porzellan

day zero.

[dec 1]

i starred down at the piece of paper on my lap. all my grades were written on it. if i compared them to last year's grades, they're everything but good. but that didn't matter anymore. nothing mattered anymore.

looking around, i realized there were only two people, me included, left in this room. everyone else fled into vacation.
the other person approached me.

"how have you been doing lately?" she wanted to know.

i never was the kind of person to open up, but she and i shared a special relationship i don't think she shares with any of her other students. she's been there for me, not only as a teacher but also as a trusted friend, if i may describe it that way.

"i've actually... been doing a lot better. i'm so grateful to have you and all my supportive friends" i smiled at her.

"i'm glad. i hope it won't get any worse again. you know you can always hit me up if there's anything i can do for you. just don't throw yourself onto the next train, mikasa" she chuckled.

"i won't, miss zoe"

---

the air was freezing. it's cold. why does it always have to be this cold? when can i feel warm again? i don't even remember the last time i felt warm.

a glance at my watch told me it was  12:13 am. this late already. how long have i been standing here? i remember the train station being rather crowded when i arrived here in the afternoon. how did time pass this fast? what have i been doing all this time? barely anyone was around. the next train arrived and collected the remaining people, leaving me all alone at this dark, dry place.

i'm sorry. i lied. i have not been doing any better. at all. on the contrary. it's only getting worse, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

i made this decision a long time ago. like a fool, i always clinged to the possibility that perhaps it might get better. but it won't, ever. some people are just destined to suffer. some others are lucky the moment they're born. after all, the universe's gotta be balanced, right?

i felt a rush of cold air brushing my skin, realizing the last train was about to arrive. a few steps closer to the edge and i remembered the words of miss zoe crossing my mind.

"just don't throw yourself onto the next train, mikasa"

the train flew by the station.

---

[dec 7]

now thinking back, i don't really remember what kept me from doing it. it had to be something extremely decisive, since i was so determined.

that was barely a week ago. right now i'm sitting in this uncomfy armchair, starring at my feet and listening to the female voice filling this room. it is difficult to be attentive since my mind is wandering around other places.

the word "clinic" grabbed my attention.

"what?" i asked.

"i said: that's why i came to the conclusion it would be best for you to stay at a clinic."

she knows exactly what i think of this idea. she is my therapist after all, of course she would know.

"for a couple of days" she added.

that didn't make it any better, though.

"no." i said without hesitation.

"if that's the case, your school has to be informed and we'll have you-"

"come again? everything i say here is confidential. aren't you the one to always babble about that pledge of secrecy?"

outraged.

"well, since you're still only 17, that pledge can be broken in case of an emergency. taking into account that you just told me how you were planning to throw yourself in front of a train, i'd consider this an emergency"

is she being serious? this is giving me much more troubles than i already have. seeking help was a terrible decision, i knew it. i never should have done this. i just.. there was never any need of change to begin with.

i guess, i have two options: option number one, i let the school know of my mental state and this 'critical conditions' i'm dealing with, or option number two, i'll stay a few days in a mental hospital.

"what will happen after i told the school?"

my therapist adjusted her glasses.

"we will together find a solution, but whatever that solution may be, it will most probably include something like mental hospital"

"so the only difference between the two given options is that in case one, everyone at school will know and in case two no one will know?"

"precisely."

well, considering the fact that i'm on vacation now, no one will notice anyway. i also won't have any missing classes. not that i care though.
it's only a few days, i can manage.

"alright. fine."