porzellan

day three.

i don't know what time it is. has another day passed already? i think it's my third day at this place.

i don't have a clock in this room. i don't even have a mirror to reflect my pathetic self in.

i remember earlier today the other patients at the table were making fun of sasha. they talked about how stupid she was and that she talks too much. i miss her talking, it was way better than this empty silence.

---

"you have a crush? on who?"

i looked to my left and realized it was armin sitting next to me. that was also the moment i realized what i'd just said.

"ah-"

i can't tell him. what was i thinking? why did i say that out loud..?

"..guess."

this way he won't find out. hah. now i don't have to feel bad anymore because i gave him the opportunity but in no way he would-

"i'm not sure. either reiner or annie. but i tend towards annie"

my mouth fell slightly open. i couldn't bring out a word. how did he know? i couldn't have been that obvious... she and i.. barely even..

"how did you-"

armin just smiled. he has known me since childhood. is that the reason he could read me so well?

the art room's water constructions weren't the best and the water didn't flow right through sometimes. but on that day it was the first time the water started overflowing because three sinks were running at the same time. when i turned around i saw all the water splashing on the floor and everyone's eyes shot to the boys standing around the sink, shocked.

they started laughing and miss zoe just shook her head. i volunteered helping them and armin stood right next to me when suddenly reiner and annie approached the sink. they stopped right next to armin.

"hey annie" armin greeted her. "why don't you help mikasa out a little bit?"

is he an idiot? why the heck would he do that?

reiner smirked and elbowed his smaller friend. wait?

after class armin and i walked home together.

"maybe she likes you back"

i starred at him.

"are you an idiot? it's about something else. but what..."

on that day i never found out what that was about. but between their conversations my name must have fallen at least once. about what though?

when i look back to the times armin and i newly transferred to that school, i remember the students were all divided into their own little groups. it was "the cool ones", "the freaks", "the nerds" and the list goes on.

annie and reiner belonged to the group of "freaks". at least that's what the majority identified them as. there were a few others but most of the time it was reiner, annie and berthold. the three of them. berthold and annie were especially close. one day though out of nowhere they stopped talking. they didn't even look at each other anymore. reiner and berthold were still friends but berthold and annie were like strangers.

i always wondered what happened between them. they couldn't just change seats in class so obviously they still sat next to each other but there was a thick wall between them that didn't even allow them to breathe the same air.

the answer to that riddle is also one i found out too late. ever since then reiner and annie were seen alone together all the time. it was the same with armin and me.

it was only a crush back then. a crush that tasted like cotton candy. that was it. but my feelings for her grew bigger and bigger. having these kind of feelings towards a single person was completely new to me and all i could think of was her.

maybe if i was aware of what would have happened if i let myself fall, maybe then i would have tried avoiding it to come to all of this. but i'm sure i could not have been able to avoid anything. everything would have happened just the exact way it did.

so on one day in education class, another class i shared with annie, the teacher was checking everyone's presence. and i realized annie wasn't there.

"leonhardt?" the teacher asked, glancing through the room.

"uhh, she went home in the exam" a student answered, not seeming to be her friend.

"in the middle of it..?" the teacher raised an eyebrow.

"..yes, sir"

he continued checking presence and class started soon. after class i decided to text her and ask what's up.

m - hey annie, i heard you didn't feel well during the exam. you feelin better?

i just assumed she didn't feel well. what else would be a reason for her to leave in the middle of an exam?

a - hey, yeah i felt sick even before the exam. went home and still feel like crap :') but thanks for asking, very nice of you

her way of texting was so cute.

m - oh, get well soon. how was the exam though?

a - i didn't stay long in the exam. if i was feeling well it would have been at least a b. wby

we continued talking more about the exam and she said that she didn't really care anymore. apparently that wasn't the first time that happened and she said that her nausea comes from stress and pressure. i didn't ask any further though because i felt like we weren't that close back then that it would be okay for me to ask that.