I've found it. I've actually found it. I've found my dream home.
Alright, so it's not actually within my budget, but I still found it. Can you deny me this little pleasure? You know the one I mean. Pretending to be a married couple and going expensive house viewing. That pleasure. Is it that bad, really?
I mean, okay. Technically, we're lying. We're not married. We're not rich. And even though we were totally interested in every single house we went into, we had absolutely no intention of buying any of them. In a religious way of looking at it, we would be going straight to hell for all the bad things we did.
But Diary, it was so much fun! We dressed up in our best clothes, bought cheap rings to pretend that we were married and walked around all these high end apartments. You'd be surprised at how some people live! En suite rooms and all those fancy stuff! I'm not used to any of that. I'm pretty much as common as you can get, so anything more than one bathroom in one building is swanky for me.
The women were snobs as well. You could tell from the way they pronounced the word 'grass'. Graaaaaass. So upper claaaaaaaass. Silly women. It's grass. No need to over stretch the 'a' and make it into an ah, is there? No. You're just a posh totty that wants to sell these houses to people that you believe are worthy of living here.
They can't have been that good, could they? I mean, look at Dan and me. We're far from posh. I'm a scruff that runs a soap shop in a cubby hole in London. He's a stereotypical Irish man with a massive love for Guinness and cigarettes. We had to seriously rummage through our wardrobes in order to find something half decent to try and fool these people into letting us step foot in the building. And listening to Dan trying to sound like he's posh is quite easily the funniest thing that I think I've ever heard. If you ever get the chance, Diary, challenge a strongly accented Irish man to put on a posh British accent. You'll wet yourself laughing.
And it's not like we did a perfect job today anyway. Dan had odd socks on for a start. A massive sin in itself. I very nearly didn't let him leave the house because of it. Socks are precious. They have life partners and should never be separated. But he insisted that he didn't have time to find a matching pair otherwise we'd be late. I almost resent him for knowing that would sway me into letting him enter the world in an unacceptable manner. But I can't resent him for that long, can I?
But then again, I wasn't much better. I threw my hair up into some half-arsed bun that fell out in the middle of one appointment. Can you imagine how embarrassing that is? You're putting on that false laugh that posh people have and nodding away to the most boring information about pate that you've ever heard, and twang. There goes my bobble. Flying halfway across the room with a clatter as the metal part hits the tiled floor. And the speed that my face went from normal pale to crimson was the blink of an eye.
She was not amused. I turned from a potential buyer to some child that needed to be told off and sent to the naughty corner. But come on! I'm sure that kind of thing happens to the best of people. You see models fall down on the catwalk all the time. Surely posh people have mishaps happen to them too. I'm sure that woman has done something stupid in her time. If she hasn't, then maybe she's an alien...
That must be it. All posh people are aliens. Oh my God, I've cracked it. They came from the planet Poshinton and this woman must be their leader. The most picture perfect thing that ever graced our planet is actually a green blob creature on the inside. And they've come to try and educate us unworthy about how to live their way...
Ha! Of course I don't think that's true. As much as I want it to be, this woman was not an alien. They don't exist, sadly for us. Or if they do, they wouldn't be interested in this planet. Not that I don't like Earth. I love it, and don't really want to be living on any other planet in this unthinkable universe. I just don't think we're the most interesting planet out there. Sure, we have life and can't survive anywhere else. But what about them? They might be able to find substance on a planet that we could never begin to imagine living on. Mars, for example. We can't live there. But they could. And what if they make it a place that we could live on?
