porzellan

day two.

one year earlier

[oct 27]

"will you bring this stuff to the supply room? braun, help her"

reiner and i walked to the supply room together, carrying brushes and paint.

he and i never really talked a lot with each other. it's not like i didn't like him, it's just that we didn't interact a lot, probably due to our different friend groups. however when we did, our conversations went smoothly most of the time.

"is it true that you're into girls?"

it was the first time i was asked a question like that. i didn't know how to react or where on earth that came from.

"i beg your pardon?"

it's not like i am not accepting or anything, i simply never really thought about it. i didn't question myself either because it never came to that point.

"oh- i'm sorry, i didn't want to confront you with that kind of question out of nowhere. it's just that i've never really seen you with a guy other than armin. and you never really showed any interest in men either."

does that mean i'm into women?

"i'm not really interested in a relationship, is all. i never really was into boys and everything"

i hope he didn't get this the wrong way.

"so you're like annie"

like who? it took me a few seconds to remember who that was.

"the girl you hang around with all the time?"i asked, needing confirmation for my assumption.

"yes, her. she's also in the same grade as you and i, in case you didn't notice." he laughed.

"what makes you think we're the same?"

"she's also into girls"

he totally got it the wrong way.

that conversation i had with reiner on that day totally deleted itself from my mind. the moment we had left the supply room and arrived back in the art room, i didn't think about it anymore at all.

only a week later i recalled the brief talk. it was in art class, again. we were painting self portraits of famous artists. i chose frida kahlo's self portrait with cropped hair.

reiner and annie came late into class. the moment i saw that girl annie, i didn't even remember ever talking to, i recalled.

so you're like annie.

was she open about it? did everyone know that?

"armin, did you know? that girl is into girls" i pointed at the small figure that was apologizing to the teacher for being late.

"you mean leonhardt?"

i nodded.

"i didn't. what about it though? you make it sound like it's a bad thing."

it's not a bad thing. i didn't feel any disgust towards her. i wondered if she'd always been like that. and if yes, when did she find out about it? or is it something you don't discover?

i had so many questions and now that i think about it, i don't really know why i was so interested in that. but i couldn't just go up to her and ask her, could i? that would just seem awkward and creepy, taking into account we probably never really spoke before.

i was yet to find out that it wasn't the answers to those questions i was interested in, but her.

i decided to suppress my curiosity, turning back to the canvas.

but i didn't stop thinking about it. whatever the reason was, i just couldn't free myself from thinking about it; from thinking about her. and i know that back then i had no clue what the reason for that was.

i realized that i payed more attention to whether or not she was in class. that said, i even wondered which classes i shared with her in the first place. some time prior i didn't even pay attention to her existence.

one day when i was walking home i looked around the streets. silently i wondered to myself which route she takes home. i have never seen her around after school, so maybe she lived somewhere completely different?

back then i didn't really think about it. i just took out my phone and texted her.

-- m: hey annie, i've been wondering. which way is your home?

now that i think about it, that was an extremely creepy question to ask someone out of nowhere. i didn't realize it at that point, i didn't even realize it the next days or weeks. she and i never talked before.

-- a: uhm, i take my turn right at the gate. why do you ask?

the fact that i really didn't see any problems with it back then and just assumed that it was a totally normal thing to do just makes it all the more hilarious.

-- m: oh? i just never see you walking home, is all.

to my defense, it's not like i focused on her out of everyone. normally you'd see everyone walking home after school, you'd see them taking turns here and there or waiting at the bus stop or something. naturally i'd get curious for not seeing her around.

but i don't regret texting her on that day. after all, that's how the story begins.

at first we laughed at the same jokes during class, we exchanged a few words while waiting for the teacher, we spend free periods with the same group of people. every now and then our eyes would meet.

but i didn't really think much of it. i considered her a new friend. i wanted to spend more time with her and see her much more and my answer as to why i felt that way was just due to pure curiosity.

i texted her every now and then and sometimes we had long conversations. in fact, we weren't seen together often in school. when we were in groups of many people we only exchanged a few words, that's it.

but i did get to know her better. much better.

it was in art class when i came to the realization. i watched her looking for a thin brush in the supply box. those were always rare because everyone wanted the thin ones in order to paint more detailed.

i'm sure i didn't perceive her eyes in that moment the same way i did before. i had a feeling inside of me i couldn't describe and the sudden urge to embrace her and inhale her scent was overwhelming. i might have discovered why i felt that way.

"i think i might have a crush"

so overwhelmed with emotions in that moment and shocked by my own realization, i didn't even realize i said it out loud.