Tyler Petrit Isn't Here | ✓

04

I've had a grand total of two romantic endeavors before Alaska, both when I was fifteen. The first was at a goddamn party.

Fifteen is that awkward age where you have the naivety of being thirteen and the angst of being seventeen. You think you're old enough to do certain things, but also fear getting in trouble.

None of that matters to me now, since I do whatever I want while having basically no life at the same time. Which is why I get so shocked when someone invites me to a party.

I went by myself.

It was in this girl's basement. There were pretzels and chips on the table to make it seem innocent. Hidden behind the table cloth were beer cans.

I thought bragging about how I'd already had my first beer a year prior would look cool and get me a date. Instead, I got made fun of for being soft. A girl I liked told me if I wanted to impress her, I'd have to drink with her and her friends.

Looking back, it's funny how I wanted to prove myself to all these people, given I don't even remember their names. More than anything, I'm surprised I didn't get bullied, since I was usually quiet and slouched over.

When I drank with her, she said she was just trying to act tough and didn't think I'd actually do it. I still counted it as a win because a girl was actually talking to me. Until then, most hadn't given me a second thought.

I'm in the same situation, at some party, except nobody had to convince me to get shitfaced. It doesn't matter how shitty the beer is, as long as it gives me a buzz.

Alcohol is what turns the music up, what helps me appreciate how vibrant everything is, what helps me rock out with everyone else.

It's what helps me function like a normal human being.

The best part is I don't have to force it back up. It does that on its own.

Valentine's Day is in less than a week, so it's not like I look like a complete loser being by myself.

Despite it being the end of winter, it feels like a fucking sauna in the room.

I go and sit on the back patio, shutting down anyone who tries to talk to me. I came here for an excuse to get drunk, nothing more.

Besides, I'm not going to cheat on Alaska.

I used to think I could be more open at school because I was away from Dad and Candace. The false sense of security was shattered when I actually had the courage to talk to a girl.

It was going pretty well, until Candace honked her horn at us. She doubled down by scaring the girl away with her crazy eyes. I had no choice but to just get in the car.

"You know you'll never get a girlfriend," Candace said as I stared out the window. "No girl would ever want to be seen with you."

After she completely destroyed any confidence I had, she drove me to a protest. I had to listen to her shout No is No and Stop Rape on College Campuses without throwing up. She kept her hand on my thigh the entire ride home, no matter how many times I pushed it off.