moonlight [ quackity ]

chapter 10 || searching

(a/n) 10 chapters special!! this is the longest one so far and i feel like my writing is way better in this than usual :] lots of filler but ... not gonna say anything else ... can't wait for y'alls reactions !!
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i jolted upright from my sleep, chest heaving.  i listened to the silence as my breathing interrupted it. i smacked my lips together, collecting myself.

i put my face into my palms, my own breath hitting me back. tilting my head back, i heard white noise engulfing the silence, followed by muffled static.

i suddenly remembered i had fallen asleep on call with alex. i looked over to see if it was still on, and sure enough, the static was just him twisting around in his sleep. i tilted my head, trying to grasp shape of the picture in front of me. i was able to make out his face and prominent features. he looked so peaceful and blissed while he slept.

i caught myself softy smiling at it. my eyes traced along what i could see of his lips and freckles, everything looking so much smoother on this camera.

it had been like this for the past three days. it was almost exactly like this before facetiming. our nightly calls became routine, staying up extreme hours tonight just to get little bits of conversation in with each other. sometimes the topics were serious, and others we were able to just goof around or play video games.

i picked up my phone and opened up my notes app again. i had so many things i wanted to say that i knew i never could. this stupid little app in my phone was the perfect place for everything. just for me. nobody needs to know.

i opened up the one labeled "???" and indented a few rows down.

[the funny thing is, i've learned that falling in love is so easy, but so difficult.

to truly fall in love with someone you have to fall in love with every part of them. notice every part of them.

i've began to notice things about you that you haven't even seen in yourself. i've began to notice every part of you.

there hasn't been a single moment where i thought of you as imperfect. you've really become everything. it's hard to stick an emotion to a person, but you are my living, walking, happiness. nothing about you has ever turned me away.

the way your freckles dance across your skin. the light of your eyes. the perfect shape that your lips formed. the fact that you almost always smiled. i've noticed everything about you.

but i can't be in love. i don't want to be. not again.

i've been in love once.

the night i cried "please, please don't leave me. please, stay," i never meant anything more in my entire life. i knew him leaving would have left scars that would never fade. tear my skin down to the bone, leave me on my knees begging for forgiveness in the harsh world.

that night as tears rolled off my blood flushed cheeks, i did the only thing i knew to do. i told him everything. i let everything out.

"darling, i was never going to leave you in the first place."

he did.

now i have forgotten what it feels like. all i can remember is the bittersweet taste left behind that starts by noticing the little things. by allowing yourself to see the the parts of people they don't notice.