You Are My Sunshine

Chapter 5

"Jay?"

"Hey, um, you weren't in your desk, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You know today you seemed off" 

"I'm fine," he tells her and turns to leave, but again her voice stops him. 

"Look, I don't want to cross a line. I mean, we've only known each other for two weeks, but if you need anything, you can talk to me. Or generally talking to someone will make you feel better" 

"Spencer, I told you I'm fine, and I mean it. I don't know what you heard or what the others told you, but everything's under control. I appreciate you looking out for me. I do, really. But I'm fine, and I don't need a babysitter" he replies, and before she can answer him, he's already in his car. She sees him leaving the parking lot of the district and curses at herself for opening her mouth. Defeated, she turns to leave too. Tomorrow's going to be a better day, she thinks.

She arrives earlier in the morning than she expected, and before she knows it, she's back in her office, but her partner is nowhere to be found. She may not be at work for long, but she knows that Jay Halstead is never late. And after their discussion yesterday, she couldn't help but worry. 

"Shots fired at Randolph Park, Halstead's already there. Ruzek, Atwater, and Spencer with me," Voight informs them, and everyone moves in a hurry. 

Emma's mind turns from the questions that gather. Why is Jay already there? When did he get there? Why didn't he come first from the station? Was he all right?

"Spencer, see if there are any witnesses. Atwater and Ruzek check the perimeter," Voight says as soon as they arrive at the scene, and he heads to the door of the building, where Jay comes out. She glances at him, and after making sure he's okay, she goes to do the job assigned to her by her boss. 

"Yes, I was right around the corner" 

"Alright, start pulling footage from the park and inside the building. Let's find out where they were coming from". She hears the two men say as she approaches them. 

"Sarge, we've got a witness who saw our female victim running inside with a kid. She heard gunshots, looked up, and saw the offender running from an exit with a boy over the shoulder.

"Any sign of the boy?" Voight asks, receiving only a nod in response. 

"This is a kidnapping?" he continues to wonder, but once again, he doesn't get an answer from the young woman. Emma's quiet reaction and the fact that the smile is missing from her face for the first time since they met her does not go unnoticed by the members of her team who are there. 

She remains silent all the way to the district playing with the edge of her blouse. Jay's just as quiet as her cause he doesn't know what to say. After last night, he doesn't know where they are. He knows she just wanted to help him, but he doesn't know if he's still ready to trust her.

"Are you okay?" he asks her when they leave Ben Bardon's house. 

From the day she came into the unit, they had never taken on a case that had children as victims, and he didn't know how she works under such circumstances. And if he thought of himself, those cases hurt the most. He couldn't understand her. She was calm and smiling. How can she be optimistic after what they just saw, Jay thought. 

"I'm fine Halstead. Don't worry. How are you?" 

"Well, I guess" And with that, they're already in the car, hoping the others will have found more evidence.

"Or you put me under" this sentence is repeated in her mind, and she can't make it stop. Why did everyone agree with him, why didn't they listen to Antonio, who said this move was a bad idea, why did she say it was neutral? So many questions fill her up, and she has no answers. She doesn't even know why she's so worried. Either way, she has a bad feeling about the whole thing, and yet there's nothing she can do about it. She places the wire on his shirt until his voice brings her back to reality. 

"Why neutral?" 

"I've just been a little concerned lately," she tells him honestly. 

"About what?" 

"About you. You cover well, but I've got eyes, Jay, even though I don't know you for a long time. Are you sure you're okay?" but before he can answer her, Kevin interrupts them as he appears at the door behind her giving them new information about the people Jay will be talking to. 

It's going to be okay, she's reassuring herself, and everyone's heads for the cars, ready to get to work.

She had heard his whole speech about fighting, smoking, and screwing. She didn't want to believe it, but she knew in the back of her mind that it was true even if he was undercover. She expected to hear something similar, but still, that didn't mean she wasn't worried. 

"I don't think anybody ever does. I think you just, kinda fill up whatever is missing with something else" she remembers his words to the young bartender and understands even better the pain he must have felt when Erin left. But none of this prevents her from being mad at him because of the fight at the bar. He hit someone who just wanted to help, and that made her furious. Although she was in these situations for years, she could never stand the beating. It brought back bad memories. As time went by with Jay being under, she learned something new about him. He had served in Korangal Valley, and he admitted he had seen a lot. She heard him talk about an 8-year-old girl that he accidentally killed, and her thought went straight to what Kim had told her that night. She couldn't tell if he was talking about that day, or if he had experienced something similar overseas, or worse if it was now a mess in his head.

"If you guys pull Marcus out, I get Luis to get Josh to use me. You get him out, I'm in." he tries to convince Voight. 

"No," her voice sounds sharper than she'd like. She trusts him, she knows he can make it, but the situation gets out of hand. 

"No, what the hell does that mean?" 

"It means that it's too risky. You're not seeing straight. You trust this guy, and you shouldn't. You went offline at the club, you punched a civilian..." 

"I didn't have a choice" 

"Yes, you did" 

"Alright, alright, enough." their boss's hoarse voice interrupts their fight, and after agreeing with Halstead, everyone gets in their car. But only Voight finally leaves. The other two are too emotional to drive. Emma rests her head on the steering wheel, trying to calm her thoughts that have gone mad. Why doesn't he listen to her, why does he behave so recklessly, and most importantly, why does this bother her so much? At the same time, Jay rests his head on the seat and closes his eyes, trying to calm down his breathing. He's angry. Angry at Emma, who's so worried about him, she's trying to tear down the walls he has successfully erected around him, but he's angrier because he realizes she's slowly succeeding. But he doesn't know if that really bothers him.

A few hours later, after the raid on the warehouse where little Cody was, Emma stands still with Jay pointing a gun at her while shouting his name. It doesn't take long for him to come back, and his gaze changes immediately. Pain is erased in all the features of his face just like the guiltiness. He's fighting right next to her to realize that the young veteran who was just talking to him is now dead. She wants to go to him tell him everything's going to be okay, but she doesn't move. She knows that if she says something like that it's going to be a lie, so she lets him feel what he wants in his own way. Not even when they got back to the station did she force him to talk to her, and neither did when they left. But she called him later in the evening, and he didn't pick up. 

Before returning home, she decided to make a quick stop at her favorite store since she got back. The doorbell announces her entrance to the bookstore, and after smiling at the lady behind the counter, she heads to the shelves that interest her. After a while of searching, she finds what she was looking for. "Everything you need to know about post-traumatic stress disorder"