"You loved her." he said quietly, as though worried about scaring the taller man away.

"Yes." said Seto dully.

"Where is she now?"

"I don't know."

"Did something happen?"

"No." said Seto, closing his eyes tight. "That's exactly why."

Yugi didn't ask, and even if he had, Seto wouldn't have heard him. He tried to focus on the dark of his eyelids rather than the memories, but they rushed through without a care for his efforts to ignore them. He had promised to meet her the next morning for coffee. She had kissed him until he started to remember that he had guests to attend to and lipstick to clean off his face and neck.

Then, he had gone home, fell asleep, and chosen to forget all about her when he woke up. He didn't meet her for coffee. He transferred her to a different department, one that was far away from him so their paths would never cross, and she never tried to get a hold of him again. In fact, a month later, he was handed a report with a letter of her resignation.

It had been conscious decision, and an unconscious one at the same time. He had simply come to his senses and realized it would never work between him and her, if not because of himself, then because of his enemies. Loving others only served as a weakness to be used against you. Having a little brother had been almost more than he could handle, and his brother coming of age had finally been the stress relief he had been longing for. He had even justified pushing Mokuba out of his mind by stating that he had used enough of his time and energy keeping him alive that he deserved just a bit of a break to focus purely on his work.

Kisara would have been too much. She would have been his undoing.

But he had promised.

And now, watching from a distance and revisiting the look on her eyes, the feel of her kisses, her plea for him to stay with her, something awful was unleashed inside him. He almost couldn't believe that this was just emotional pain, for it felt as though his organs were intent on peeling apart from each other and tearing themselves to pieces. How could this be clinically possible?

When he opened his eyes he was back in his room, staring at the moonlight through his open window and hugging his chest as though afraid it would burst.