porzellan

day one.

[dec 9]

i would never have thought there would come a day i would actually stay at a mental hospital.

an employee is showing me around, walking me from room to room and every now and then new faces pop up. since my case was considered an 'emergency', they couldn't find a place that's proper for me that fast. what i'm trying to say is that most patients here are drug addicts. there're also a few with mental problems, including me. i'm probably one of the oldest ones, the youngest is 12 as far as i know.

i was brought to my room where all of my stuff was checked. all sharp objects were confiscated. my headphones and chargers were also taken away, cuz oh no! i might hang myself using the cord. given that, i also couldn't keep my phone.

finally, after 1 hour, the employee left and i could make myself comfortable in my room. or at least try to while i can, cause i was told another girl will be my roommate. she still was to arrive though.

my back sinking into the mattress and i slowly fell asleep.

---

everyone looked at me while i stood at the doorframe. they were gathered at the table, food that waited to be consumed, in the middle of it. some of their eyes were swollen red, some had greasy hair.

"i'm mikasa" i said, entering the room and sitting down on a free spot.
they silently introduced themselves one by one, 11 people at the table. filling their plates with food, the room filled itself with voices again, everyone having their own little conversations. i silently picked at my food when all of a sudden someone started talking to me.

"mikasa, was it?"

i looked at the male brunette, long face. seemed to be around my age.

"what brings you here?" he wanted to know.

he also introduced himself earlier but to be honest, i wasn't really paying any attention.

"attempted suicide" i replied, looking back at my plate.

"huh? having a beauty like you die would be such a waste" he chuckled, his bald friend elbowing him amusingly.

i guess after not getting any reaction from me, he wanted to fill the awkwardness with anything.

"well, i'm here cuz of drug addiction." he said almost proudly, fist on his chest.

that's what you look like.

but i didn't say it out loud, though.

"this gotta get this clinic shit over with but as soon as i'm out i'm gonna get back into business"

after lunch i walked back to my room. a brown haired girl already unpacking her stuff. she starred at me.

"woah! you're so pretty for a crackhead!"

a moron, noted.

"i don't take drugs", walking over to my bed.

"huh? what's your reason then?"

why is everybody asking me that? is that considered something like 'what's your name?' at this place?

"nevermind that for now, i'm sasha."

"mikasa" i replied shortly.

"i've been here quite a couple of times. i think this is my 6th time... no seventh? anyway, i never really liked it here, i ran away a few times but they always caught me. and my parents, they want me to study medicine or some shit, they're those cliché not-thinking-depression-is-real kinda parents, y'know? and in school everyone just-"

she kept on talking and talking, not giving me the opportunity to even reply to her, even if i wanted to.

"oop- i'm so sorry" she suddenly stopped.

"what happened?" i wanted to know.

"i'm really trying to fix this problem. i don't even know how it developed, but i just hate that about myself."

what is she talking about? crap, i think she's referring to what she said before and i didn't listen.

"you're not really interested in all of this are you? i'm really sorry for babbling so much, you probably didn't even listen. oh, that's fine though!"

maybe she isn't that much of an idiot after all?

"y'know it's just... i really don't like being here." she said, her energetic spirit gone.

"well, why are you here then? if you're neither here because of drug use nor an emergency case, you're not forced to stay, right?"

she was hesitant to speak again.

"well, you see.. my parents.."

she told me about how her parents are a big problem since they believe she made all of this up to buy herself some time. they want her to get out of here as soon as possible, so they can marry her off to some rich guy since her family is very poor.

"you will have to get out, eventually"

she said that in a few days her aunt wants to pick her up and the two of them will run away to berlin or some fancy place.

---

i'm laying on this bed. it feels like cardboard on my back.
everything is strange. everyone is strange. those unfamiliar faces, the unfamiliar atmosphere, the unfamiliar smell.

i do not like it here.

i don't know what's happening, how to behave, or what's still to come. and i'm certainly not eager to find out.

fear.
uncertainty.
doubt.

sasha started talking again. and i'm glad she has. the voices in my head scream so loudly, i can't listen to them anymore.

that girl is very outspoken, very candid. she goes on and on and even though she talks a lot in very odd ways, i feel like she is still the most normal one in this group.

what is normal anyway.

"tonight??"

sasha caught my attention. apparently it was not me she was talking to.

"why all of a sudden? why haven't you told me this before?!"

sasha lowered the telephone which she had lend from an employee from her ear.

"she hung up.."

"who was that?" i wanted to know.

"my aunt. they're coming.."

"what do you mean? who's coming?"

sasha stared at her feet.

"my parents... they're coming to pick me up."

i didn't know how to react. i didn't really know what to say but i'd be lying if i said it didn't frustrate me.

"when?"

"tonight"

she looked me into the eyes.

"they're picking me up tonight."

---

she left her book here. it's her favorite book she said, i read it out for her while she was about to be picked up.

will she ever be coming back? will i ever be able to see her again? what will happen to her now?

she probably doesn't know either. but i am here to be thinking about myself rather than others, especially people i've just met today. even though it feels like i've known her for much longer.

the silence in this room screams so loudly. and the silence in this room makes me remember everything i've been trying to avoid thinking about. the reason i'm here in the first place. or rather, what caused the reasons for me to be here. it brings me back to where it all started.