Golden

32

"Finn."
I wiped my eyes with the back of my sleeve, swiftly brushing away a few stray tears from my cheeks. I inhaled sharply, trying to keep myself together, but I knew I was quickly continuing my downward spiral into complete and total devastation and despair. Everything was happening so fast. I hardly had time to catch my breath from racing down the stairs, let alone wrap my head around the entire situation that was rapidly unfolding. I was falling down the dark rabbit hole, faster and faster unable to stop or slow down.
"Harry called me," Finn repeated once more, a little louder this time, as if he needed to reaffirm his presence so I wouldn't automatically slam the door in his face.
"He...he did?" More tears streamed down my face at the mention of Harry's name again. I was so confused, mentally trying to piece together what had happened, even though it felt like everything was quickly slipping through my fingers. Nothing made sense. This all felt so wrong. And there was nothing I could do about it.
Finn nodded, watching me helplessly from a distance. I could tell his wheels were spinning, wondering what he should do, what I would allow him to do, what I wanted him to do. I wasn't sure of anything anymore. Part of me wanted to throw my hands around him and hug him fiercely, crying loudly into his arms, thankful for a sense of familiarity with him. Another part of me wanted to break down in solitude, sobbing until I couldn't feel my face anymore and I was numb to everything, letting the darkness consume me all over again. I wasn't sure which part of me would win.
"He called me early this morning," Finn explained as my wide eyes scanned his face, hanging on his every word to make sure I was understanding.
"What did he say?" I begged, knowing I sounded as desperate as I felt.
"He...he didn't say much really," Finn answered evenly, shifting his weight from one foot to another, unable to stand still. "He was kind of...all over the place, talking really fast and whispering so quietly I could hardly hear him." Finn made a face, equally confused. "He didn't sound like himself, you know how he usually speaks so slowly and carefully, like he's really thinking about what he's saying before he gets his words out. But this morning, he was...he might have been crying actually. It was all so rushed and hectic, I couldn't even tell."
Harry didn't want to wake me. He didn't want me to overhear him and ask who he was talking to. He didn't want me to figure out his plan. He knew he had limited time and that my nightmares could wake me at any moment. He had to be quick. So he could leave without me knowing.
"He just said that you needed me and gave me the address here since I...well, you never told me where you were going and we...well, we haven't spoken since...you know." Finn studied my expression closely, realizing that I wasn't aware of anything he was telling me. He was just as shocked as I was.
"Harry had already rented me a car and told me that it was all taken care of and not to worry about it. Just get in and drive." Finn shuffled on his feet again, trying to remember as many details as he could. "He just kept saying over and over that I needed to leave right away and not tell anyone else where I was going and not to stop until I got to you. He said it was important and I needed to listen to him and trust him." Finn's gaze pierced through me, my heart sinking with each dull beat. "So...I did."
Finn shrugged his shoulders, looking nervous the longer he stood facing each other in the doorway. I scanned his face slowly and purposefully, noticing that he had dark circles under his eyes, like he hadn't been sleeping for weeks. He looked a little more pale and thinner than I remembered when I had last seen him. He looked joyless and scared, like a lost little boy who needed rescuing. I immediately felt guilty. I hated seeing Finn like this, even when I was still mad at him. I knew I caused this.
Why was I always hurting the people I loved most?
"I tried to ask him some questions," Finn went on, furrowing his eyebrows with more uncertainty. "I tried to figure out what happened or why you needed me after...everything."
I nodded numbly, feeling faint, but couldn't bring myself to speak. I felt the color draining from my face and I was so, so cold.
"But he didn't go into details. He didn't really answer or tell me anything at all." Finn swallowed hard, his jaw clenched. His eyes flashed with intense inner turmoil. "He just kept telling me to leave as soon as I could and that..." Finn's voice trailed off hesitantly, unsure if he should tell me what Harry had said.
"What?" My voice cracked. I sniffed, taking in a shuddering breath of air and bracing myself. "What did he say?"
"He told me to tell you that he was sorry." Finn stared at me, wondering what Harry could possibly be sorry for. But I suspected he had his own suspicions, as did I. "He kept saying that. He was sorry. He wanted to make sure I told you that. He kept saying it over and over. 'Tell her. Tell Lucy. I'm so, so sorry.'"
He should be, I thought grimly to myself. He should be sorry. How could he do this? Why would he do this? What had I done to deserve this?
"So I'm here." Finn crossed his arms over his chest as a cool gust of autumn wind breezed through the room through the opened front door. I was already frozen and I didn't even shiver, but I jumped the moment just as Finn reached out and grabbed my frigid, lifeless hand in his firmly.
I glanced up at him, my eyes welling with fresh tears as he stared back at me from the threshold. His hands were always so warm. I took that for granted sometimes.
"I came right here. I came here...for you, Lucy." Finn paused, taking a deep breath that he had been holding in since the moment I opened the door and we locked gazes with each other.
"I...I know you probably don't want to see me. Or talk to me. Or...really want to have anything to do with me, which I know I deserve. I really do. But..." Finn's eyes glazed over, looking at me with such sadness that it hurt my own heart even more, which I didn't know was possible. "But I'm always going to be here for you. Even when I mess up. Even when I'm an idiot. Even when you're mad at me. Even when I do stupid things, thinking I'm right even though I'm not." He cleared his throat, seeming overwhelmed. "Even if...if you hate me." He was choking on his words, clearly devastated and having been consumed by these toxic thoughts for weeks on end. "Harry told me that you needed me, so I didn't think twice. I couldn't abandon you or ignore what Harry was telling me, even though...well, you know." He sighed heavily, looking so tired. "I...I know I'm probably the last person Harry wanted to call for help and I'm also probably the last person you want to see..."
That wasn't true. If I had opened this door and John was standing in front of me, I wouldn't survive that. So I was secretly relieved it was Finn. Though we hadn't spoken and everything between us was hazy and complicated and desperately needed fixing, when I saw his face staring back at me, I felt a familiar sense of comfort buried deep beneath the raw pain I was still grappling with over Harry's sudden departure. Even though I was still mad at him for what he did to Harry, I couldn't hate Finn. My heart would never let me. Though I was shocked Harry had called him for anything, knowing they weren't each other's biggest fans to say the very least. But I needed more answers about Harry, answers that Finn didn't seem to have, but I had to keep trying.
"I don't know what happened between you two or why Harry called me, but...but I'm here." Finn took a small step forward, his bottom lip quivering the closer he got to me. "And I'm not going anywhere until I know that you're going to be fine."
I wasn't going to be fine. I wasn't fine at all.
"Lucy. Are you–"
"Finn."
I didn't let him ask me if I was fine, not wanting to lie to him and also not wanting to admit that I was once again completely shattered and heart broken. Instead I instantly wrapped my arms around his shoulders, collapsing into him and wailing wildly. He hugged me back tightly, letting me cry into his chest and running his hands through my hair soothingly, like he did when we were kids and I fell off my bike and skinned my knee on the sidewalk pavement. But this pain was different. And worse, so much worse.
"Finn," I weakly gasped out his name again. I couldn't catch my breath, exhausting myself the longer and harder I sobbed into his chest.
My legs buckled underneath me as Finn pulled me closer, lifting me up as I struggled to remain standing. I was quickly crumbling, coming entirely undone and hysterical.
Finn gathered me in his arms, hoisting me up against him as he slowly guided me over to the couch and gingerly sat me down. I cried and cried as he held me close, resting his chin on top of my head as my tears continued to soak through his shirt as I buried my face into him, offering a muffled and incoherent apology through my sobs.
"I'm sorry," I sniffed, pulling back and immediately noticing the front of him was completely wet. "I...I shouldn't be like this. I'm sorry I–"
"Don't apologize," Finn told me gently, rubbing my arm as I nestled into his side, curling into him. "You have nothing to be sorry for. It's...it's fine."
"No, Finn, no, it's not," I argued immediately, another wave of sadness hitting me so hard that I lost my breath. "Nothing is fine."
"I know," Finn admitted softly, squeezing me tighter, as if he knew he was the only thing holding me together. "I know, Luc, I know."
Finn held me for hours, brushing the hair out of my face that was damp with constantly flowing tears. I swallowed hard, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand, assuring myself that I was all cried out. But somehow, the tears kept coming. And Finn kept holding me.
I didn't remember dozing off, my body giving into exhaustion as I passed out cold with Finn's arms still wrapped around me. I woke up from an unsettling, dreamless sleep, taking a moment as my eyes readjusted to the afternoon light pouring into the living room, blinking up into Finn's face and realizing that I was still in this nightmare.
I peeled myself off of Finn's body, my limbs sore and stiff, my chest tight and empty, feeling hollow in my bones. I sat up, dazed, as Finn straightened up next to me, overwhelmed with uncertainty and where to even begin.
"Do...do you want coffee?" I asked him, my voice hoarse.
Finn nodded and accepted politely, probably just to give me something to do as a welcomed peace offering of sorts. "Yeah, okay."
I got up from the sofa and slowly dragged myself to the kitchen, each step harder to take than the last. With shaky hands, I put together two cups of coffee for us, preparing it exactly how I knew Finn liked it. I walked back into the living room, where Finn hadn't moved, staring out the window in a trance-like state as I handed him a mug. He graciously accepted as I sank down into the couch next to him, sipping my own cup silently.
I was becoming used to the pain at this point, knowing my defense mechanisms were fully engaged. I had a tendency to shut down when I felt out of control and could feel my mind disassociating from everything as a form of intense self preservation and protection. My guards were back up, my castle walls were once again fortified, my weapons were brandished as I adorned heavy armor on every inch of my body. I was prepared for a blood-soaked battle for my life.
"We should talk about it," Finn said finally, grabbing my attention as he placed his mug on the coffee table in front of us. "We really need to."
I turned to face him, the coffee cup in my hand rattling in my unsteady grasp. I gingerly placed it down on the table next to his, fearing I would shatter it if I held it any longer.
"Talk about..." I began slowly, but Finn cut me off.
"Me and Harry. You and Harry. Me and you," Finn clarified firmly, almost as if he had rehearsed this conversation in his head before, which he most likely had several times. "All of us. This whole..." Finn leaned back and sighed, running his hands through his hair. "This whole fucking mess that we're in."
I swallowed hard, feeling my pulse quicken. "Okay."
Finn situated himself next to me, inching closer to me as our knees bounced off each other. I shifted around nervously, wondering what exactly to do with my hands now. Finn and I were never like this with each other. This felt so strange. I hated every second of it.
Finn got right to the point, narrowing his gaze at me as he sharply asked, "Why did you try and hide what you felt about Harry from me?"
What a loaded question...
"I..." A thousand words were stuck on my tongue, almost ready to tumble out of my mouth and into the open to offer some kind of explanation to Finn. But I couldn't seem to get myself to say any of them.
"I don't know." I was pathetic.
"Did you think...do you think...do you think we wouldn't be the same if I knew how you really felt about him?" Finn asked cautiously, stammering out his next fear: "Or that I would...be mad? Or upset? Or...jealous?"
My head was spinning. "I..." my voice trailed off again. This was too much.
"You can tell me, Lucy." Finn reached out and grabbed my hand suddenly, a reassuring gesture that I desperately needed. "You can tell me anything."
"It's a lot," I admitted, feeling my lip quiver as I held back more tears.
"We've got time." Finn squeezed my hand in his fingers to calm me. "Plenty of time."
I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself and gather all the courage I could despite this gaping hole in my chest. I lifted my chin up, regaining some composure as I sorted through all of the thoughts that were fluttering through my head like a broken film reel on a movie screen. "I...I never felt how I felt with anyone like I felt with Harry," I began slowly, stifling a sob. "He was so...different for me. I felt it immediately, in every part of my body. It was like...we were supposed to meet, we were supposed to be with each other, we were supposed to..."
"Fall in love."
I glanced up at Finn, who was still holding my hand tightly in his. He smiled half heartedly, but it didn't reach his eyes. He was sad, I knew him well enough to see it.
"Maybe I'm just crazy," I backtracked immediately, feeling foolish for even talking about this and confessing any of this out loud. "I read too much into this clearly and–"
"Stop," Finn told me sternly and I immediately closed my mouth to listen. "You're allowed to feel like that, Lucy. You're allowed to feel however you want. You're allowed to feel like you found someone who you think you could spend the rest of your life with. You're allowed to be protective of that." Finn stiffened next to me, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye, lowering his voice. "I know Harry felt the same."
I perked up. "How?"
Finn shot me a bewildered look, almost unable to believe how I could ask such a question. "Oh come on..."
"What?" I tilted my head back at him.
"Everyone knew," Finn declared seriously. "The way he looked at you, the way he always knew you were in the room the second you entered, the way he would always find reasons to be around you, touch you, just be near you, the way he talked about you to everybody, people who knew you, people who didn't know you..." Finn paused. "And, well, he told me himself."
"He...he did?" My eyes got wide.
Finn nodded, locking gazes with me. "He...he told me."
"When?" I scrambled on the sofa, pulling Finn towards me, as if that would give me the information sooner. "When did he tell you that? What did he say?"
"When you weren't speaking after you broke up," Finn explained slowly, making sure he was getting all the details correct. "When...everything was really bad and scary. When you were going out all the time and avoiding us and..." Finn frowned, peering towards the floor, unable to look at me. "When you were in so much pain."
I flinched, not wanting to remember those awful months. I silently feared that I would be reliving them again now.
"Harry showed up at our apartment in the middle of the night one freezing night," Finn told me. "He was...he was really worried. He must've seen you out or something or he must have found out about how you were acting and handling the breakup and...I don't know..." Finn's voice trailed off. I knew he didn't want to remember this. We had all tried to block it out. "The look on his face as he stood in the middle of the hallway explaining why he was there...he was just...he was terrified."
My stomach dropped, but I stayed quiet. I was afraid if I opened my mouth, I would get sick.
"We invited him in because he looked so upset and like he had nowhere else to go. It was below zero out and he didn't even have on a coat," Finn went on and I silently wondered what night this was. Now that I knew Harry had been following me around New York, I was positive that he had seen me in countless comprising and unsafe situations. I had been unhinged and a dangerous to everyone around me, myself included. I wondered how much Harry had witnessed, how much he had worried, how much he had to forgive me for.
"He stayed in our apartment for hours trying to get answers out of us as to what was going on with you," Finn continued somberly. "He kept asking if we heard from you and how often and if we were watching you or knew what to do to help you. But none of us knew. You weren't talking to us much and didn't seem interested in any sort of help. We were all kind of...stuck."
I had to remind myself to keep breathing. The guilt was almost too much to bear.
"Harry asked if we should get your family or corporate involved and we were all against that immediately." Finn firmly shook his head. "We all knew that would've made you run like hell and we would never find you then. At least you were staying in New York and we knew where you were a little bit. We didn't want to risk you, I don't know, fleeing the city or the country or something. We didn't know how unpredictable you were. We didn't know...who you had become."
I nodded numbly, sinking deeper and deeper into a level of self hatred that I didn't know was possible. I wanted to forget this part of my story, that searing, wretched pain I felt every time I opened my eyes, that savage recklessness that I carelessly clung to, testing the limits of my own sanity.
I didn't think I would ever forgive myself for what I put everyone through.
"He gave me that necklace to give you: the rose one with the engraving on it."
I cranked my neck to look at Finn, snapping back to reality. "He what?"
Finn picked up the coffee mug off the table again, sipping it carefully to buy some time. He was still nervous, still unsure if telling me all of this was a good idea. He placed the cup back down with shaky hands and cleared his throat as I waited on the edge of my seat for him to continue.
"After we told him our hands were tied and that we just needed to ride it out with you and be there to pick up the pieces when you finally came back around, he just handed it to me." Finn outstretched his palm, as if mentally visualizing the necklace in his hand. "He told me to make sure you got it...whenever I thought you were ready." Finn shifted uncomfortably, cringing slightly. "I...I read what it said on the inside." Finn peered over at me, knowing it was personal. "All my love, baby. Forever. H."
My heart seized, remembering the delicate locket dangling off of my fingers as I examined it carefully in disbelief the first time I had seen it. I hadn't even worn it yet. I wasn't sure I ever would now.
"I tried to give it back to him and tell him that I didn't want to be involved," Finn replied, seeing how blindsided I was. "I didn't want to get in between whatever happened between you two, especially since you hadn't told me anything and...well, you clearly didn't want to see me."
I winced. It was true. I didn't want anyone to see me, but especially Finn. He worried enough about me when I was fine. How could I have him see me at my absolute worst?
"But Harry was persistent." Finn chuckled under his breath. "I mean...really persistent. It was, like, 2 in the morning when he knocked on our door and close to 5 when he finally left. And we all...well, we all thought it was going to be you when we first heard a knock on our door."
"You did?"
"We all hoped it was you anyway." Finn's face fell sadly. "Ethan nearly broke his leg running to the door. He wanted to make sure you didn't change your mind and run away before we answered." Finn cracked his knuckles, a nervous habit. "But it was Harry, which surprised all of us. I didn't even know he knew where we lived, never mind that he would show up on our doorstep in the middle of the night. But there he was: standing in the freezing cold in the hallway of our building."
I could picture it: Ethan tearing open the door with Finn and Jackson closely behind him, wondering if it was me stumbling to their apartment in a drunken blackout, finally coming back home to my family. I sensed their innate disappointment.
"Harry said I was the one person in the world who knew you better than you knew yourself and that he needed my help. That you needed my help too." Finn raised his shoulders. "So I agreed."
"Did he...did he say anything else?" I asked feebly, wishing I could hear their conversation word for word for myself.
Finn's mouth form a thin line as his gaze pierced a hole right through my chest. His eyes were dark, full of pain that he had still been holding onto all this time. I wanted to take it all away.
"He told me he loved you. He really, really loved you. And he would do anything to make sure you knew that."
I felt the air leave my lungs in a harsh exhale. I wasn't sure what I braced myself for, but I certainly wasn't prepared for that.
"He said that?" I was whispering in disbelief.
"Every word," Finn confirmed. "Ask the twins. We were sitting on our couch watching Harry Styles pace around our living room, frantically explaining how much our best friend – you – meant to him. It was really surreal actually. I woke up the next day thinking I had dreamed it for a minute."
I smirked. "It does seem strange..."
"But not really once I actually stopped and thought about it," Finn continued, almost to himself. "I mean...of course he would fall for you. You're the most beautiful, smart, funny, talented person I've ever known."
My face flushed, feeling undeserving of such high praise. "Finn..."
"Don't try to deny it." Finn grinned at me, his first genuine smile of the night. "I'm not saying this to butter you up or make you forgive me or anything. I'm just telling you this because I've had a lot of time to think about everything and I really mean it. You spend so much time wondering why people like you, why people love you, why people would want to be with you or spend time with you...but it's so obvious to everyone else."
My heart skipped a beat.
It was?
"You're such an incredible person, Lucy." Finn really studied my face that was turning redder by the minute. "I just wish you saw yourself how we all see you."
I bit my lip, willing myself not to cry, fearing I wouldn't be able to stop again if I started back up. "Thanks, Finn."
"Nothing to thank me for." Finn smiled again, relaxing finally. "I'm just telling you the truth. You deserve to know."
"At least someone tells me the truth," I muttered under my breath.
"That's not even the end of it," Finn interrupted, taking another long deep breath of air to return to his story. "After we listened to Harry spill his heart out for hours, I finally agreed to take the locket from him. I promised to let him know when I gave it to you when I thought you could handle it, when you were more...yourself."
"When we all went back to the studio," I recalled lightly. "It had been you?"
Finn nodded, almost embarrassed. "If I'm being honest, I wasn't sure that I was ever going to give it to you. I didn't...I didn't want you to see the gift from him and read those words and then disappear all over again and have you slide back into your old ways and ruin all the progress you had made." Finn grimaced at the thought. "But...I kept my promise to Harry. I knew how much it meant to him...and how much it would mean to you too if you knew he was still thinking of you and that he didn't just stop."
"He came back." I blinked vacantly. "Harry came back."
"I told him you were back on the right path for a little bit," Finn confirmed. "And he wanted to drop everything and come and see you that day. I had to stop him from coming to the studio and surprising you right then and there. I...I didn't think that would be a good idea."
I remembered I had thrown up when I received the locket and found out Harry had sent it for me. I had vowed to kill off the side of me that loved him. I wrote and recorded an entire song about the death and funeral of that part of myself.
But I had broken that promise. I couldn't seem to kill that part of me. Instead I buried it deeper inside for safer keeping.
What was I going to do with it now?
"But...but I told him you might need more time." Finn shrugged, turning a faint shade of pink. "Maybe that was selfish of me. Maybe I needed more time, more time with you for myself." Finn seemed pained. "But...I just...you went away so suddenly and without an explanation or reason and shut all of us out and I guess I didn't...I didn't want that to happen again if...if Harry came back." Finn looked up at me, his eyes welling with tears. "I didn't want to lose you again."
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders suddenly, pulling him into my chest and hugging him firmly against me. I rested my head on his shoulder as his hands squeezed me and I assured him in his ear quietly, "That would never happen."
"It almost did," Finn disagreed sadly, holding me tighter. "I almost...ruined it all."
I pulled back, my hands still on his shoulders and leaned in closer so he would look at me. "That wasn't entirely your fault..."
"You didn't make me punch him," Finn pointed out flatly.
"I shouldn't have told you what happened." I felt ashamed.
"I think not telling me things is kind of what started this whole mess," Finn countered squarely. "Why did you try to hide him from me?"
That damned question again...
"I didn't tell you because I didn't want anyone to get hurt," I blurted out abruptly. "I didn't want...I didn't  want to hurt you or get hurt myself. It all...it all felt like this wild fantasy and I couldn't quite believe any of it. I couldn't quite wrap my head around the fact that he would pick me, want me, love me."
Finn made a face. "Why?"
"Because look at me, Finn," I deadpanned.
Finn raised an eye brow and scanned me slowly, still not understanding. "I am."
"How could I ever compare to the hundreds, thousands, millions of people who would want him?" I felt so embarrassed. "And I was right."
"You weren't right," Finn disagreed. He opened his mouth to continue, but I cut him off.
I rolled my eyes. "And besides, you know how my last relationship went..."
Well, Finn didn't know everything. No one did except me and John...
"Harry is not John." Finn's voice was razor sharp and gravely serious.
"I know." I felt so faint. "I...I just know how I fuck everything up and..." I looked away, feeling a fresh wave of sadness hit me hard. "I kept thinking of ways that it wouldn't work. I kept replaying these scenarios in my head about how I didn't deserve him, how I...how I wasn't enough for him." I picked at my nail polish sheepishly. "How I'm never enough for anyone."
"Harry didn't cheat on you."
I snapped my neck to look at Finn, bewilderedly, thinking I misheard him. "What?"
"Harry didn't cheat on you," Finn repeated in a more assured tone than he had spoken all night. "That's all I can say. I just...I know he didn't."
"How?" I pressed.
"I...just...just trust me, okay?" Finn replied feebly, clearly hiding something from me. "I just...I know Harry didn't do anything that would intentionally hurt you. And he would never. But you've got to talk to him about that yourself."
My head was reeling, trying to read more into what Finn was actually telling me. "But..."
"It's...it's never my place to tell you what to do in your relationships," Finn interjected. "God knows I royally fucked that up when I let my anger get the best of me and my fist accidentally collided with Harry's jaw..."
"Accidentally?" I scoffed.
Finn's lips turned upwards into a small smile. "Maybe it wasn't entirely accidental. But it helps pretending since I've felt like a shit human since it all happened."
My heart sank. "I'm sorry–"
Finn shook his head, silencing me. "I'm sorry," he corrected me. "I shouldn't have done that. I just...I got so mad thinking that he hurt you. I kept thinking about how he made you that way, how he made you spiral out of control and lose yourself and how it was his fault that you felt like you weren't enough. I kept thinking about how we lost so much time together, time we could have had celebrating all we accomplished and writing new music and just being happy and..." Finn dropped his head sadly. "I thought he stole my best friend from me. And not in the way you're thinking."
I raised an eyebrow, letting him continue.
"I'm well aware that you're going to fall in love with someone," Finn told me seriously, his gaze not wavering from mine. "Or you have already."
My chest tightened with sorrow and loss.
Not anymore...
"I'm also well aware that it won't be me."
It felt like a punch to the stomach. I didn't know what to say. Finn and I never spoke of us in that way.
"And 16 year old Finn would be absolutely crushed by that realization." He smirked again in spite of himself. "But...the Finn in front of you right now is okay with it."
"Finn..."
"I mean it." Finn was adamant. "I mean, sure, I've held out hope that one day you'd kind of wake up and realize that you had been head over heels in love with me this whole time. Of course I've thought about that before. We've been best friends since I can remember. I can't imagine my life without you in it."
"I can't either." My voice was shaky with emotion.
"But..." Finn sighed. "I figured out a while ago that I'm not the guy you end up in the fairytale of your life." He laced his fingers through my trembling hands, a gentle sign that he was telling me the truth. "And I'm okay with that. Really. As long as I get to keep being in your story, I'm always going to be okay."
I placed my other hand on top of Finn's, running my thumb over his skin silently.
"We're always going to be okay."
I nodded, my heart a little lighter, believing him.
"I'm sorry I punched Harry," Finn said solemnly. "I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that talking to me about him would hurt me. I'm sorry if I was selfish with our time together. I'm sorry for being...well, an asshole. I just want my best friend back."
"You never lost her."
Finn opened his arms and I settled into them, sighing against his chest and breathing in the familiarity of his form. I did miss this. I missed him more than I ever thought was possible.
"I'm sorry I worried you so much," I said in a hushed voice into his ear softly. "I'm sorry I kept Harry from you."
Finn suddenly pulled back, making a worried face. "Speaking of that..."
I tilted my head, feeling panicked. "What?"
"Okay...so...you know Quinn, right?"
"You mean one of our best friends, Quinn?" I rolled my eyes again, thinking he was kidding. "Yeah, I think I've heard of her."
Finn's face turned bright red. "So..."
My jaw fell open. I blinked. "No."
"Okay, it happened kind of fast..."
"What?!"
Finn held his arms up, as if he had been caught red handed and he was trying to protect himself from me launching my entire body at him. "Okay, let me explain!"
"You two?" I nearly screamed. "What?! When? How?"
"Okay, so remember the Gala thing?" Finn asked quickly, his courage depleting with each word he got out. "The one where you first met Harry and we took Quinn out for the first time since her break up?"
I nodded numbly. "How could I forget that..."
"Okay, so remember how I took her home after that? I offered to split an Uber with her after she struck out at the bar?" Finn reminded me.
I gasped. "It's been going on for that long?"
"Well yes and no." Finn was deflecting. "I took her home that night and we opened a bottle of wine and were watching some garbage reality TV and...I don't know, one thing lead to another..." Finn's face flushed a deeper shade of crimson. "We hooked up that night because we were both kind of feeling sorry for ourselves. I mean, she had been dumped by Adam over text after two years together and the second I saw Harry's eyes look at you, I knew it was all over for whatever shot or chance I thought I might have ever had with you..."
Finn was taking so fast I wasn't sure he was even speaking English.
"And it was supposed to be a ha-ha, funny, one night thing that he never told anyone about but laughed about in secret," Finn explained hurriedly. "But then it happened again. And again. And again."
I was listening intently, but my brain couldn't catch up. This information wouldn't compute. Quinn and Finn? Together?
"And soon, we were just spending all this time with each other and talking through the day," Finn went on, still talking a mile a minute. "And I realized that I missed her when she wasn't around and that I was always laughing when she was next to me and that I wanted to do anything to make her smile." Finn was smiling even now telling me this. I felt my heart skip a beat watching him.
"She, uh, was actually in my bed when you called me from California when we got our first number one hit and I thought you knew then."
I vaguely recalled calling Finn from Harry's bed when Cruel Summer debuted on the top of the charts. I remembered hearing Quinn's voice next to Finn's, thinking it was odd, but not harping on it. But then I recalled the night Harry had unexpectedly showed up at Quinn and Tally's bar to try and talk to me for the first time since Paris. I remembered seeing Finn and Quinn getting awfully touchy early in the night and noting their unusual closeness. It had been right in front of me this entire time.
I gaped at him. "And you never told me?"
Finn grimaced. "I mean...to be fair, Lucy...you didn't tell me about Harry..."
I wanted to be mad, but I couldn't. He had a point.
"And now...I don't know." Finn raised his shoulders again, looking like he had just run a marathon. "I just...I just really like her."
"Do you love her?"
"Yes."
Finn didn't hesitate at all.
I found myself smiling. "I'm really happy for you, Finn. And for Quinn. For both of you."
I meant it.
"This doesn't mean that she'll...take your place or anything," Finn clarified quickly, looking somewhat worried. "I'm not telling you this because things are going to change between us. I just...I don't want anymore secrets, Lucy. Not with us. Not with one of the most important people I've ever had and will ever in my life."
I nodded, understanding and giving his hand a gentle tug.
"Luc, promise me: that nothing will ever come between us again?" Finn looked at me hopefully, the gentle glimmer back in his eyes for the first time that day.
"Promise." I looped his pinky finger through mine, a gesture we always did when we were little and our secrets were far less complicated.
"I love you, Finn." I smiled at him, feeling a flutter of warmth spread throughout my cold heart. I was relieved. "I really do."
Finn grinned back. I felt his happiness radiating off of him. "I love you too, Lucy."
At least someone did.
And maybe that was enough for tonight.