Golden

41

I drove my rental car down the dirt road slowly, clutching the steering wheel in my sweaty palms as my wide eyes scanned the beaten path in front of me with growing anticipation and nervousness. I remembered this ride with such vivid detail that it took my breath away as I shakily readjusted the oversized sunglasses on my face. I had been slightly paranoid all day, wary of the potential of suspicious onlookers, even though I hadn't seen a single car since I had pulled off the highway.
A thousand suppressed memories swirled around the forefront of my mind like the sudden onset of frozen blizzard in the middle of winter: at first, a few thoughts popped into my head, small recollections that felt like tiny snow flurries fluttering down from the frigid sky. I remembered Harry's fingers intertwined with mine as the city disappeared in his car's rear view mirror and with it, seemingly all my fears and inhibitions. I felt his lips graze the top of my hand as he glanced back at me from the driver's seat, smirking and distracted by my presence as usual. I remembered the warm wind on my face blowing in through the opened windows as we picked up speed, careening down the empty stretch of road towards paradise together. Before long, every repressed emotion that I had tried to bury clawed its way back to the surface and hit me all at once with such force that everything around me felt chaotic and overwhelming. I was in the middle of a complete whiteout, a storm that I was trapped in the middle of, paralyzed and frozen in ice.
I brushed a stray strand of hair out of my flushed face as I pressed harder on the gas pedal, knowing I was arriving early; but my every thought was clouded by this very moment, so I figured it was best to get to the lookout first so I had time to calm my nerves before Harry showed up...if he showed up.
I peered out my window at the familiar rocky path, noticing how abandoned the route was and thankful for its secrecy. I didn't want to share this place with anyone else. It was too precious to have it popularized. I selfishly wanted it to remain hidden forever. I feared it would lose its grandeur if others somehow infiltrated it.
I pulled off into a secluded spot near the edge of a grassy area and put my vehicle in park with a trembling hand griping the shifter. I leaned back against the seat and stared straight ahead through my windshield, trying to steady myself before opening the door and unleashing even more memories the further I fell down this maddening rabbit hole.
I hadn't physically been here since Harry had taken me for the first time; but I frequently traveled here in the safety and privacy of my day dreams, often wandering back to this sacred spot that I had perfectly preserved in my mind and would hold dear for the rest of my life.
I dug my nails into my palms, swallowing hard as my heart began to pound uneasily. I thought I would be strong enough to handle this. I wanted to believe I was mentally prepared to return here, that I wouldn't be overwhelmed with stifled emotion that I had shoved so deeply down inside of me that I had almost forgotten they even still existed.
But I was so very wrong.
Tears burned my eyes the moment I leapt from my car door and began walking down the path Harry and I had hiked together so long ago; though I remembered everything as if it were yesterday. Despite the cooler weather of the winter season in California, everything remained essentially unchanged from what I had engraved into my head. I sauntered up the uneven trail, mindful of where I was stepping and recalling how Harry had tripped and stumbled countless times in his Gucci sliders. I smirked at the memory, realizing the path itself was just as treacherous as I had remembered.
But even so, things felt different somehow.
I silently knew the reason: I was different.
I kicked stray rocks with my dirty shoes, dragging my feet lazily behind me because my whole body felt so heavy with each step. It took all my energy to keep going, fear and restlessness steadily growing inside of me the higher I climbed and the shorter my breath became as doubts seeped into my brain like poison.
What if he's not here?
What if he doesn't show up?
...What if he does?
Truthfully, I didn't have a plan for any of this.
When I had fled the hospital in London and left Harry sleeping soundly in his bed to recover, I returned back to his house to pack up my things as quickly as I could to leave on the next flight out of the city. Overcome with guilt and confusion, I felt as if I had no other choice but to try and sort out this web of chaos and destruction that had somehow become by life.
I can't hide forever. I can't run forever. I can't live in fear forever.
And most of all – I didn't want to hide, run or live in fear forever.
But what should I do?
I wasn't sure – then or even now – but I knew staying in London for another moment wasn't an option. I had to return and face these demons I created head on, even if it terrified me. I made this mess myself. I could fix this mess myself. I had to fix this mess myself.
But first – I wanted one more thing.
I left Harry a hastily written note and hopped on the first plane to California with no idea if he would follow or even care. I didn't know if he would find my instructions or be able to decipher it. I didn't know if he would hold my abrupt leaving against me and reject my offer entirely, growing tired of this constant back and forth and instead opting for an easier and more permanent way out. I couldn't blame him if he did.
I emerged on top of the hillside, standing on the lusciously green precipice, glancing down at the steep edge underneath my feet, teetering slightly as I inched as close as I could to it. In a fleeting moment of overwhelming curiosity, I wondered what it would feel like if I just leapt: how the wind would push back my hair as my body began to drop, how my limbs would spread out during the rapid descent, how my heart would feel like it was bursting out of my chest as the air left my lungs.
Maybe I would finally be free.
I wondered if falling would instead feel like flying...until the inevitable bone crush. I wondered if it would be peaceful or paralyzing. I wondered how close I could get before...
A strong grip suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me back from the ledge. I yelped in surprise at the unexpected touch, not having heard anyone approaching as two strong arms dragged my feet across the grass until I was a safe distance away from the edge. I thought about screaming, but a rough voice silenced me before I could get a sound out.
"Don't do that again."
My neck snapped up as two green eyes appeared directly in my face, wild and angry. I scanned him quickly, taking in his simple grey sweat pants, black hooded sweatshirt and bright pink beanie that covered his messy curls. I used all of my self control not to smirk when I noticed he was wearing worn out Vans sneakers instead of his Gucci sliders this time. He had learned his lesson about the difficulty of hiking in designer shoes, it seemed.
"Do what?" I asked breathlessly, trying to focus, my mind just catching up with the rest of me. His grip on my arm tightened as I glanced down at his fingers wrapped around my body, wanting them to explore all the other parts of me.
"You know what." He huffed irritably. "You were so close to falling over that ledge..."
"I was not," I disputed, tugging my arm from his grasp and straightening up in hopes of snapping out of the trance-like spell he always cast over me whenever he touched me. "I was just admiring the scenery."
"You can admire the scenery without looking like you're going to fling yourself off the cliff," he argued, panting from panic as he recoiled back. His eyes searched mine, seeming lost and jittery, like he was crawling out of his skin just being with me. "I thought...I thought you were going to jump."
"Harry." I rolled my eyes at his assumption, although he wasn't necessarily wrong. "I wasn't going to..."
"I already thought I lost you once this week, I can't handle you being reckless and having that thought pop back into my head," Harry blurted out weakly, his voice breaking with emotion. His eyes flashed with desperation, silently pleading with me to not make him further explain his fears. "Just...don't scare me like that, okay?"
I closed my mouth, a twinge of pain flaring up inside of me for causing him more pain. "I'm sorry." I crossed my arms over my chest and cast my gaze to the ground, dragging my foot along the lush grass in embarrassment. "I..."
"Why did you want to meet here?" Harry asked me instead, shoving his hands deep into his pockets before he looked around at the stunning landscape surrounding us with narrowed eyes. I silently wondered if being here was as difficult for him as it was for me.
"I don't know." I shrugged helplessly, feeling suddenly very foolish for not having thought any of this through. I should have had a plan or some explanation to tell him, but I didn't. "It's...it's just the first spot that came to mind."
Why did I want to meet here? What did I think any of this would accomplish besides digging up our grave yet another time?
"I haven't been back here since you took me," I told him quietly as a gust of cool wind rushed by my red face, sending a shiver up my spine. "I wanted to make sure that I still remembered it."
"I come here all the time," Harry confessed, almost mumbling the words as if he wasn't sure he wanted me to know it or not. "It reminds me of you."
"Is that...a good thing?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to know.
Harry's mouth formed a thin, straight line.
He didn't answer.
Instead, he rolled up the sleeves on his sweatshirt, exposing the countless tattoos on his forearms before he suddenly nodded, motioning behind me. I watched him carefully, holding the oxygen in my lungs as he stared back directly at me with such intensity that I swore the air between us got heavier with palpable tension and smothered passion.
The restraint was almost too much to hold back before Harry told me evenly, "You're going to miss the sunset if you don't turn around soon."
I slowly spun, prying my gaze away from his and watched as the sun descended over the hilltop, casting everything in its wake in glorious rays of golden light. The sky erupted into vibrant shades of yellow, orange, red and pink as I took a small step forward, still holding my breath in awe as everything else around me seemed to fade away into nothingness. The wind blew through the field of radiant wildflowers below, the long grass brushing against my ankles as I shuddered involuntarily at the chill of the breeze and the sudden stillness and contentment that washed over me.
I was so used to feeling restless and like I was teetering on the edge, ready to fall or slip or jump – whichever impulse overtook me first. But as I stared out onto the breathtaking scene in front of me, watching the sun sink beneath the skyline as the rolling hills seemed to stretch on forever, I felt at ease for the first time in a long time.
It was so beautiful.
I felt Harry inch closer to me, standing broad-shouldered by my side, brushing ever so slightly against my arm as goosebumps erupted on my skin from his gentle touch. He knew what he was doing.
We stood in silence until the sun disappeared entirely from view, the clouds rolling in as darkness quickly approached, blanketing everything in shadow. I didn't want to leave, even if I could no longer see anything.
"Was it everything you wanted?" Harry asked lightly, still standing beside me, looking straight ahead, almost as if he were afraid to look at me, fearful of what memories would spring into his head, worried about what he would do if he even peered over at me for a mere moment. "Was it everything you remembered it being?"
"It's...different," I answered honestly, not daring to glance in his direction either. If he was nervous about controlling himself, I was positive that I wouldn't be able to restrain my own desires if I caught his eye.
Harry stiffened, crossing his arms behind his back for safe keeping as he mumbled, "We're different."
The confession felt like a punch to my gut. I knew he was right. I felt it too. So much had changed between us since we had last been here together. Things couldn't be the same and wouldn't ever be the same again.
But I still had this foolish idea, this twisted fantasy in my head, that if we were here together again – everything would fall back into place.
I wished with all my might that the tangled web we had woven would somehow effortlessly unravel. I had hoped the taut knots that had tightened over time would somehow loosen and straighten, allowing the thread of gold that tethered us together to replace the snarled rope that had been wound so tightly around us that it suffocated us, entrapped us and held us hostage in its unrelenting grasp.
I wanted to breathe again. I wanted to follow that glimmering, golden string all the way out of the darkness and back to Harry.
I just had to figure out how.
Or was it too late? Were we too different to find our way back to each other? Was this all pointless? Was this all some crazy delusion I concocted in my head as a final act of pathetic desperation? Was it really over for us? Did Harry not even want this – me or us – anymore?
"God, I'm so stupid," I exhaled heavily, shaking my head as I took a step back from Harry, not wanting to feel him close anymore, still afraid of what I might do now that fear was settling into my bloodstream, making everything around me spin out of my control and fall from my grasp. "I don't know what I wanted or expected from this."
I began backtracking, noticing Harry was finally looking at me, studying me at a distance as I stumbled away from him.
"I'm sorry," I said helplessly, ashamed of myself and this request, once again asking too much from him. "I...I just...I..."
My voice trailed off as I lifted my head to get a proper glance at him, wondering if this would be the last time in a long time that I would see him. He was standing tall, his hands shoved deep into his pockets, rocking on his heels a bit. His eyes scanned me quickly, waiting for me to continue my senseless rambling as his gaze pierced through the center of my chest like a razor sharp blade.
But he didn't say anything.
"I'm trying," I blurted out finally, my voice hoarse, my cheeks flushing with raw honesty and unfiltered vulnerability. "This..." I stretched my arms out to my sides, shrugging my shoulders and motioning towards our expansive surroundings, feeling so small, so useless, so insignificant. "This is me trying."
Harry's eyes flashed with sadness and understanding. His lips twitched slightly and I cursed myself for staring at his mouth. I averted my gaze as I shook my head once more, taking another step back from him.
"I should go," I reasoned flatly after he remained silent, my stomach sinking with each futile attempt at explaining myself to Harry. I had been talking in circles, unsure of what to tell him, what I wanted to say, what I wanted to hear, what I wanted to come of all of this. It all felt so silly now. "Are you..."
"I'm going to stay a little longer, I think," Harry said calmly, turning his head and peering out over his shoulder. "Our..." he cleared his throat and corrected himself. "My house is practically all cleaned out and I don't know when I'll be able to be back here again."
I nodded numbly, feeling the sting of his blunt clarification. It seemed as if there wasn't an "us" or an "ours" anymore.
"I'm glad you picked this spot," Harry told me quietly, offering me a small smile, the first one he had cracked since arriving here. "I like that...well, I like that you think this place is special."
I smirked back, but my heart felt like it was breaking all over again. Something about the way he said those words made this feel like it was final, like it was the end of something.
"It's always going to be special." I meant it.
"Are you going to that event tonight?" Harry asked me, suddenly curious. "That New Years Eve thing Simon is throwing?"
I rolled my eyes, grimacing. "Yeah. Simon's orders. He wanted to introduce me to a few more producers for the record." I sighed heavily, already feeling exhausted. "Work never ends."
"Is he–" Harry began to ask in a low growl.
"No, he's not. He declined," I answered his question immediately before he could even get the words out. "Maura emailed me the guest list last night and Jo..." I choked on his name, unable to even speak it. "He's traveling apparently, so he's not around."
I raised my eyebrow, equally interested and fleeting hopeful. "Are...are you going?"
Harry shook his head and my stomach sank. "I declined last week too. I...I thought we'd still be in London actually." He paused before adding in a defeated whisper, "I was kind of looking forward to spending New Year's Eve with you..."
He took that knife that was lodged in my heart and twisted it.
I'm still here, I wanted to say. It's not too late.
But "oh" was all I could mange to reply with.
"But you're heading back to New York tonight anyway, right?" Harry noted, gathering himself quickly and rebounding like a true media trained expert.
"I...I guess," I answered warily, wondering how he could have possibly known that. I hadn't told him, sure he was going to try and convince me otherwise; but apparently I was wrong.
"I'm going right from the party to the airport," I explained, rattling off my schedule that I had just finalized this morning. "Finn is getting me and I'm staying at his place until I figure out things, so..."
So he doesn't find me, I thought grimly, feeling the color drain from my face.
"Brave of you to travel to New York on New Year's," Harry told me lightly, trying to be playful, but he was undoubtedly devastated. "But if that's where you want to spend your holiday, it makes sense. You want to start the new year on the right foot, right? You should spend it with the people you love."
"I..." I closed my mouth before I could confess anything else. I bit my lip, hushing myself. "Right."
Harry's eyes searched mine, almost desperately, pleading for some kind of hint or sign as to what I wasn't telling him. After a moment and finding nothing in my eyes, his gaze went dark again. He was locked out.
"Well, have fun tonight then," Harry said as cheerfully as he could, but I could tell he didn't really mean it. His tone was dismissive, unable to mask the hurt in his voice. "And...I'll see you when I see you?"
He still didn't like goodbyes.
"Right." I swallowed hard, choking on the words I wanted to tell him but was too afraid to admit out loud. "I'll see you."
Harry turned away from me back towards the lookout without another word as I retreated back down the path slowly, putting as much distance between us as I could before I allowed myself to give into temptation and peered back over my shoulder. I stared at Harry's lone silhouette that was still facing away from me, flinching as an overwhelming sense of loneliness washed over me as I stared at his figure, willing him with all my might to turn and look at me.
But he never did.
Maybe this was the end after all.