No Rain, No Flowers

Chapter 8 Losing Myself

February 28th

I was standing in front of the mirror in my room when my phone rang. It was my Mom. "Michelle..." She was crying. "Your daddy is gone..." "What?" I said not quite understanding what my Mom was saying between sobs. "Your Dad's gone, honey... I am so sorry..." I dropped the phone and fell to the floor crying. "NO!" I said loudly. "Please, God, NO!" I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening. My parents were staying at a hotel on the strip for their belated Valentine's Day celebration. My Dad had a heart attack while trying to get ready for their romantic dinner. My Mom was playing a round of bingo while he showered and got dressed. She went to the room to pick him up for their date and found him in the bathroom. When I got there, she was sitting in a chair outside the room with a detective. They took us into a room next to theirs so they could get my dad out of the hotel room. We were given pamphlets by a grief counselor that my Mom tossed in the trash when she left. I was in absolute shock but for some reason, all I wanted was to talk to Christian. He understood what my Dad meant to me. His father was his hero. Once I got my Mom settled in at home, I laid on the couch and called Christian's work. I asked for him and after waiting on hold for a few minutes, they came back on the line and said that he was busy and couldn't take the phone call. They knew who I was because I called frequently because of Lizzy. I knew he wasn't that busy. He'd told them to get rid of me. I knew it in my gut. "Will you please just let him know that my Dad died?" I asked the guy on the phone.

"Oh my God. I am so sorry..." he said. "I will let him know right now." I hung up and started crying. I kept crying in waves. I went from denial and almost forgetting he was gone to the deepest of despair. I couldn't imagine what my Mom was feeling. The next few days were filled with phone calls and tears. I was the one who told Hank. "Does Christian know?" he asked me, sounding very far away. "I tried. But he wouldn't take my call." I said honestly. "I am going to kick that kid's ass..." he said. "No, it's fine... Really, it has nothing to do with him. So, it makes sense. We aren't on the best of terms right now so..." I trailed off starting to cry. "All I wanted was to talk to him, Hank. Hear his voice. He knows how much my dad means to me..." "Sweetheart. I am going to tell you something I probably shouldn't. But right now, loyalty is nothing. You are too good for my son. He's done nothing but mess with you since you were old enough to mess with, and frankly, I am sick of it. He doesn't deserve you." I cried on the other end of the phone for a good 10 minutes and Hank just stayed with me and listened. He didn't console me, didn't say anything at all. But he was just there. When I had gone silent on my end, his voice was soft. "I love you, sweetheart." "I love you too..." I said and then disconnected.

My Mom and I made the trip cross country with Lizzy to take my Dad's ashes home. We met up with Hank and Cleo in Pittsburgh and drove down to Sutton, West Virginia where my Grandfather's ashes had been scattered. There was a clearing in the woods on their mountain called Bee Run Lake. It was where we had all our family reunions.

In the middle of the field stood a single tree that was taller than any other tree in the area. My Mom couldn't bring herself to scatter his ashes, so I walked over to the tree and spoke to my dad as I released him. "Dad... I know you can hear me. But I just wanted you to know that I love you and I am going to miss you so much. I already do. Mom is staying here when I leave. Lizzy and I are flying back. Even though she is still alive, I feel like I have lost both of my parents. I don't know if I can handle that... But I know it's what she needs to do. Please watch over her and take care of her..." I emptied the last of his ashes and realized I had made a full circle around the whole tree. Walking back to the group, my Grandmother asked us all to join hands and she said a prayer. I left my Mom in the hands of my family and flew back to Las Vegas. It was insane to me to think about the fact that in just one month, my entire life as I knew it was over.

Christian ended up surprising me by being an excellent daddy. I didn't think he had that in him. Over the course of a year, he did end up coming around. His icy exterior melted away and we became friends. I started to look forward to seeing him. Not in the way that I wanted to try and be with him again, but just because I enjoyed his company. He confided in me about things. He griped about Kelly a lot. I answered his call one day and it was Kelly telling me that Hank had passed away. I couldn't believe it. It was like losing my Dad all over again. I know you're wondering if I blew him off the same way he did when my Dad died. The answer is of course not. I would never do that to someone I love, no matter how badly they've treated me.

Over time, our friendship grew. Before I knew it, we were lovers again. I don't even remember how it happened or when it happened. But it just felt right. I wasn't proud of the fact that I was having an affair with a married man, but in so many aspects, I felt as though he belonged to me. To me, Kelly was the intruder. That is what happens when you are with a man who has the ability to completely manipulate you. All sense of reasoning and logic were gone. Before I knew it, we were living a double life. He hated Kelly. At least that's what he said. But day after day, night after night, he went home to her. When we were together, it was clear that we belonged together, but as I laid alone in my bed every night, I felt the exact opposite. My body was so full of tension and angst when Christian and I weren't together, I was always convinced that the next time I would see him, we'd be back to nothing. Back to strangers. But I couldn't let go. I had waited my whole life to be with him. I was taking what I could get. I was lonely most of the time. I clung to my daughter because she was a product of mine and Christian's love. When I looked at her, I saw him. I loved my daughter more than anyone in the world and the fact that she belonged to Christian and I, made me love her even more. 

I went through 2 lonely Christmas' and New Years with no one to kiss. I guess you could say that I went through my whole life like that but when you celebrated an anniversary with someone you start to build expectations that just weren't being fulfilled. My relationship with Christian was less than amazing. We did fight from time to time, but the only thing we ever fought about was the fact that we weren't together.

We were always on the same side, but there was still an argument. I stopped wanting to have sex with him and even kissing him started to feel like a chore. I had finally hit my rock bottom with him. One day, we met up and drove down the road from his house a mile or two. Lizzy was in the back seat playing and he kept trying to grope me. Not wanting to fight with him, I playfully smacked his hands away, using the baby being awake as an excuse. "She's getting too old to be awake for things like this..." I said, even though Lizzy had never been knowingly awake for any kind of physical interaction between Christian and I. "Having said that, I feel that in this stage of our relationship, we deserve better than having sex in a car on the side of the road..." I said as lovingly as I could. Christian slumped back into his seat and sighed.

"Yeah, I know we do... But it's the middle of the day and Kelly is home... So where are we supposed to do this?" I smiled weakly and shrugged. "I don't know..." I made no effort to reach out to him. His hands on me made my skin crawl. I did love him. More than anything. But I had reached my limit. I didn't want to do this anymore. He unloaded the baby and put her in the van. I watched him in my side view mirror, and I felt an overwhelming sadness looking at him. I loved him for as long as I can remember. I couldn't believe everything was fading away.