Chasing the Old Flame✓

Prologue

Holding the steering wheel firmly, I sighed as memories from college days of my life came into my mind.

Those memories made me who I am today.

Bolder, wiser, and braver.

I killed time inside my car, thinking twice if I should enter the hotel already. They held a reunion. I was in the US when I received an invitation by email. I had a hard time deciding if I should come or let it pass, but I know that I'm ready to go home.

None of my friends know that I'm already here in the Philippines. I haven't spoken to anyone since the day that I left. I cut my connection to all of them even if it's hard because it's part of my healing.

I left five years ago because of the man who broke my heart. Sinigurado niya pang durog na durog at mahihirapan na akong buuin pa.

I don't deserve that. Really.

Ngayong nakabalik na ako, sigurado akong marami nang nagbago.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ipapaliwanag sa mga kaibigan ko kung bakit umalis ako nang walang paalam at maiintindihan ko kung nagtatampo o galit sila sa akin.

Wala naman kasi silang alam sa tunay nangyari.

But they were there when he broke up with me. They heard and they saw how he hurt me using his words.

He did it at the wrong time.

I let out a deep breath and shut my eyes off. I stopped thinking about what happened that day. That was the time that I almost lost myself.

I was barely living . . . only if I don't have another life within me that I should take care of, baka nabaliw na ako.

Muli akong nagmulat ng mga mata. Tiningnan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin at inayos ang sarili. I gasped for air and let it out slowly just to calm myself and ignore the nervousness rosing in my chest.

Lumabas na ako ng kotse.

Tumindig ako at taas-noong pumasok sa hotel. The guard opened the glass door for me, and so I smiled and greeted him, "Good evening."

Tuloy-tuloy akong pumasok. Sinalubong ako ng malakas na music at nagkikislapan ang iba't ibang ilaw ng disco lights. I roamed my eyes around to see the decor for tonight.

It seemed like they really prepared for this but I can't say much. Even if I want to appreciate everything I see, I just can't help but my mind goes to other things.

Para akong lutang at hindi alam kung bakit ako nandito.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko hahanapin sa dagat ng mga tao na nakikita ko ngayon ang mga kaibigan ko.

I didn't create a new Facebook account yet kaya hindi ko alam kung paano sila ime-message.

I only know one person who's not mad at me and really understands me but we rarely contact each other since he saw me in the US.

Bumuntong-hininga ako saka sinimulang sumiksik sa mga tao at sinubukan silang hanapin. The disco lights isn't helping. Madilim pa rin.

I squinted my eyes, trying to look carefully. Dahan-dahan akong naglakad at inilibot ang paningin sa buong lugar.

"Eiris," someone called me from behind.

I looked at her immediately, only to see Macie, one of my classmates back then, scrutinizing me from head to toe. It was as if I’m an expensive bag and I took her interest.

“Macie,” I acknowledged.

She hasn't changed. Not even a bit. Mukha pa rin siyang bata dahil sa bilugan niyang mukha. She even looks like an angel, pero demonyo naman ang ugali. Hindi naman kami magkasundo. She hates me so much to the point na sinisiraan niya ako sa ibang tao.

"How have you been?" she asked like we were friends. "I heard a lot about you ah?” She tried to plaster a smile.

"Hmm? Pangit na kwento na naman ba?" I chuckled. "Tulad ba ng dati, masama pa rin ako diyan?”

Her reaction immediately changed. Nawala na ang kaniyang ngiti at tila ba hindi na siya komportablen. "No, actually . . . hindi naman,” mahina niyang sagot habang kumakamot sa kaniyang kilay. “Siguro mamaya na lang tayo mag-usap? Let’s catch up a little. Iikot lang ako,” pag-iwas niya na sa akin.

"Okay."

As if I still want to talk to you.

Ako na ang naunang tumalikod sa kaniya at hindi na nagpaalam. Tinuloy ko ang paghahanap sa mga kaibigan ko.

One swift glance on the other side, I stiffened.

I saw them . . . not my friends but the ones who broke me.

Isaiah and Janela.

Nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan habang pinagmamasdan silang dalawa. They look so casual while talking to each other. Janela’s wearing a black a-line backless dress which accentuated the curve of her body. Hinayaan niyang nakabuhaghag ang mahaba niyang buhok na kulot sa dulo at paminsang hinahawi gamit ang daliri.

Simple lang ang ayos niya ngunit lalo nitong nadepina ang ganda ng kaniyang mukha.

Inilipat ko ang mga mata sa lalaking kausap niya.

My ex-lover. The only man I loved.

Ang lalaking muntik nang sumira sa buhay ko.

He looks more reserved now. I stared at his face. Kahit madilim, naging malinaw ang lahat para sa akin pagdating sa kaniya. Gently tousled black hair, thick eyebrows which defined his pair of brown almond eyes more, pointed aquiline nose, and naturally kissable thin lips.

His physique screams perfection pero hanggang doon lang siya.

Nagtagal ang titig ko sa kaniya hanggang siya tumingin siya sa gawi ko. Mabilis akong tumalikod at sumiksik sa kumpol ng mga tao at tumakbo.

Hindi niya ako puwedeng makita.

Nahihilo na ako dahil hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta kaya lumabas na lang ulit ako ng hotel at bumalik sa kotse ko.

Mabilis ang aking paghinga nang tuluyan akong makapasok at sinara ang kotse. Nakagat ko na lamang ang labi ko saka ko idinukdok ang ulo ko sa manibala at pinaghahampas iyon.

"Tangina naman!" bulong ko sa sarili. "Bakit ko ba kailangang umiwas?"

Siya naman ang may kasalanan sa aming dalawa at hindi ako.

Nang iangat kong muli ang ulo ko, abot tahip ang naging kaba ko nang makita ko siya sa labas at inililigid ang paningin.

Nakita niya ba ako?

Napamura ako sa gulat nang mag-ring ang cellphone ko at napabuntong-hininga na lang nang makita kung sino ang tumawag.

Sinagot ko ito. Tahimik ang kabilang linya.

"Hello, love?" I spoke. "Why did you call?"

"M-mommy." He sobbed.

"Are you crying?" I asked worriedly. "Bakit hindi ka pa natutulog? 'Di ba I told you to sleep early."

"Mommy, I miss you," he mumbled.

"I miss you too, love."

I looked at Isaiah. He's still there and wandering his eyes around.

"Do you want me to go home?" I asked my son.

"Yes, please."

"Okay, I'll be home in thirty minutes. Wait for me."

"I-I love you, mommy."

His soft voice brings comfort to my heart. Ngunit sa kabila ng lambing ng kaniyang boses ay nagdala rin ito ng pait sa akin.

"I love you, too."

My eyes were still fixed to him, dahil habang nakatingin ako sa kaniya, para ko ring tinititigan ang anak ko.

I dropped the call and started the engine. One last glance, I drove away from him.

Asher is my son. It will never be his.

The day that he hurt me was the day he lost his right to be the father of our child.