Golden

29

"I told you I'd always find you."
No. This couldn't be happening. Not him. Not here.
I wanted to slam the door shut in his face and lock it, securing myself safely inside and far away from him, but my body couldn't seem to move. I remained frozen in place, paralyzed with fear and shock that he was the one standing in my doorway underneath the front porch light tonight. The worst possible scenario was playing out right in front of me, like a true and inescapable, living nightmare.
Wake up! I demanded myself silently. I swayed back and forth on unstable feet in the threshold, staring at the cold, black eyes that haunted my dreams. Wake up to end this!
"Aren't you happy to see me?" He purred menacingly, licking his lips as he leaned in closer.
I glanced down, noticing he kept his foot inside of the doorframe, making sure he would still be able to pry the door open if I tried to close him out. He always seemed to be one step ahead of me, even if I didn't have time to think of what my next move would be; he always seemed to know. It terrified me.
"Are you going to say anything?" He asked pointedly when I hadn't uttered a single word. "Tell me how much you missed me." He grinned, his teeth like fangs. He reached out to touch me and I flinched as his smile widened. "Oh come on, kid. Why so quiet?"
"John." His name left my lips in one, quick exhale. My stomach turned, as if saying it out loud made it more real. I was gripping the side of the door so tightly in my hand that I felt sharp splinters pierce my palm. "You...you're here."
"Surprise." His eyes flashed with devilish amusement at my disbelief. My skin was crawling, my mouth was dry from hanging open.
"This is a surprise." I tried to keep my voice down, calm and neutral. Any little thing, from an unsettling inflection in my tone to the wrong facial expression could set him off. "I...I wasn't expecting you."
"Well I know how much you love surprises, kid," he ribbed me, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively. "The look on your face when you opened the door was...priceless."
"I'm sure it was," I deadpanned, feeling woozy.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to get as far away from him as possible. But I couldn't. I wouldn't have a chance in hell of making it out of here without his permission. We both knew it.
"May I come in?" John asked abruptly with a loud laugh, not bothering to wait for my approval and instead just barging right in. His shoulder collided with mine as he pushed his way through the threshold forcefully, knowing there was no way I could stop him even if I wanted to.
I winced in pain, suddenly very aware just how isolated and far away we were from everyone and everything else in these dark woods. It was just us for miles and miles.
I slowly shut the door behind me, trying to steady my breathing so he wouldn't pick up on how anxious I was. He thrived on my fear, hungrily lapped it up and relished in my distress like he was insatiable for my panic and couldn't get enough of it. I was a five course meal to him right now.
I turned around towards him, watching his back in the dull lighting as he placed his hands on his hips and leisurely began surveying my small home with wide eyes. I narrowed my gaze at him, willing with all my might to make him disappear and dissolve into the floorboards. He was an unwelcome intruder in my private sanctuary, an uninvited guest in my safe space. He had no right to be here.
"Nice digs," John noted somewhat sarcastically as he wandered through the living room, clearly looking for clues that another person had been here. He picked up a pillow off the couch and held it in his hands. For a moment, I was briefly afraid he would rip it in two, but he tossed it back on the sofa carelessly as he turned back to look at me. "It's a little small for my taste, but...since you're the only one here...I think it's perfect."
I swallowed hard. Had he been watching me? How did he know I was alone? How did he know I was even here to begin with? Simon had assured me and Harry that only a few select executives would know where we are...
No.
John smirked as the sudden realization hit me in full force like a train. My vision went dark around the edges, my mind trying to catch up with the rest of my body, reminding myself that I was still standing, that I was still breathing, that John was still in front of me carefully studying my every move. I felt like the world was tilting beneath my feet, shifting on uneven ground until I finally fell off the edge. Everything was wrong.
I opened my mouth to ask for an explanation, but my voice was lost. I watched his mouth turn upwards into a sinister smile, knowing he had the upper hand as usual.
"When Harry first mentioned the duet idea in our monthly meeting, I knew Simon would shit himself over the idea," John explained slowly, his evil grin still plastered on his face as he took a step towards me, closing the small gap between us.
"Harry..." I whispered his name, my chest tightening as it escaped off my tongue. "The duet was Harry's idea?"
John stared back at me, fully surprised for the first time since he walked through my door. "You didn't know?"
I shook my head, reeling from this unexpected revelation.
Writing together was Harry's idea? This cabin was Harry's idea? Us spending time alone together was Harry's idea?
"Harry went on and on about how he wanted to write with you and how it would be great for sales and Simon just ate it up," John growled, balling his hands into fists. "Harry said you two should have privacy to record and write out of the city and the spotlight and how it could be a totally new sound for both of you and blah, blah, blah..." John rolled his eyes, showing his disdain for the idea. And for Harry.
I stayed silent, studying John's mannerisms to see if I could predict his next move. He was wearing a navy suit and dress shoes, clearly coming from or going to something. I hoped it was the latter. He seemed on edge, angry, and unsettled, which wasn't all that unusual. Even though John had been kind and thoughtful and gentle a few months ago, I still knew this John well. This was who he really was, who he always had been, who he always will be.
I cursed myself for believing anything different, even for a desperate moment. I hated myself for falling prey to his manipulative tactics again. I had been vulnerable and weak and heart broken and he used that to his advantage. But I should've known better.
"And of course, being the golden boy that he is, Harry persuaded Simon instantly to get whatever he wanted for you two," John continued, his resentment growing with each new clarification he offered me. He snapped his fingers suddenly, causing me to jump. He beamed, knowing he was scaring me.
"Simon told us in the board meeting all about this little cabin he rented for you two and how you'd both be gone on and off for an entire year..." He abruptly leaned forward and grabbed my cheeks between his thumb and pointer finger, yanking my face towards him. I stumbled forward at his harsh pull, losing my balance before crashing roughly against his chest. He laughed, sending an immediate shockwave of terror through me.
His face was so close to mine, I momentarily lost my breath as his black eyes pierced through me. I had hoped that the kindness and gentleness John had shown me would somehow last, even if we weren't in each other's lives anymore. I had done everything I could to ensure a peaceful and quiet exit, carefully extracting and erasing him from all aspects my life. I didn't necessarily want to hurt him, knowing what he was capable of; but I wanted as much distance between us that the world could offer. I strategically made my moves like we playing an eternal game of life-or-death chess.
And now I was losing.
I should have known he would come back. I should have known he would return to his old ways as soon as I tried to leave again. I should have known I couldn't escape him.
"Imagine it...the two of you...alone...together..." John's voice doled on, dragging out each word and syllable to show how furious he was at the mere thought of me and Harry being here together.
He pinched my cheeks roughly, forcing me to lock eyes with him as he whispered threateningly, "And you know that I couldn't let that happen."
His arms snaked around my back and my mind transported me back to last year when I had been constantly drunk out of my mind and always found myself crashing into his bed, craving some kind of intimacy to fill the gaping hole and void in my chest. I was repulsed by my weakness. I couldn't believe after all of the work I had done, after fleeing from him the first two times, after promising to myself and swearing to everyone I knew that I would never go back...
I turned into my own worst fears.
"I take it Harry hasn't shown up?" John pried, studying my face with such scrutiny that it made my cheeks burn with anxiety.
I coughed, struggling against his hands on me as I shook my head. "Just me."
I didn't know whether or not admitting I was truly alone here was a good idea. I didn't know what tricks John still had up his sleeve or what he was going to do next. We were constantly in a battle for control and I was falling behind quickly. But I had to protect Harry. I had to make sure John didn't get to him. I had to keep him safe.
"Good." John seemed satisfied, but I knew better than to believe I was in the clear just yet. "Very good."
"Do...did...do you need something?" I finally asked, wondering why he was even here other than to make sure I had been by myself. I crossed my arms over my chest, running my hands over Harry's sweater and breathing in his scent for strength and comfort.
"What? You mean I can't check in on my girl from time to time?" He flashed another intimidating smile. "Come on, kid. You know I'll always be around. I'll always come back for you. I'm never going to leave you."
My stomach dropped. He was right. There was no escaping him. I had tried and he always found his way back to me.
He took a step towards me, taking my silence as acceptance. I glanced down at the floor, unable and not wanting to look at him. He was hovering over me, his shadow casting me in complete darkness. I smelled his breath: vodka and cheap cigarettes. I tried not to grimace, though I was revolted.
"Come on kid," he repeated lowly, almost in a sing-song tone. "You know you're always going to be my girl, right?"
I clenched my fists together, wondering how hard I could hit him in his jaw and if that would give me enough time to grab my car keys off the kitchen counter and drive off.
"Kid, answer me." It was a demand. It was a threat.
I peered up at him silently, wondering how I could have ever loved a man like this.
It wasn't love, I told myself firmly. It was what you thought love was, what you thought it was supposed to be. But you know better now. You know what real love is now. You've been in real love.
John suddenly grabbed the back of my neck forcibly, quickly yanking me towards him as he slid his tongue swiftly into my mouth. I reeled back, struggling against his harsh grip, but he jerked me forward, not allowing me to pull away. I sensed his anger at my initial rebuff as his grasp on my neck tightened and I felt my skin bruising beneath his fingertips. I tried to relax, though my body was so nauseated, it was nearly impossible. I blocked everything out of my mind, my thoughts going entirely blank as a safety mechanism I had perfected years ago, knowing it was safer to give in than to fight. I would lose. I would lose every time.
John closed his eyes as he pulled me into his body, pressing me against his chest as his hands traveled down to my hips. My stomach lurched at his touch, disgusted by it. He squeezed my backside roughly, causing me to yelp in pain into his opened mouth. I felt him smirk beneath my lips, making me feel physically ill. I dug my nails into my palms, tearing at the raw skin. I grimaced, pain shooting up my arm as John latched onto me deeper.
I desperately glanced around the room, trying to find something to distract me from what was happening. I scanned the space, finding nothing that could help me. But then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flicker of headlights outside of the front windows.
I perked up, trying to see if I was imagining things or if this was real. Thankfully, John had his back to the door and his eyes were shut, so he was blissfully unaware that my eyes were locked on the window glass. I squinted at the front door, watching the shadows on the wall get brighter for a brief moment.
John's hands locked themselves in my curls and he began tugging at them harshly, which was starting to give me whiplash and a mind numbing headache. I stared with a wide gaze as the window pane became fully illuminated.
Someone else is here, I thought urgently to myself, nearly losing my breath at the realization. Someone else is here to save me. This will all be over with soon. Soon.
I waited anxiously, straining my ears listening for a car door in the driveway to open and close and hear footsteps approaching the front door. I wanted to see the panic in John's face at another unexpected visitor made their presence known. At this point, I didn't care who it was, I just needed help from someone, anyone.
Although, I did know who I wanted it to be.
"You taste so good," John murmured into my lips, which made me cringe. He had no idea of what was looming outside. "Didn't you miss this?"
He ran his tongue across my bottom lip and I had to use all my self control not to bite down on it. I kept waiting for the knock on the door and for this to all be over with.
Soon.
"Yes," I lied to him weakly, shuddering against his kiss. "Yes, of course."
John snaked his arm around my waist, tugging at the sleeve of Harry's cardigan. I gasped frantically, not wanting John anywhere near this precious keepsake. I didn't want the fabric to be ruined or for Harry's smell to be removed from it. In a panic, I shrugged off the sweater, letting it fall off my shoulders and onto to the floor. I swiftly kicked it under the couch, praying it would be safe there and out of sight from John.
"Ah, much better," John muttered, slowly scanning my body that was barely covered by a sheer, white camisole and matching silk pajama shorts. His lips went back to mine and I shivered, suddenly very cold all over.
I looked over John's shoulder, staring at the lights outside, still clinging to desperate hope that someone would burst through the door any minute now. What was taking so long?
"Please," I accidentally pleaded out loud in a whisper.
"What?" John asked me, confused as he pulled back and made a face at me. "What was that?"
"Nothing." My face flushed. I placed my hands on the top of his shoulders, hoping he didn't notice my unstoppable shaking. "Nothing at all."
"Good." His fingers clasped onto the base of my neck again and he brushed my hair out of my eyes. I flinched again slightly, thinking he was going to be far less gentle. I knew the look in his eyes, he was hungry and dangerous.
I couldn't help but peer back to the window as John started kissing my throat, my hope quickly disappearing the longer the door remained closed. John's hands began exploring my body roughly, making me wince at the brute force that I wasn't used to.
As the seconds dragged on into minutes, I realized that just as quickly as I saw the headlights appear, I watched in despair and horror as they vanished.
My heart sank as I scanned the room for any signs of the headlights I had seen outside and found none. The room was only filled with flickering candles, barely illuminating both of our figures, which was better since I didn't want to be able to fully see John, knowing it would make my stomach flip.
No! I wanted to scream. No, don't leave me here alone with him!
John ran a finger down my cheek, oblivious to how devastated I was. He, on the other hand, seemed overjoyed. He knew he won. He always managed to win.
"I have to go."
My heart skipped a beat.
Was he serious?
John readjusted his suit jacket and took a small step back from me to my relief, giving me room. I finally exhaled, remembering how my lungs worked.
I didn't ask him to repeat himself, making sure I had heard him correctly. He hated that. He would punish me for that.
"I've got business overseas I need to attend to," John offered, to my surprise. He was usually far more secretive than this. But I guess he knew he had nothing to lose. I was alone. I would always be alone. Harry wasn't coming. All hope was lost.
"I just wanted to check on you before I left." He winked, I inwardly gagged. "I'll be back though."
I felt the color drain from my face.
When? Why? For how long next time?
I had so many questions, none of which I dared to ask, knowing he would never give me answers anyway. He would never reveal his full hand to me. He kept his cards close to his chest. This was always a game to him.
"Okay" was all I could say.
John bent forward and kissed the top of my head before retreating back to the door. My chest got a little lighter with each step he took and the more distance he put between us. I watched him drag his dress shoes across the floor, the boards creaking under his weight.
Leave, I begged. Leave and never come back.
John reached for the door, but he turned around just before opening it. I jumped at his unexpected movements, fearing what his hands would do next.
"Look at me," he ordered in a low snarl. I was powerless against him.
I obeyed immediately, locking our gazes. He was staring at me with such intensity, such rage, such possession that it shook me to my core.
"I'm always going to find you," John repeated gravely serious. His words sent a fearful jolt through my system, fully believing that he was right. "So don't try and run or hide from me. You know it's useless."
I found myself nodding, although my head was spinning. I stayed quiet, knowing better than to say anything that could set him off or stop him from leaving altogether.
He smiled at me, satisfied with my silent obedience. His wicked eyes flashed with pleasure as he licked his lips, confirming that he got what he came for.
"See you soon, kid."
It was more of a threat than anything else. It felt like a death sentence.
"Bye." My voice was small and hoarse. I was unsure if it had even come from me. I hardly recognized it.
John scanned my almost naked body one last time as my skin erupted with goosebumps, repulsed and feeling violated. He closed the door behind him and I waited breathlessly against the frame as I heard his car start and then peel out of the gravel driveway.
I stood in the doorway for a brief moment, fearing he was somehow testing me and would return in a few minutes. He often played that game when we shared an apartment together: he would pretend to leave only to come back soon after, seeing what I was doing, if I was still alone, if I had tried to call anyone or have anyone over. He always thought he would catch me redhanded with someone else or trying to flee or run away from him. It was never true...until one day.
One day, he was right. I had left.
But he had found me again that time.
And every other time after that.
I was never going to get rid of him.
When I was sure he wasn't coming back, I instantly fell to my knees, collapsing to the floor, crying uncontrollably and still feeling him on my lips. I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand, wanting to get rid of his repulsive taste. I covered my face, choking on my salty tears. My chest was pounding, heaving up and down with each painful sob. I was in hysterics, nearing the verge of a complete and total breakdown. I was so scared, so useless, so helpless.
I was crying so hard and so loudly that I didn't hear the creak of the front door gradually opening.
It was ugly. I was wailing, feeling more distraught and panicked than I had felt in a long time. I placed a hand on the cold, hardwood floor, trying to steady myself, but my body and heart felt so heavy. I dragged my nails across the plank boards, failing to grip anything to hold to, feeling even more unstable the longer I stayed curled into myself.
I pinched my eyes shut, burning with hot tears that just kept pouring out of them. My hair fell in my face, sticking to my wet cheeks and I briefly wondered how long it would be until a full blown panic attack crept its way into my system.
My chest was rattling and heaving up and down painfully, unable to catch my breath. I swallowed hard, sniffing as I wiped my eyes as more tears fell. I blinked, trying to clear my hazy gaze.
And I saw shoes.
I squinted, thinking I was making things up in my head again, much like the car headlights. I reached my arm out, my fingers blurry in my vision, and gently touched the top of a pair of black and white Vans sneakers. I ran my thumb over the laces, positive I was having a hallucination from stress and exhaustion.
There was no way. I had seen these shoes before. They belonged to...
"Lucy?"
I cranked my neck up towards the voice, tears still spilling incessantly from my eyes.
"Harry?"
I couldn't believe it.
I wouldn't believe it.
I had run out of all the hope I had in me to fall for this cruel trick my mind was playing on me. This was a mental trap, another nightmare that would tear me apart if I believed it was real even for a second.
I watched in silence as Harry bent down next to me on the floor. His green eyes overwhelmed me the moment his face was in front of mine and he crossed his long legs, our knees bouncing off each other as he crouched down closer. He leaned into me, wiping a few stray tears off my face and pushing my wispy hair behind my ears. His hand lingered on my skin, running a reassuring thumb down the side of my cheek. I instinctively grabbed his hand in mine, nuzzling his palm lightly, wanting this to be real more than anything.
I opened my mouth to say something, but he shook his head, silencing me. I closed my lips, blinking up at his beautiful face, reminding myself to keep breathing.
He reached behind me, carefully pulling out his cardigan from under the couch where I had stashed it when John was here. He silently draped it over my shoulders, lifting my hair out of the way as I pulled on the sweater, which thankfully still smelled like him. I immediately felt warmer as I wrapped myself in it once more. I hadn't even realized how cold and frozen I had become. I glanced down at my hands that were a faint shade of purple.
Harry helped me to my feet slowly and it felt like a dream. He pressed me against his chest, holding me in his arms as I burst into tears again, unable to stop myself. My guards were shattered, my fortress collapsed, my castle crumbled. I was standing in the middle of a battle field without any weapon, armor or shield to protect myself. I was bloodied and battered from the war, defenseless, vulnerable and exposed on the front lines. I stood with my arms out wide, ready to have a sword plunged right through my heart, at last destroying me.
But instead, he held me tighter. He ran his fingers through my hair, whispering "You're okay" over and over in my ear until it felt like my own personal mantra resounding in my head. I was starting to believe in the more he said it, the longer I rested my head against his chest.
Please be real, I found myself begging as I pulled back for a moment to stare into his eyes, not wanting to look at anything else for the rest of my life. Please, please be real.
I buried my face into him, not caring that the front of his shirt was quickly becoming drenched with my tears. I cried until I couldn't anymore, too drained physically and emotionally to even muster another sob. I fell silent against him, listening to the steady beating of his heart that comforted me more than any words could.
He stiffened against me, pulling back slightly so he could look at my face. I knew my cheeks were red and my face was splotchy and my eyes were swollen, but I didn't care. I felt safe again.
"Want to get out of here?" He asked quietly, just barely above a whisper, smiling knowingly.
My mind took me back to the night we first met. I had asked him the same question. I felt a tiny flicker of hope ignite in my veins.
"I thought you'd never ask."